What do other Single Mums do when their DC are away ?

[pinemartina]

Hi - it's a beautiful ,sunny day here.My older 4 dc are away this weekend with their father and won't be back until late tonight.

I am 42, on maternity leave and am at home now with baby dd,6 months.They are away every other weekend and,before she was born,this was when I I spent time with her father.

He became abusive during my pg and,thanks to advice from MN,we have no contact.

But now,I feel at a lose end when at home with only my baby.She was unplanned,and a big shock,but I love her dearly and know I am lucky..

Trouble is,I was used to being "single" on my free time.Now,I'm full time with a tiny one.I quite like pottering around and taking the dog for a walk.But suppose I miss the bit of freedom I had,and this is making it difficult to build an enjoyable new - sociable - life,at weekends......

My friends are single and dating,or doing grown-up stuff - city things...or are having family time with their dc and dh.

What do other mums do? We live in the country about 40 miles from a city.I have guilty fantasies about an alternative life,where I wander round galleries and sip coffee in cafes.....not quite the same when you have to stop and breastfeed......and lonely...I feel people imagine I am a happy new mummy with a dh at home....families everywhere...

Apologies for the self pitying moan

pinemartina - i don't have the answer. i have 2 DCs (4 and 19 months) and they spend 50% of their time with their dad and 50% with me. it is relatively early days (split happened in august) but i hate the 50% of my life when i do not have them.

they have been with their father this weekend and i have cried all weekend. i just want my kids with me. i don't want a hobby, or to 'make the most of my freedom'. i just want my kids.

everywhere i look there are people with kids. i cried my way around the supermarket this morning looking at all the parents with their kids. it feels like someone has ripped my soul out.

Oh no,MakingAMess,I'm so sorry.That is a very recent split,you must have a lot of sadness at your loss,as well as coping without your dc.

I think it is harder to be without them when they are so small.My next youngest is nearly 9 and my eldest 14,so I am quite glad of some thinking space - or was.But I remember breaking my heart when the little one was 2..I used to cry whenever I saw a baby....

I think we grieve for the happy family we hoped to give our dc's - and ourselves...I envy the families I see everywhere,despite realising - from MN - that many are not all that they seem.

I met my xp - my baby dd's father whilst "making the most of my freedom",and all was good (I thought) until "our" time - without dc -threatened to become another family,as I got pg.He became abusive then.But I now realise he was very controlling before...so I never had to work out how to spend my time - he sorted it!

There must be many mums in this situation...What do others do?

when dd was at that age, dh worked away a lot. i was working, but had the same thing at weekends - it feels like other people are doing family stuff so you can't intrude.

do you go to any mum & baby groups? does your hv know of any groups for single mums?

i used to sometimes go into town & have a drink, buy a magazine etc. once dd was a toddler that wasn't such an option.

or go swimming, if there's a time for babies (though they tend to be midweek)

any nice gardens/woods to walk around?

local library? i could get some baby books, plonk dd on the floor, then browse for books myself.

or i'd just sit in the garden reading (or do some gardening)with dd nearby with toys.

are there any gyms with a decent creche? i got v lucky there while on mat leave - there was cctv so i could watch dd during my workout.

basically, until dd started walking, i would pack up a bag of her things & do quite a bit. once she was mobile, things got a lot harder - those little hands of hers got everywhere!

pine my DS is quite a bit older than your youngest, so life is quite different. when he is staying with family it is usually so that i can work (and go out to play!).
i am utterly broody, and envisage having a new baby (funny, i cant imagine any other type of parenting other than single parenting, although i will never be a SP again) and having lots of indulgent me and baby time. in this time i imagine long walks with the pram, followed later by watching a film in bed with dinner, while cuddling and feeding little one.
i realise i sound quite odd, but i think the trick is to be indulgent with whatever time you have.

kickassangel is so right, getting out and about is so much easier before babies become mobile!

MakingaMess :( you sound so down, i wish i could offer some constructive advice but i'm sure you will have already heard and thought of anything i have to advise. make plans, ctach up with people you've been meaning to see, visit places you want to see. i hope you feel better about your situation soon.

I just saw this and had to post. My fiancée left me for another woman when I was pregnant with our 3rd.I've told me mid march we were having problems but I found out he was seeing someone else. I tried to keep us together but I kickedhim out at the end of may as I couldn't cope with him playing happy families with me and the going off to see her!
So I have 2 boys of 3.5 and 2.5 and a 14 week old girl.
I moved out of his house when my daughter was 4 weeks old. From that point be basically did sharred care for the boys but he would also take our daughter for 4 hours on the nights when he had the boys even though I was breastfeeding. It used to break my heart saying goodbye to them all. I just used to sit and cry until I used to go and collect my daughter at 10pm. I got to the point where it was destroying me, it was too painful and I didn't want to be around. Especially as when my daughter was only 8 weeks old he was having his girlfriend round at the house spending time with our kids and my baby girl! Sick
I went to see a solicitor and put a stop to that as it was too unsettling for the boys and I should have never let him take our daughter away from me. But I let him because he refused to spend time in my house to see his daughter and I didn't want either of them to miss out. He now has the boys from 5.30 till 8 pm on tues and thurs. He's then allowed to spend 8-9 here on a thurs to see his daughter. He also has the boys every other weekend from 9am on sat to 8 pm on sun. This arrangemt suits me soo much better. I don't know what I'll do when my daughter is older and can go for weekends with him.
I do find all weekends hard, like you say when people see me out with my daughter they must think oh how lovely and assume that my other half is at home. It should be a happy time but it's not, I don't know where the first 14 weeks of her life has gone. He has put me through so much if I were to write it all down you wouldn't believe it- because I still struggle to believe some of the things he's done.
It's hard when I have all three on my own too, but at least I take comfort in having my brood with me. It breaks my heart when I see families out together because I can't help but think that should be me.

Sorry for the outburst/ hijack

Wheredidmyfeetgo

I know it must be difficult, as I didn't like my DS going to his Dad's when we first split up, but this was more about me not knowing what to do with myself.

One thing that stands out on your post are the 'Me' comments.

'I shouldn't have let him take our daughter' - she is his daughter also.

'But I let him because he refused to spend time in my house' She is his daughter aswell - would you want to have to go to his house and spend time there with him, just to see your children?

'The arrangement suits me better' Any arrangement should be one that suits both parties and puts the kids first.

Its obvious from your post that your Ex has really hurt you and it must be really difficult when he has found someone else, but please, please remember that it does get better and no matter how much of a shit he has been - he has every right to see his kids and not just on your terms.

All the way through this I have done what I thought was right for the children and have never stopped him seeing them.
I realise it's his daughter too, but she is only 15 weeks old and is breastfed hence me saying I should have never let him take her.
I don't expect or want him to spend time here to see the boys as there is no need. But to expect for a breastfed baby to be away from it's mother is crazy. What I realised is that I needed to protect myself to be able to maintain my milk supply and stay mentally fit to be able to look after all my children.
The new arrangement is putting the kids first as the split before was too unsettling and disruptive for them. They didn't know if they were coming or going. The new arrangement has been in place since the end of sept, they are alot more settled, they sleep well at night and the behaviour is more in line with how it was before the split. I think what's really important is to minimise the ammount of change and disruption for the children as they have been through massive upheavils recently.
I hope I don't come across as defensive here but I have always put the children first- unlike him, who introduced his new girlfriend to them way too soon which has left our sons feeling angry and confused!

"I shouldn't have let him take our daughter" - she's his daughter also. I realise that she is his daughter too hence me saying "our daughter".
If I'm honest though I don't see him as her dad, he is just a sperm doner. He left me when I was pregnant with her, he wasn't even there for the first night of her life. Again I won't stop him seeing our daughter but what is best for her at her age is to be with her mum as she is brestfed. The situation with our daughter then has a knock on effect on what's best for the boys too.
How old was your ds when he went to his dads and would you have felt the same way about letting a 5 week old breastfed baby go? What would have been best for the baby at that age?

I only have DD, so I find it painfully lonely when exH takes her every other weekend. I miss her just being here, it feels empty and cold.

As others have said, friends are all in relationships and have children, and their weekends are precious family time.

I just sit at home really and count the hours till she is back.

I have no one I can call to pop out for a coffee etc., so prefer to stay at home, I feel guilty if I spend money on myself as it feels self indulgent, but maybe I should let myself have a few treats.

I have tried dating and it was disastrous, so am staying single for now.

I am happy and content, have been single since April 2009, love our life together but have never learned to enjoy myself and don't know where to start and it makes things harder doing things on your own.

I wonder if there is any kind of support network or way of meeting up with people in a similar situation? There must be people in the same that don't have their children on the same weekend?
Surely that would make it easier having someone else to share with that's going through the same.

I am totally up for a support network - great idea!

MissPopOff - identify with what you say,too.

Please feel free to Message me.

And post any ideas anyone has about networking/meeting up!