12 year old daughter doesn't want to see her father

[sharon2609]

Hi I'm new to this website,but sooo pleased I found it.
My 12 year old does not want to see her father any more. He was a violent,drunk,controlling,manipulative monster when we were together. I finally got rid when daughter was 9 months old. He had very hit and miss contact with her. Then it stopped altogether for a long while.
He then took me to court for access. I agreed on supervised acces which then progressed to her staying over every other weekend.
She now says she doesn't want to see him....she's very much into seeing her friends( doesn't even want to see me really !!!!) She has said he smokes drugs in front of her and I know this is probably true.
What are her rights as we have a court order in place. He says it's my fault and I'm allowing her to make her own decisions which he doesn't agree with. He has cancelled seeing her on loads of occasions. I suggested that he take her out for tea after school but he doesn't want to do that.
He is also saying that I abuse her emotionally and physically....which is just not true.
WHhat do I do? Should I force her to go?

i wouldnt force her, if he isnt willing to meet you half way by taking out for tea then what does he expect? he cannot have it all his own way. if she doesnt want to see him then you cannot make her. All you can do is try to encourage her. if he took you back to court then the court would have to take your daughters views into account (she is old enough)and will probably just make a reasonable contact order if anything, this means you have to make her available for contact and as you are not refusing there really isnt anything he can do, its up to him to show her he is interested and wants to be part of her life and if he can't do that then its his own fault!

Thankyou for your reply. I feel that it is not so much that he wants to see her it;s just he doesn't like to be told. It's reassuring to hear that you think the courts will take her opinion into account. I'd love for her to have a good relationship with her father but it's a shame that he's not and never has been a good dad.

I understand how difficult this situation is - I have a dd who has a volatile relationship with her dad: in their case they tend to have spats and are both in the wrong (IMHO). She is now 17 but this has been going on since we split when she was 13.

Initially I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make sure their relationship stayed good but finally realised that it is, actually, their relationship and that if they want to stay connected on good terms then they will have work it out for themselves because noone can do it for them.

So like CountyD says, don't force her, make it clear to him it's her decision to come or not, point out to him that if she doesn't want to come it's probably something to do with him, point out to her that it's her decision and therefore her responsibility too, ensure you clearly communicate to her your considered views on contact with him, but try to stay out of being piggy in the middle.

Unfortunately despite my hands-off strategy I find I still have to soak up flak - from him moaning about her attitude/making wild threats about moving to Australia etc; and from having her living here 100% of the time instead of the 50% I budgeted for. But hey ho, teenagers and ex husbands aren't problem-free and on balance having them is better than the alternatives!

Thankyou.... I get so wrapped up in trying to keep everyone happy. I feel better for realising that some things I have no control over. You're right it is THEIR relationship not mine. The one thing i need to do is explain to daughter what she might lose if she doesn't see him, which actually isn't much on the emotional side. Although missing out on getting christmas pressies may just sway her !!!