Overnight stays for babies?

[Trilobiteontoast]

Hi, I don't think I've ever explained my situation so will try to do that a bit first. My ex dumped me shortly (a week or so) before we found out that I was pregnant, was a complete arse througout the pregnancy (I'm not going into details as it will make me sound bitter and I can't deal with constantly rehashing it, but included being threatening and generally shouting at me lots), refused to go to relationship counselling to try and resolve things, and has been living apart from us other than a few days after DD was born when he stayed at mine. He has had fairly regular contact with DD as I hoped she would have a relationship with her dad, even though I think he's an awful male role model so have been ambivalent about the whole thing (a lot of my friends thought I should not tell him about the pregnancy and not let him come to register the birth after how he'd behaved [emotionally abusive and controlling, they reckon], but stupidly I did anyway). He has been ok at parenting DD, though sometimes has unrealistic expectations (e.g. that she actually understands that she's not supposed to do something or is 'attention seeking': she's 10 months old!). We're now about to embark on mediation to get a more formal contact agreement and I'm hoping an arrangement to sort out more equitable housing/finance (he's living and entertaining his 19-year-old girlfriend [he's 36] in a quarter of a million pound flat in a nice area of our town; DD is living with me in an ex-council towerblock next to drug addicts at extortionate rent which I actually can't afford to keep paying for as I'm on a PhD stipend and council will not help at all).

The situation on which I seek the wisdom of the internet, though, is this: he's offered to have DD overnight on Saturday so I can get some sleep (whether neighbours will also allow this by refraining from noisy parties is another matter, but it's the thought that counts...). Part of me is greeting this with the glee that comes from intense schadenfreude: we'll see if he's still so smug about being a part-time dad after a sleepless night. The other, less nasty, part however is terrified that it will be traumatic for DD as she is used to being with me 95% of the time, and always overnight. She is still partially breastfed and tends to feed (for comfort rather than nutrition I think, as not long feeds) frequently during the night. I am fine with him giving her formula if necessary, and I am not worried over one night about losing supply (should I be, though?), but I am worried she will be upset. I generally believe in a sort of semi-attachment-parenting type system, though I am not 'crunchy' enough to do the whole lot of it, so I am concerned about whether this will completely mess her up emotionally. Should I be, or not? I would really love to get a full night sleep for once (it's been over a year as didn't sleep well in pregnancy...), but not at the expense of DD's wellbeing. It would obviously be a different matter if he was a resident dad as she'd be more used to having him around at night, but she really isn't.

Argh. Help?

hi your situation very similar to mine, i was actualy seeking advice as my 4yr old daughter refuses tyo sleep at her dads house and unsure wether I should just forse her or accept this as her own choice. he has been absent from her life from about 18mnts to just recently 3 months or so.

We did go through mediation and to be honest It did not help us to come to a reasonable agreement on cantact, no mediation agrement is legaly binding...it did however help with opening the lines of communication we had lost over this 2 yr absence of his. and did alow me to talk without feeling ridiculed or controled so great in that sence I would give it cearfull consideration as its pricy and if you are not entitled to legal aid then you will have to pay and in my opinion not worth the cost.

My daughter breastfed untill a year old and she did not have any over night stays untill she was off the breast as I didnt think she was ready. I would consider stoping night feeds now though if I where you as she doesnt need milk for nourishment in the night. I just offered a sippy cup with water...hard work, she screamed 2 nights solid but soon stoped waking as it did break the habit. it made it much easier to give up the breast all together, that part was easy as she asked alot for 2 days but was easily redirected and spent alot of time out and about playing etc. after 2 days she seemed to even just forget the breast exsisted. Good luck.

You have to maintain an element of taking the lead with your ex partner very difficult as it can be frustrating and emotional but you have your daughters interest at heart. Its hard to accept that he may do things differently to you but that will come with time I would be concerned about sending her over night whilst she relies on the breast along with what you say his high expectations of her are. She wont be scared emotionaly at all but she may get upset. decide how much you need the break if it is esential as at times a break is then go for it, if not build it a little more over time for her through a routine, have him give her her eavening meal at his, then next time dinner and bath and have her pjs on to come home then maybe build an over night stay. Hope this helps, any advice for me would be apprectated...should I make her sleep or accept she does not have to??? X

For what it's worth, my immediate reaction to your post is that you probably won't sleep a wink anyway because you'll be worrying about her. So it will defeat the purpose.

If she does go stay with her Dad, I would send something that smells very strongly of you - a T-shirt you sleep in or have been for a run in, for example. This will serve to re-assure her as babies need to smell their Mothers and not being able to smell their Mums over a period of time causes them great distress.

I know what it's like when you're craving a decent, un-interrupted night's sleep but unfortunately once a pattern has been established where your body is used to waking up, it's very hard to break the habit. So don't expect too much.

Do you think your DD would settle at his home. Will he be able to get her to go to sleep and get back to sleep when she wakes during the night? Do you think he'll cope with that? Much as I'm sure you'd love to give him a taste of what you're experiencing, I'd be worried he'll get frustrated with her or just leave her to cry and shut the door.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I feel your pain about the sleep deprivation. My DD woke up every 3 hours for a BF (comfort feed really) until she was 18 months old and was still waking up a couple of times a night until 2 1/2. I think she thought it was her opportunity to have time with me as I was working full time.

Don't do it. You're setting a precedent that you may not be comfortable with in the future. I'm in a similar situation (though my birthfather much, much more part time than yours). I would wait until your dd can articulate for herself that she wants to stay with him overnight. She may well want to when she's 2 1/2. But unless she's been used to him being around at night from day one, now is not the time to introduce it.
Plus - are you really happy about this 19 year old girlfriend possibly co-sleeping with your dd?

I had this same issue, however came to the decision that Mum's do not have the monopoly on having children over-night and Fathers have a right to see their children, including over-night. It has to be whats best and fair for all you. If you don't do it soon, your DD will get to the point where it wil be too different and scary for them, when they can voice their own opinion.

The first night my DD went to his Dads, I did not sleep at all well for worry, but 2 years on, its great. DD loves to have a sleep over at his Dad's every fort-night and I get a little bit of me time. DD did go through a phase of not wanting to go, but I made him go. If they don't want to go to school - do we allow that to happen?

Without judging, are you using the breastfeeding at night as an excuse do you think because you are having a bit of difficulty letting go? I am amazed that you still let your 10 months old wake you up in the night for milk. They are more than capable of sleeping through without the need for milk.

I don't think you should do this yet. Your XP seems to have unrealistic expecatations of what a baby does, and you are still BFing to an extent. OVernight contact is something that needs to be built up to by lots of regular agreed contact, not him coming and going as he pleases. As she gets older, if she sees her father regularly, she will get to the point of being able to say for herself when she's happy to visit overnight.
Remember, his 'rights' are not the issue, the 'rights' which take priority are those of DD, and while those do include the right to have a relationship with her father if possible, that doesn't mean she should have to suffer unnecessary separation from her mum when she's so little.