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Horrible conversation looming - any advice please ?

11 replies

cloudedview · 08/10/2010 19:13

H and I recently separated -his choice and not what I wanted at all .. I am not totally convinced there is no-one else but he is not admitting anything for now. He is about to rent a flat in the area and for the last few months since he left he has been paying about £85 a month under what he legally owes me - child maintenance for 2 DCs and half the mortgage .

Anyway he called me today to say that this flat is going to cost him x amount ( the going rate for a 2 bedroom flat in the area so DD can stay - DS is only 3 months so too young) and that it does not leave him enough to live on so 'we need to look at the amount I'm able to pay you every month and have a chat about what we're going to do as I'm not going to be able to afford to pay you as much as I have been'

What happens here ?- I understand that he has legal obligations and that I could set the wheels in motion for that.. but in the mean time.....

Does anyone ever have any compassion for their exH and say 'Ok - pay me a couple of hundred quid less a month as I agree x is not enough to live on' or do I stand my ground and play hardball - 100% sticking to his legal obligations ? I have not sat down and worked everything out yet but, whilst I can get by now - my mat pay finishes soon and when I go back to work the childcare costs will rocket. Do I ignore the facts (ie we don't have enough money between us ) or is anyone ever flexible between themselves?

From my point of view - he has left me as a single parent to 2 young children - not my choice and I am well aware of how exhausting and hard life is and is going to be - particularly when I go back to work - why should I try and exist on any less money ? Of course there are things like that I could cut back on (DD's swimming lessons etc) but why should she have to suffer ? I buy very few things for myself but do do things like go for lunch at a cafe with friends - it keeps me sane.

I really do not want to leave the house (prices have risen so much here in the last few years there is no way I could stay round here but this is where my entire support network is) but cannot afford to stay here with less money. There is a possibility that my Mum could help me out a bit but why should she ease his financial burden ?

Does everyone just stick to the legal obligations here or am I expected to be understanding in this ? for the record he is a good father (ie the fun stuff) and wants to see plenty of them - but he's a terrible husband - we are not really talking right now and I HATE the idea of seeing him or talking to him as its too painful right now but this conversation is looming. any adviCE please!!

Any advice gratefully received .

OP posts:
BerryLellow · 08/10/2010 19:19

To be absolutely honest I think I would be sticking to what he was legally supposed to give. That said, I am not in your position so understand it's very hard. Hope things work out for you

StrawberryFruitBat · 08/10/2010 19:25

For us, I have been flexible.

We sat and worked out exactly what we both had coming in, going out, and how much was left over etc. XH is paying less than standard maintenance, but he is paying off our joint debts for credit cards, so it is a bit swings and roundabouts (I could be a bitch and say that they are in his name so deal with it, but I know it was joint debt). I haven't compromised on the children's lives though. I said "I need £x" which gave us enough with IS, tax credits etc to have the same amount of money that we had previous to the split.

When the debts are cleared, and/or income changes then we will reorganise.

I didn't want the split. I am not sure about the other woman situation. But, we are both happier apart so it is fairly amicable.

Do NOT go with your mum helping though.

XH had to accept that the DC couldn't have a room to themselves when they stay as we just couldn't afford it - he sleeps in the lounge and they have his room.

colditz · 08/10/2010 19:39

he could move into a one bedroom flat and sleep in the living room when his child/children visit.

Make him pay his legal obligations, but if he genuinely cannot afford to live, I'd hand it back out as you see fit - ie, he has to pay you 60 per week maintenance but that means he has a tenner left for food - hand him 30 back (but make sure he pays you the 60 in the first place or it sets a precedent of him thinking maintenance is optional.)

Over40 · 08/10/2010 19:44

If it ever ended up in court they would look to see what the arrangements had been and if they had worked. If you start letting him off money now they will take that as a "you don't need it" and I guess you do. He left you.... don't start feeling sorry for him now just concentrate on what you need as he isn't going to do that.

mamas12 · 08/10/2010 19:59

Stand your ground. He will take more and more liberties if you start to give in now.
You are not being kind to him or the dcs by letting him off but the opposite.
He and you need to live within your means. If that means he sleeps on the sofa when dcs visit thn so be it.

ValiumSingleton · 09/10/2010 09:41

I agree with mamas12. He chose to leave you so it's worrying that the short period where he mgiht have done the right thing out of guilt has gone ALREADY.

He can easily sleep on the sofa when your daughter is over, unless he is planning to entertain.....

Stand your ground. Tell him, we need to have a chat, you think you can pay what you want to pay, and it doesn't work like that. You pay £xx.xx

Does he think you have money to spare?

gillybean2 · 09/10/2010 10:16

How have you calculated what he 'legally owes you'?

What you should be doing is looking at the CSA calculator to see what child maintenance he should be paying. Obviously if he's intending to have the older dd overnight then there will be a reduction in the calculation for that.

That money is for your children and designed to keep them in the lifestyle they could have expected had you stayed together. He has to budget accordingly on what he has left. Just like you do.

As to the mortgage, I assume you will be buying him out at some stage..? Not sure of the legalities here as never had to split a mortgage, but this should be separate to the child mainenance really. Try and get it sorted as soon as possible. If he's no longer living there why does he have to keep paying? Unless you are making it part of the divorce settlement. You really need proper legal advice on that issue.

You then also need to see what you can claim in terms of benefits:

Have you applied for a reduction in your council tax for the single adult rate?

Have you applied for WTC & CTC? If you already do have you informed them you are now separated?
Have you checked whether you are entitled to any houseing benefit while on maternity leave and again after you return to work?

Are you planning to use OFSTED registered childcare? If so you can probably apply for the child care element of CTC to help with up to 80% of those costs.

Do you work full time or part time? If part time and on a low income you may be entitled to help with prescription costs, eye tests and glasses.

You may find the extra things you can now get mean you can afford to live on your salary, what he pays in child maintenance and benefits you receive.

However if it's not enough then you simply have to reduce your costs. And if that means moving to reduce your housing costs then you really must look at it with your head not your heart.
The other option is cutting back on swimming, food bills etc, or working more hours. I'm afraid that's what it comes down too.
So if your priority is to stay in that house and you simply won't move, and your income doesn't support your current lifestyle, then you have to be prepared to make cuts elsewhere to achieve that. I know that doesn't seem fair when he's the one who moved out and you don't want any of this. But that's the reality now.

So you need to insist he pays what the CSA guidelines says he should. If he won't simply ask the CSA to collect it on your behalf. If he can't afford to live after he pays that then he too has to look at reducing his costs, either with a smaller rent, downsizing his car, cutting his other expenses, working more hours....

It's not easy, but the money is for your children and he is obliged to support them. So really think long and hard before reducing what he pays. And if he doesn't like it then simply say you don't want it to be an issue between you so will put it in the hands of the CSA and then you no longe rneed to discuss with him (well except for the mortgage that is, but your solicitor can deal with that for you)

gillybean2 · 09/10/2010 10:18

Sorry forgot to include link. CSA calculator is here:

secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Also look at entitledto website for a rough guide to what benefits you may be entitled too. But you can also go and see the lone parent advisor at the job centre and you'll get some real figures there.

entitled to site now links to here...
www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

JiggeryPopery · 09/10/2010 10:21

I too think the 2 bedroom flat is a daft idea - can't dd sleep in with him when she stays? Or at least on a camp bed in his room, or he can kip on the sofa?

Leslaki · 09/10/2010 20:58

tell him to buy her a ready bed for her Christmas! I was about to post almost exactly what Gillybean said so I won;t repeat! You may be surprised at how much money you actually do get as a lone parent from tax credits etc. I totally understnad how you feel about not moving - I tried to stay in the house for nearly 3 yeasr but his refusal to pay maintenence forced me tosell. I couldn't afford to buy in the same area where my support network was so had to move 350 miles away back home to family. Your support network will be so impartant to you so see what you will get financially and DO NOT accept any less than he should be paying you. Good luck.

cloudedview · 10/10/2010 21:06

Thanks for that . some really useful advice and it's really making me see I have to toughen up now or shoot myself in the foot forever!.

He will honor his CM I think - its his 50% of the mortgage he is trying to reduce. Gillybean you asked why he should pay 50% if he is no longer here ? well Its 50% his house , he left of his own accord , I can;t pay his 50% too and he will still get 50% of the proceeds when it's sold - or is this wrong ? sorry if I sound clueless - maybe I am making assumptions!. He is not nasty about it but seems to think he is being decent by paying me what he is paying me which I find quite odd. (I guess it's more decent than doing a runner but only what he should be doing)

I enquired about WTC, TC etc as soon as he left and they seemed to think I would get 40 quid a month which I thought was odd. Not sure if now I have 2 DC that changes - I earn ok money but in London it really doesn't go that far - especially when you factor in travel and eye watering childcare costs when I go back to work soon.

Has anyone been in the situation where there simply isn't enough money between the two of you ? I mean if I decided to move (really don't want to) then there is very little equity in the house and I would only get a small mortgage by myself so I'm not actually sure what I could do. I should get some legal advice but worried about the huge financial costs of divorce.

I would love to hear of how others have worked this out as it must be a common situation ? thanks

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