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Lone parents

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Original poster

Body insecurites in a new relationship

16 replies

yuckytummy · 20/10/2010 16:15

I hope this is the right place to put this, and have namechanged as I am embarassed
I'm in a very very new relationship having spent the last 3 years on my own. I've had 2 children and my body shows it. My tummy is literally the worst I have ever seen on anyone, stretchmarked all over and loose saggy skin. There is nothing I can do about it, the rest of me is slim, but the tummy and boobs are a disaster.
I'm so happy at the moment, the man I have been seeing is so fabulous. But I am actually mortified at the thought of him seeing me naked, to the extent that I am paranoid that he would dump me. I know the advice on these things is always that if he loves me it won't bother him, but really, I can't bear to look at it in the mirror so god only knows what he will think.
He knows we are takign it slow, but do I mention the reason? I don't know if it's better to say, look, my tummy ain't what it used to be, or just not mention it, but I feel I should let him know I have a problem with it before we're in the moment iyswim.
I know this is a silly thing to worry about in the scheme of things, but I can't stop worrying what he will think. We're both in our twenties, and he's not gone out with someone with children before so I think it will be a shock to him :(
Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:

bundlebelly · 20/10/2010 16:26

I know it is impossible to just change your feelings around something just because someone suggests you should, but try to be proud of your mummytummy!

There is a really lovely bit in the book 'The God of small things' where the mum is showing her kids her stretchmarks and they love seeing the evidence of where they kicked and moved around. And she ends up having amazing sex with an amazing man (not the daddy, much younger) who loves her body, and what her body has created.
Be empowered! Just share a bottle of wine, and talk to him about how you feel. Hopefully he will be mature and lovely and sexy enough to make you feel amazing as a mother and a lover! Good luck

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/10/2010 16:35

If you're really self conscious about it, do let him know, if only so he can reassure you. Could you try wearing corsetty type lingerie so your tummy stays covered while, ahem, access is permitted?

Original poster

yuckytummy · 20/10/2010 16:40

I have thought of a corsety thing, but I dunno. I know the real crux of the thing is that I have to accept it as it is. It's never goign to just disappear so I have to accept it. My ex didn't have a problem with it at all fwiw, he thought it was nice and 'soft' (bleargh) but even with him I wouldn't let him touch it if I could help it. So really, there are men who clearly aren't bothered by it. But I am

OP posts:

anothermum92 · 20/10/2010 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 20/10/2010 17:38

The corsetty thing would be just to begin with; you can reveal the horrific truth later in the evening.

I hate my tummy and my stretchmarks too, but I've got used to them over the decades years. You will too. And he won't mind in the slightest, or, if he does, he's not worth any more of your time, and at least you found out early.

birminghamgirl · 20/10/2010 21:27

I used to be paranoid about my tummy until I was in a newish relationship. I didn't ever mention it but the new man I was with started talking about his! I hadn't even noticed it and he hadn't noticed mine - or if he had he didn't mention it!

Hazeleyedbaby · 20/10/2010 21:57

I know exactly where you are coming from, I however am newly single but cannot imagine ever being naked infront of another man as my boobs have really suffered pregnancy and BF - stretchmarks and drooping

If I ever find myself in another relationship I intend to keep my bra on at all times, there are really nice lacy bra tops which are sexy and cover the tummy which you could try? but defo go with some wine first to relax you and maybe let him know your hang ups further down the line he will prob then reassure you

Good luck and enjoy

ForMashGetSmash · 20/10/2010 22:51

Yes...go for a nice bit of lingerie until you're comfortable with him...but in my experience they don't care! They really dont...it's us who get bothered.

winnybella · 20/10/2010 22:57

Look, I had one DC before I got together with DP- my tummy wasn't great, breasts had stretch marks and were saggy. I'm slim, btw. Then we had DD and my breasts are really quite worse than before and so is my tummy (loose skin, stretch marks etc).

I haven't noticed any difference in his attraction to me whatsoever. And he's a guy that mostly went out only with pretty young childless things.

In the end, most guys are very happy to have sex and if they can have sex with someone they like/love it's even better.

winnybella · 20/10/2010 23:00

And also, can we just be clear that stretch marks and saggy bits are NORMAL- normal in that a great majority of women who gave birth have them. What you see in the glossy magazines and on tv is not a rule.

And if he's (which I very much doubt) the kind of guy who can only get a hard on when with a dewy skinned 20 yo, then you wouldn't really want to be with him anyway, would you?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 21/10/2010 00:55

Loads of women have stretch marks/saggy bits without even having had children. The stretch marks on my thighs (over which I sobbed, as a recent bride) appeared when, in the space of a couple of months, I gained two dress sizes (going from 8 to 12, and I'm only 5 feet tall) after my GP changed my Pill. :(

readywithwellies · 22/10/2010 00:03

I know exactly how you feel. You have to fake confidence, then you will look confident and therefore sexy and he won't care. The first time is the worst, get it over with and you can, hopefully, stop worrying about it. I have scars and was v paranoid but was all OK.

gillybean2 · 22/10/2010 11:43

If it's making you anxious and nervous it is affecting your relationship and will cause intimacy problems between you.

I would tell him you have issues, which you know are your own, about how your body looks since having children and it makes you nervous and apprehensive of getting more intimate.

You don't have to go into detail or explain more than that hopefully. But it should be enough to make him understand that when you withdraw or are distant it's because of your own insecurities, not anything he has done.

Otherwise he may start to wonder if he's doing something wrong, you're not really into him, or think you're a bit weird and start to have second thoughts possibly.

As someone once said, most men aren't too worried about the mantlepiece while they're stoking the fire, as it were. Just bear that in mind and remember that if it is a big deal to himn then he's nit the right man for you anyhow. Best to find out sooner rather than later don't you think?

GreenasJade · 22/10/2010 12:18

I don't actually think men notice this stuff, I really don't, they are just so pleased to be getting some! .

SaggyHairyArse · 25/10/2010 21:10

Have recently been in this situation. I have started seeing a man I had a relationship with in my early 20sand am now 37 with 3 kids. It was probably easier for me to talk about it as we have known each other for years.

Bless him, he sent me a message the day after the deed was done telling me that I haven't changed a bit and I had nothing to worry about!

Explosion · 27/10/2010 23:05

I'm single and have been for years, and I read on mn a while ago that somebody's flaps were like an explosion in an abattoir. Mine are like that. They are disgusting. I don't know fi I will be self-conscious about them when (if?) that time ever comes, so I really feel for you.

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