DS2 doesnt want to go to dad's. What should I do?

[elastamum]

My DS2 who is 9 has started to become really unhappy at the thought of having to spend a week of his 2 week half term at his dads. Has been very teary, crying at bedtime.

He says he finds it stressful there, as he is expected to play with his younger step siblings all the time and they wont leave him alone. He is not allowed to tell them to go away and leave him in peace and he hates it. He wont talk to his dad about it and doesnt know what to do.

I think his dad will be gutted that DS2 says he isnt very happy at his house. DS2 has already asked to change his surname to mine since his dad re married and I worry he will reject his father as he grows older. He has told me that he hasnt told anyone at school about his dads new wife and his stepfamily as he doesnt want to be different. He is the only child in his class with divirced parents.

I am keen for him to maintain a good relationship with his father, but also dont know what to do for best to try and smooth things over for him. Am going to talk to his dad, but advice as to what might be best would be appreciated.

U think you need to have a non confrontational chat with your ex

Ah, poor him and you. I think he's old enough to be allowed some say in it but I also think you have to help him negotiate the tricky line between honesty with his father and kindness.

Could you and he agree how many days he would feel happy with and propose that to your ex? If it would be easier to come up with plans that involve him staying at home then do so.

And blimey at being the only child with divorced parents! That's very unusual these days, are you sure? Maybe he only thinks that;s the case and there are all sorts of families in his class but he just doesn't know the details of their family situations.

Good luck, it is hard negotiating new rules for blended and second families but I think you're right if you support your ds in this.

He is in very small class in posh prep school. Unfortunately his only friend who's parents split left the class, as mum couldnt afford the fees and dad wouldnt pay.

Am going to chat to his dad, but its a difficult one as dad is very touchy about anything that might imply critisism of his new family set up

Hi,

I have a 9 year old dsd who lives with me and my dp and my two dcs,5& 3.

There seems to be alot of issues here.

I think there is underlying issues from your split. I think ds2 needs to talk to someone other than you and exp about how he is feeling (he will be playing one against the other) maybe a visit to a counsellor?

Also, my dsd has a code word so we know when she is fed up of the younger dcs and this gives her time to go to another room and play on her own. We never challenge this but restrict the time spent to an hour or so. Maybe this is something that your exp could implement?

I would approach the exp by saying, can we meet to discuss ds2 as he is unhappy. Go to a neutral public place and write a list of things you want to cover so things are structured and do not escalate into chaos.

I had similar with my dd when she was about 10 (no other children involved, just a very demanding and sulky stepmum who wanted to be joined at the hip to dds dad constantly). She didnt want to go as all they ever did was what stepmum demanded. I spoke to exh about it but he wasnt willing to listen at the time, she spent less and less time there and then at the age of 14 refused to ever go there again and has completely cut her dad out of her life, she is 15 now and has not seen or spoken to him for about 15 months. She just wanted to be able to spend the odd hour or so on her own with her dad but he would not listen and he now bitterly regrets this, but in dds eyes its too late.

All you can do is try to calmly explain that he needs to just have a think about how your ds feels and could a small amount of time be set aside for just your ds and his dad or at least for your ds to be able to go to his room and have some chill out time. If he wont listen he may well regret it in the future.

Good luck

Thanks for your thoughts, have thought about consellor but suspect DS2 will refuse outright, as he hates talking to strangers about anything personal - he will only share stuff that is bothering him with me and it takes him a while to open up.

Code is a good idea. Might float that with his dad. He did at one time implement a rule that DS's room was their private space at his house, but this seems to have gone out of the window. DS often hid in his room and wouldnt play with his younger step siblings, who are 2 girls and a boy and about 3 yrs younger. DS2 now says he is not allowed to chuck them out of his room as it upsets them!

He says when he is at his dads he spends as much time as he can in his room, other kids fighting downstairs and dad watching TV or arguing with new wife??!! He hates it, it stresses him out and he just wants to come home.

Since ex left there is very little conflict in our house, as his dissatisfaction with me and everything else, was the greatest source of stress to both me and the kids.