Have just had to tell the ex my DSs dont want to stay at half term

[charlieliz]

Am anxiously awaiting a reply to my email -I had to email him as if I had phoned he would have yelled and slammed the phone down. My DSs are 12 and 14 and had a horrible time with him in the summer when, during a 5 day stay -he kept going out to appointments he had made despite knowing he would have the boys - and then had various friends round in the evenings and sat chatting to them and ignoring the boys. It has taken them 6 weeks to come to this decision, and now the boys are really worried as to how he will react -as am I. Going to be a long evening!

Not much you can do, is there, except wait...the boys are old enough to decide for themselves. My girls are used to being an inconvenience to their dad too, so you have my sympathies there. I was shocked to find last week that my 11yo DD was in the house alone for almost two hours while he had gone for a run. I was on the phone to her for ages but was too far away to do anything.

Your boys are old enough however I think it's worth encouraging them to develop communciation with their dad. Not sure what the history is - has he been a reasonable dad in the past and is this a recent thing? Did you speak with him after the week? The reason I ask is that if he's generally a good and caring parent then perhaps you can sensitively help him to understand the boys needs. i.e Rather than say they won't come - suggest they feel anxious and would like to know they have activities planned as they get bored.
My concern is that boys at this age need a dad but also need to learn how to communciate effectively with their parents. The 12 year old might be a bit young but I would expect the 14 year to be able to share his feelings with his dad. Can you suggest a compromise, maybe go for a few days? Help them to understand what they could do in the few days there.
My feeling is that dads often don't get it right - especially single dad who do not have a female influence. My DH is a fab dad but would needs help from me on suggesting what the children should be doing. I think as mums we have a key role - sometimes it's helping dads to build that bond with their children, we are fortunate that from birth we tend to have that extra time that dads just don't get.

sadly they were only going for 48 hours and dont even want to do that. There have been many previous occasions where I have had to speak to him once I get the boys back about what they have said about their visits -sadly it just doesnt seem to be going in. We have been apart 11 years and the amin reason we split up was that it became apparent just how unsuitable he was as a father. Unfortunately he is also rather scary and my 14 year old, despite being happy I have told his dad, is now really woried what he will say and keeps checking his phone for texts and flinching when it rings. I cant send them into that situation. Still awaiting a reply actually - think I will be the one checking my phone today!
Thanks

OK if you and DSs are intimidated by this man then the best thing is for them not to have to go. There is no point in trying to force them to have a relationship with a bully, against their wishes. If he sends abusive texts/emails ignore them (save them, though) if he is abusive on the phone say 'I won't be spoken to like that' and hang up.
You do not have to obey this man. If he takes you back to court and you can show evidence of his bullying then a court is unlikely to insist on contact, particularly as the DC are old enough to have their views taken into account.