So who's fault WOULD it be?

[HappyWithLife]

Just thinking today, if two people have an affair, and only one of them is married/in a relationship...who is more to blame? Is it the married party, or the single party, or both equally? Is the single person not to blame because he/she is single and free to date/sleep with whoever or are they guilty because they know the other person is spoken for? Is the married person equally or more to blame because they are, after all, the one already committed to someone else?
I'm only asking because I got hit on today by someone who is in a relationship with a woman, and they have a little boy together. I found it quite amusing in a way because I am single, and have no one to consider, but my sense of sisterhood is such that I wouldn't get involved with someone who is already with another woman. But it did get me thinking about blame.
What do you think?

THe one who is cheating on his/her partner is generally more to blame. The person who is single has not forced the other one to enter into an affair, after all and may believe the attached person that his/her relationship is awful/over in all but name/open to the inclusion of other partners now and again.
WHich may of course be true as well.

Both equally tbh. I really can't see why anyone would get involved with someone who is married, and while the married one would obviously be a prize twat, the single one should also know better.

I started this a little while ago, the opinions were quite interesting I thought!

here

Hmm, I meant "Istarted a thread like this..." sorry!

LOL BellasFormerFriend...that did make me smile. Sorry, didn't read the past thread, will have a look now.

It's the married party at actual fault. the single party who shagged the married party should be ashamed of themselves, and should examine their self esteem as to why they feel they don't deserve to have a whole person.

Yes...that did sound bad didn't it?

I wasn't trying to be antsy about you starting a similar thread though (I am not a "Yawn this has been done" type )! Thought the responses I got would be interesting to you!

I've skimmed through your thread, and it does make interesting reading. I've no intention of taking this man up on his offer you understand, I wouldn't do that to another woman. He is attractive, and if he were single I'd jump at the chance but it's a total no go for me. During the course of the conversation he said that if they split up she'd move back to her home town, a couple of hundred miles away with their son and that would break his heart, so WHY would he be trying to embark on an affair?

I've just reread that last post and it makes me sound like I'm actually considering it! It wasn't a 'who oh why is he considering it', it was just a 'dur...if it would break your heart why would you even consider risking it you muppet' .

Lol, don't worry I picked up the "er?? Why?" vibe!

I suspect that a lot of men, in general, just do not put a and b together to come up with c. It seems that, in most areas of life, a lot of men (well at tleast the ones I have met ) just bumble along with a kind of "worry about it when it happens" attitude. A surprising number also seems totally shocked when a course of action reaches its logical conclusion - as if the fact that they had not thought it through and actually didn't mean x to happen should be more than enough to make sure that x doesn't happen - some sort of "ignorance = a karmic buy out" thing!

Let's not forget that sometimes the 'betrayed' partner does deserve it, though. If s/he is a controlling bullying arse (whether that's by aggression or constant whining and sulking) then sometimes the cheating partner only recovers the self-esteem to leave by means of an affair.

I think that line of thinking gets some divided opinion and, tbh, I can see both sides. On the one hand it is "never" right to cheat - if you want out bail out and then get someone new but on the other hand sometimes people really do need that crutch and other people do not even realise how terrible a situation they are in until they are faced with a good situation IYSWIM.

I think the thing is, everyone's relationship is different. This is what I most despise about obsessive monogamism - fine to have big Rules for your own relationship and bang on tediously about how there is nothign worse than Infidelity (which is in itself utter bullshit, there are lots of things much worse than having sex with someone other than the official partner), but keep your beak out of other people's when you dont know their circumstances. It's very common for people in abusive, toxic relationships to have been convinced by their awful partners that this i 'just what real relationships are like'; it;s ony when they meet someone who treats them like a human being that they realise thye don't have to live with a bully/abuser/manipulator any more.

"It's very common for people in abusive, toxic relationships to have been convinced by their awful partners that this i 'just what real relationships are like'; it;s ony when they meet someone who treats them like a human being that they realise thye don't have to live with a bully/abuser/manipulator any more."

Exactly that, there are far too many things that go on behind closed doors for anyone to really judge the rights and wrongs in mant cases - however there are also people who just do not have any sort of moral compass and cannot see their actions have an effect on other people. I think part of the problem is that, on some level, most of us recogise that there is degrees of wrong doing in infidelity - otherwise why else would the "my wife doesn't understand" line have worked so well? But the fact that we all know infidelity causes pain makes everyone deny this tactic understanding and fall in with the party line of "never/terrible/worst sin known to man"

Indeed it would be your own fault for wanting to judge/characterise rather than understand, depending upon what moral view-point you see things and from what you yourself want to get out of making such judgements about other people.

Personally I really don't think I'm any less stupid than anyone else scrabbling around trying to make sense of their life while f**king up everyone elses . Though I do find a sense of humour and a think skin a great comforter