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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

do you feel your child is safe at sleepovers?

26 replies

bellbottom · 23/10/2010 14:26

Hello, single mum to my dd of 2.5 years. Dad has never been part of the picture and we live alone abroad without family.

I never went out for 2 years and only now started to do it with a babysitter now and then.

Since she was born lovely offers come in from mums I become friends with, saying ' bring her to my place. My dh can look after them and we can go out for a night. Or " bring her to ours for a sleepover so you can have a night off"

Its all very kind and obviously they dont give it a second thought, but how the hell can I just hand my dd into the care of a man that I don't know very well? Children are at such risk of abuse and I just don't feel I can judge if a man is totally safe just by knowing him casually. I mean, GOD! Some fathers do it and the mothers would never susepct! And they are supposed to know them inside and out as their wives. But clearly its impossible to know anyone inside and out.

So - how to handle this? I feel so awkward about it. Dd has a new friend in our street. I started hanging out with the mum and the dad sometimes as he goes to same swimming class. They're so happy the friendship between the 2 has started. The boy came to play here the other day and then the dad said he'd do the same for me on his day off. He also suggested dd come for a sleepover one night. I just turn dumb at those moments, because how can I explain I'm not comfortable with it without them taking it personally? How can I ever expect them to understand???

Does anyone else battle with this issue?? I feel SO alone!!!!!!

OP posts:

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3littlefrogs · 23/10/2010 14:29

Just say she wouldn't settle, but thank them very much anyway.

I think she is too young for a non-family sleepover. I used to leave mine with my sister from an early age, but that is different IMO.

Pumpkinbummum · 23/10/2010 14:29

Exactly what 3littlefrogs said

Original poster

bellbottom · 23/10/2010 14:32

Thanks 3 little. But they already know she sleeps 12 hours and has slept unwoken through the night since she was a few months old!! (I know - shes a rare case!)

Plus, she's been for sleepover at the lady opposite who is also a single mum, but I'm ok with that situation. They may find out about it, being in the same street and I don't want to lie....

OP posts:

ValiumSkeleton · 23/10/2010 14:33

all you can do is trust your own judgement. I have done this and it was fine. I had a good night out I wouldn't have had otherwise. But I knew my friend well, knew they had a good healthy happy marriage. I just didn't hear any little voices in my head.

But I have on occassion felt that something wasn't right about somebody, not a friend's husband, just somebody unconnected iykwim, so if I was getting that feeling then obviously I wouldn't think of ignoring that little voice.

All you can do is trust your own judgement, but I think perhaps I probably sound quite cavalier to you, having done exactly what you say you can't do....

alarkaspree · 23/10/2010 14:35

I don't think anyone will be remotely offended if you say 'Thanks so much for the offer but I think dd's a bit young for sleepovers'. They won't think you suspect them of being abusers, just that you/she are not ready. My dcs wouldn't have slept over at a friend's house at that age, they have just had their first sleepover at the ages of 4 and 6.

But in answer to your question, I don't particularly feel that they would be at risk of abuse at sleepovers.

Original poster

bellbottom · 23/10/2010 14:40

Thanks valium. I have tried to talk myself out of this approach many times. My mind is always in battle about it and I also feel I'm shooting myself in the foot to some degree as how else can i make a life for myself and maybe meet a potential partner? Instead I decline offers and stay home.

I do look to the marriages - one friend that offered has 2 kids but her relationship with partner been suffering for years. And he's impossible to know as he comes in and says ' hi how you doing' and that's it for him. Then he goes to another room. So I don't feel able to know him or trust him.

The people in the street are very nice and relaxed but they're new to me, so what do I know at this stage? I pick up on certain vibes, but it could just be my insecurities that feed those thoughts...?

I feel it's almost a phobia and I dont know a way out.

OP posts:

bellbottom · 23/10/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiteandnerdy · 23/10/2010 16:08

Err, why in this mixed up crazy world don't you just tell them the truth. Your not accusing said husbands of being violent psychopaths or kiddy fidlers, this is about your feelings as a parent. If your uncomfortable with the thought of a male looking after your DC then it's just how you feel and your friends should respect this.

Since splitting from my ExP one of the wonderful freedoms is I can express how I actually feel about things.

Mumcentreplus · 23/10/2010 16:25

2.5 is a bit young for a sleep-over anyway imo..

Dunno about the speech..why not just say no thanks..

readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 10:29

Ummm, woman abuse kids too? Why are you stereotyping men? Kids also abuse other kids?

I don't think you can protect your dd from abuse 100% I understand where you are coming from,I think she is too young at the moment but you obviously were happy to let her sleep over with a woman. How do you not know this woman is an abuser?

You make no logical sense IMO.

whiteandnerdy · 25/10/2010 11:45

Hey since when have feelings made logical sense, if all our feelings were logical I wounder how many of us would be posting in the lone parents section [hwink].

But I guess that answers my question about telling the truth about your feelings [hwink]

PreciousLittle · 25/10/2010 11:58

I think you're right to be cautious. Just say 'no thank you'. You don't have to explain.

If forced, say something like, "Oh, I won't even consider sleepovers until DD is 8/10/24", and hopefully they'll shelve the issue. If they bring up the mum across the road, just say you have some cosmic connection as single mothers and it's different... sound vague and unhinged and they won't follow it up!

When your child is older, she could reliably tell you what's going on and if she feels uncomfortable around certain people. She's just a tiny one now.

Niceguy2 · 25/10/2010 12:14

Personally I'd ask casually if her husband has been CRB checked. If not, insist on one. Whilst you are at it, ask if their house has been OFSTED inspected and how many safety gates they have. Do they have 24x7 CCTV and police patrolling the perimeter of the house?

I mean you really can never be too careful can you? I mean in this day & age you really must start with the position that every man is a child abuser unless some arbitary piece of paper PROVES otherwise.

Child abuse happens. I read it just yesterday in the Daily Mail so it must be true.

Tomorrow I am going to stop my children from ever crossing the road because do you know that people actually get run over on them!?!

The day after I am going to start a post asking why I am resolutely single and moaning why noone ever invites me out.

talie101 · 25/10/2010 17:19

Wow Niceguy2 - that's REALLY harsh!

Women are not men and vice versa - how could you ever imagine how bellbottom feels!

There are some single women out there (I'm one of them) that would NOT just hand over their dc's to just anyone because they had made a kind gesture! Surely you as fathers should be grateful that we wouldn't - at the other end of the scale there are quite a few mothers who would happily neglect their children and hand them over to anyone at every opportunity just to be selfish and enjoy their 'own' lives, with no consideration whatsover for the thoughts or feelings of that child - which would you prefer?

There is nothing wrong with being over protective of your children bellbottom - I became that the day my exh left for OW - the overwhelming responsibilities of being a single parent and making hopefully all the 'right' decisions for them has made me this way in all areas of their lives.

Trust your instincts.

longgrasswhispers · 25/10/2010 18:55

I would just say that you are not ready to let go of her for that long yet. That way, you can say it with a smile on your face, as though you know you're being ridiculously clingy, but make it absolutely clear that you won't change your mind. They can tease you about your 'over-protectiveness' and you can just laugh along with them, without budging an inch. And then you won't have offended them! They'll think it's you that's the silly-billy....

I do this and I know people think I'm a clingy mum, but I don't care.

readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 18:57

Hehe NiceGuy, and I thought I was harsh! You are right though

DancingHippoOnAcid · 25/10/2010 19:16

Hmm you seem to be only cautious about leaving her with men. Is that entirely reasonable?

Women can be abusers too and are just as likely as men to lose their rags if your DD wakes and screams constantly, say.

Trust your instincts and only leave DD with people you feel you can trust, but please don't base that decision on their sex.

Personally, I would not have wanted to leave my DCS at that age at the home of any non family member as I don't think they would have settled.

LynLiesNomoreZombieFest · 25/10/2010 19:20

I am thinking about non-famiily sleepovers now DS is nearly 10.

I would think 2.5 is much too young, especially if you do not know them very well.

A 2.5 year old would have a problem communicating anything to you that she was not happy with.

choufleur · 25/10/2010 19:22

I think you are being over cautious thinking that you can't leave her with men in general but you're her mum so you need to go with what you feel comfortable with.

Don't make her paranoid about men though as she grows up, anymore than women she doesn't now, just because of their sex.

Faaamily · 25/10/2010 19:24

You should always go with your instincts and what you feel happy with. My two are 5 yrs and 2 yrs and I wouldn't be happy about them having any sleepovers other than at their granny's or aunty's house. I don't expect this to change any time soon.

Oblomov · 25/10/2010 19:32

Agree that 2.5 is too young for sleepovers.
But I question your emotions and logic. and yes even emotional things need to be rational.
ds1 has had sleepover with my sil and his cousins from an early age. ds2(2) is happy to play at my closest freinds house with her 3 yr old that he sees many times a week, for a hour whilst I pop tot he gp. so thtas basically a playdate, no ?
i wouldn't let him sleepover. he's too young.
but your irrational logic of over anxiety, is a tad worrying.
have you been hurt or abused ? was her father horrible to you ? because i can't quite understand some of the questions you are asking, of people.
lots of men would say hello and then go to the kitchen when a woman came round for gossipy-women-tittle-tattle, surely ? hardely a sin ?

Niceguy2 · 25/10/2010 20:04

Harsh? What's harsh is someone extending their hand in friendship, even offering to organise the childcare but to get turned down because their OH might be a peado.

It must be hard to live in a world where the default position is to fear and suspect everyone. I actually feel sorry for OP.

Granard · 25/10/2010 23:29

2.5 is too young for a sleep over. Unless it's family &, even then, it can be too young depending on the child.

Original poster

bellbottom · 26/10/2010 21:02

Wow - a variety of opinions and attitudes. It is mostly very enlightening to read the many different approaches towards logic, emotions, common sense, trust and harsh realities of life.

Some people prefer to verge on the safeside for the purpose of protecting their children. Whilst others prefer to mock this and would rather put 2 fingers up to the harsh realities of life because it's simply too much hassle and just not cool !!!!
And without mentioning names, a certain person goes on to say that being sensible and protective is the reason someone ends up as a single parent. Talk about shallow and idiotic. Clearly you don't know life and you don't know people.

But I appreciate the wise words of many of you and will definately base my futures decisions on a lot of what I've heard here.

Thankyou!

OP posts:

Meglet · 26/10/2010 21:08

2.5 is very young for a sleepover. TBH I would go with your instincts.

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