Is it me or do Dads get all the reward whilst doing none of the work?

[shaz1982]

My DH and I have just separated. We have one son, alomost 2 who lives with me. His dad has him every other weekend quite happily. I'm the one doing all the work, night wakings, potty training, tranturms, discipline, dealing with DS's separation anxiety every morning at nursery drop-off and all the other wonderful day to day things. Its exhausting and never stops. If I want an evening out or to do a course at work I have to arrange the childcare. Ex-DH on the other hand has everynight of uninterrupted sleep, doesn't have to think twice if there is something he wants to do outside of work and rocks up once a fortnight to a heroes welcome from DS. I have packed everything he could possibly need and brief ExDH on all the things going on in DS's life/routine. They go off and have fun and Ex-DH drops off a tired kid and a bag of dirty washing.

To make matters worse, all the childcare books say that around the age of 6 boys tend to become fascinated with men and many kids in separated families will ask to live with their dads. So after all the hard work in the early years, DS will trot off to his Dads just at the point when he becomes interesting and easier to lookafter.
It just seems so unfair.
It hardly suprises me that statisitcs show that divorced men get married so much more often than divorced women...where on earth would I find the time to even meet someone new?
Am I the only person who thinks like this?

YANBU however; join an online dating agency. You will meet people even if it's just for friends. Plenty of fish.

OK- you are doing all the work but I bet he's gutted he can't see his son very often and also when your son grows up he will realise what you did for him. I bet if your ex dh was living with you both he'd do bugger all anyway or am I wrong?

Ha ha, no I still did all the work when we were living together but he'd not be able to say he couldn't do day-today duties if I had to go on a work course.
He is actually relieved he dosn;t have to deal with the everyday grind. He hated discipline and broken sleep (although he never got up anyway). He would always be embarressed if DS started crying in public.
What does yanbu mean? sorry new to this!

Completely right.

My DP has his DD for 6 weeks at Christmas and 3 weeks in the summer each year. He's self employed so books himself out and spends the whole time buying presents and having nice trips out.

He does know he's got it good but I can't help feel cross when he does the smug proud Dad thing (she is very pretty)...her bloody mother does all the work!

I sent my ex a text at 2.30am this morning of his little girl (3) begging to see him as he hasn't seen her for 5 weeks!

Juvenile I know, but I was so upset and frustrated as I couldn't do anything with her, I work full time and I'm bloody shattered!! She plays me up but is an angel for him ........!

I feel for you, but try not to bad mouth him or show your frustration in front of your little one, you will show as the stronger one!!

xx

Shaz at 6 your ds is not going to be waltzing off to live with your ex. Not with so little input from him and your ex having to radically change his life to accomodate it. He may say he wants too, but only because dad is the fun parent with no rules. If he lived with dad he'd soon see it differently. So stop worrying about that, it's not going to happen.

When you say your ds stays the weekend what does that entail? One overnight only I bet. Perhaps it's time to step it up over the next few weeks so he has him friday night to sunday evening. And then in another 6-12 months time step that up to friday to monday in preparation for school. And why can't he do a midweek given your ds isn't at school yet. So ask him to have one midweek night so it's not two whole weeks between contact.

Do you think your ds could cope with 4 days at his dad's? If so suggest to your ex that maybe he would like to take them for a long weekend at the beach or a midweek break to centre parcs.

And why exactly are you sending bags of stuff to your ex? He is a parent not an uncle or grandparent doing you a favour. He should be getting his own supply of clothes, nappies, bedding, toys, feeding utensils, food... His mainetenance is being reduced to account for these expenses after all.
So give him due warning that once ds is 2 you will expect him to have everything set up as this is a permanent situation and your ds must get used to having two homes.

Then send him in what he is wearing with a spare nappy and whatever his must have toy/blankie etc is and that's it.

Let your ex be a parent and allow him to step up to it. You can't keep pandering to him and you have to let go. Then you'll not feel like your running yourself ragged all the time. In order for him to share the parenting you have to share the time and the responsibilty. GIve him that time to see all the things you do and experience the realities of sleepless nights and curbed social/work life.

Course the real question is can you let go of it and allow him to be a fully involved and equal parent...
Or are you just tired and snowed under and having a general moan and in reality you do appreciate that you have it so much better than your ex becasuse you have the time and the reality of being a real parent. While he is nothing more than a fun parent who is basically on a par with a grandparent or favourite uncle and isn't the one your ds will turn too when he needs comforting and security...