Children don't want to go to Dad's

[jfhy01]

Hi

I posted this as an answer to another thread but feel it might need its own slot...

My ex and I split up 3 years ago and I met my new partner about 18 months ago. We were very careful to introduce him very slowly to the children - only after 5 months and an hour or so at a time at first. I needn't have worried and they took him to straight away. He met my ex and they got on too.

A few months ago, during the summer hols, the kids went to stay with the ex for a week as I was working. When they came back they had spent 3 days at the ex's new gf's house (which is about 100 miles away). I didn't even know he had a gf and that they were going away!

The problem I have is two-fold. Firstly) my ex has always had a strained relationship with my eldest (now 12) to the point that he went to a teacher at school as he was feeling 'bullied' by him (his words). Although he has taken them on holiday and often does exciting activities with them, they never want to go and stay with him and say he ignores them most of the time, then this new person is on the scene and he panders to her every word (understandably) and they are forced to spend hours traipsing around after her while she shops, or being left with babysitters while they go out, meanwhile all the activities they used to do are no longer happening so they are feeling very left out! Secondly, she has made a couple of rude comments to them, checks the ingredients of everything they eat, not allowing even a piece of chocolate to pass their lips (their Dad frequently took them to McDonalds before he met her ? which I was never that pleased about but couldn?t stop) and if they go to her house she shouts if they make a mark on the furniture etc. Apparently (and this came from the ex) she split up with her ex husband because she didn?t get on well with his kids.

Every time they were due to go after the first couple of times of being introduced to her, they cried and pleaded with me to let them stay home. I tried all I could to encourage them as I want them to have a relationship with their Dad and always try and encourage them to see the positive in everyone they meet. They were having such a miserable time and it was affecting the elder child?s schoolwork so I called a meeting for the ex, dcs and me and he conceded that he hadn?t been paying them enough attention lately and agreed that for the next few times he had them, it would be just them and him, and then she would be introduced again but rather more gradually, which we were all happy with. This happened once.

Last week he collected them as usual and when they got to his, she was there. The next day he brought them over as the youngest had a sport fixture here ? the first thing he did was to bring the eldest home to me and when I wandered across to watch a bit of the match, the ex was nowhere to be seen ? he had gone to a local cafe with her and missed half the match! Both the dcs wanted to come home straight away and when I looked at him to encourage them to stay with him, he just looked away.

He turned up the next day with their stuff and told me that I was ?to give them an ultimatum? as he and the gf are now a serious couple, there would never be a time when she wasn?t going to be at his house and if they didn?t like that, then he wouldn?t see them again. He reckons this will make them ?miss? him and want to go again. He told me I was wrong to take them home the day before as it didn?t give him a chance to show them that they could have fun with her there and they had lots of ?activities planned?. I gently and politely pointed out that we had all agreed that he was going to have them by himself for just a few weekends to which he replied that as he was under a lot of pressure with work etc, he was relying on her being there (she isn?t there all week) at weekends to get him through and he had to ?see to (his) own needs? first and foremost' - fair enough but he could have explained this before and maybe had them some other time. He then told me to tell the kids all this and left saying he might have them one evening in the week when she wasn?t there but only in a few weeks time when he wasn?t so busy. I said I didn?t feel it was my responsibility to do this and he said ?well, if you want to absolve yourself and you don?t want to help...? They heard some of the conversation so I just said that his gf will always be there at weekends to which they said they never want to go again.

Now I am in a real predicament as I don?t want them to lose touch with him and I know the law says that it is important for them to maintain contact but what if as here, their Dad is pretty much saying that he is willing to risk not seeing them as long as the gf is there. I don?t know what to do ? I just want what is best for them. Please help!

Apologies for the length of this post but I thought it needed telling in full!

sounds like a difficult one im afraid, my dd 8 yrs old (ialso have 3 y old and 11mth old) does not go on many visits with her dad- her choice so i accepted it as she was getting unhappy and would always play up for him. i tried my best to persuade her but she wouldnt.

you seem to be trying your best to facilitate reasonable contact its your ex thats at fault- he should put the kids first and maintain regular contact with them as its important for them to have continuity and a routine. the kids have been in his life a lot longer than gf and will always be in his life whatever happens-gf may not be so he should put their needs first and see them on his own if thats how they like it to be.

Thanks for that reply. It makes me feel better to hear that.

I am more than happy for them to stay with me all the time but everything you read says you should try and encourage and maintain the relationship with their father and this would be the ideal.

He has always had the ability to make me feel like everything is my fault and this is no different - I think sometimes I just need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing for them.

yes, whilst it is meant to be best to maintain contact sometimes it doesnt work (i went through endless court appts, cafcass meetings etc when dd was younger) she just didnt want to go, best i can do now is always keep the option open to her so she knows if she changes her mind she can go when ds and dd go. ive told her that hr daddy loves her and accepts her decision and she seems so much more settled now as theres no pressure on her.im sure when shes older itll all fall into place.

rest assured you ARE doing the right thing as you are putting your dcs interests first and thats obvious from you post.try not to let ex make you feel a failure in any way-you arent at all i think sometimes its all too easy for the absent parent to get so caught up in their life that they forget the kids have to come first-we do it automatically as are always with them so it cant be any other way,we have to always put them first no matter what.

all the best

This sounds rotten. I've been through something a bit similar with my ds and his dad - it was painful to watch him slowly realising that his dad didn't really want him around. I don't think it's right that he's getting you to do his dirty-work. If he wants to deliver ultimatums to the kids then he should tell them himself.

You're doing all you can to encourage contact so don't feel bad about that - forcing them to go and stay would be awful.
If staying over at their dad's is a bit fraught at the moment, perhaps other forms of contact could tide them over - phone calls, letters/emails, days out ... also, you can help them keep in touch with other family members on their dad's side.

You might find things improve as your kids get older. DS still only sees his dad for a few days a couple of times a year but he goes willingly now and usually enjoys himself.

Thanks for that reply. It does make sense that forcing them to go is the wrong thing to do and I would feel so bad as I have in the past when they have gone.

Unfortunately, their Dad is meant to phone every Wednesday but usually forgets or is too busy to speak to them. I hope for better in the future.

Thanks again, it is so nice to know I'm doing the right thing.

well how understanding are you!?!? i would be climbing the walls ive never heard anything like it! this woman is pulling the strings by the sound of it! and he sounds pathetic! He needs to see to his own needs first and foremost!! did i read that correctly? men eh?! i obiously dont advice that you give this lady what for but i dont think i could help myself! and him well he would have had it a long time ago!
He forgets to phone or is to busy! thats shamefull!

I know - all true I'm afraid! Thanks for your post and support.

The best was when he introduced me to her - just turned up with her one day he came to collect the kids! I went upstairs to get their things and he walked her right through the house to the kitchen! We were decorating at the time so the house was a mess and I was really embarrassed! She then started picking things up and asking what they were!!

He actually called them last night - said he'd take them out tonight but we already had plans and I found myself apologising to him...think he might see them one evening next week but he has to 'check his schedule' everyday I count my lucky stars that I managed to get out of the relationship...as you can imagine, it was very difficult!

yes i can imagine it was difficult!

Oh poor you about the house when you were decorating! ive just moved into a new house and im decorating in a rush (babys due 6th nov) and i feel the need to describe what the rooms will look like when there finished to anyone who walks by the house, from postmen to delivery men! haha! im sure they think im nuts because they can clearly see im decorating!!

well you shouldnt feel the need to apologise for having plans! your bringing up them children and he has to 'check his schedule' well dosent your heart just bleed for him!! i dont think so!!

my situations different in that i knew from 5 minutes after i took my pregnancy test that my babys dad will never be involved and thats clear, and thats also no problem to me! he would be in out of my sons life even if he was involved and i know that for a fact, this way i can get on with it on my own and bring him up how i know best without the hassle and heartache, ok i know the whole baby should know his father thing, and im not denying thats true, but sometimes its just not possible and my son will have plenty of male influence from his uncle and grandad and family friends he can do without him! that may sound wrong to some people in happy relationships but we all have different storys dont we!

Absolutely true. I saw a solicitor after he left and even though I made clear the awful relationship he had with my son - they were insistent that I should do everything to make my son visit him - it broke my heart and certainly didn't do any good. Sometimes mothers know best and just because a child may not seem to be in danger of mental/physical abuse, doesn't mean the situation won't have a long lasting, bad effect on the child.

I really think that some men should have to show willing if they want to be in their kids' lives - it's not enough to take them to the pictures and then ignore them for the rest of the weekend, it's about understanding and showing them love - making them feel secure and loved, even if their Mum and Dad aren't together - every child has the right to not have to doubt this.

I think you are right to be so positive, it sounds like your baby will have so much love and you won't have to worry about inconsistency. I wish you loads of luck!

Thank you very much , wish you luck too!