I feel ashamed and don't know what to do.

[poshsinglemum]

Most of the time I spend banging on about how proud I am of being a single mum but deep down I am ashamed and upset of the circumstances around dd's birth.

I only new dds dad for 6 months before I got pregnant. I did love him but it hindsight he wasn't that into me and I was a bit desperate to keep him. We had unprotected sex although I did take the morning afetr pill but it didn't work resulting in dd.

I nknow it sounds silly but I knew I was pregnnat straight away. I'm ashamed to admit but I thought that a pregnnacy would bring us sloser togethr . I can't believe I thought this as I am a supposedly intelligent girl who's got a degree etc.

I have to admit I also got pregnant as I was worried that my biological clock would let me down and I would be too old to have kids. I have so little faith in men that I thought I'd never find anyone else to start a family with.

I'm currently upset about the way I was unsupported during my pregnancy and that he didn't want her. He put pressure on me to abort but I didn't as I loved her. Still do.

I'm ashamed that he buggered off to Iran (his mother's homeland) when I was 8 months pregnant and hasn';t returned. I don't want the connection with Iran.

I love dd to bits but I wished I'd had her with a different man, under different circumstances and at a different time. The timing has been a disatour for my career.

I feel like such a train wreck. Always have been.

Most of all I feel so sorry for dd with a mum like me who can;'t quite seem to sort her life out and without that strong sense of identity that having a dad brings.

TBH- I don't blame her dad for buggering off. I mean who in their right mind gets pregnant 6 months into a relationship. My best mate was pregnant after only being with her bloke for 1 month and I think I ''copied'' her. I'm not sure we are a good influence on each other. i am a total idiot.

How can I feel bettre about this? All I want is a normal family life but it just seems to be so difficult for me.

sorry typos

My pattern seems to be. Meet man,he's not that into me but instead of cutting my losses and moving on I cling on for dear life employing increasingly desperate measures to keep him such as pregnancy.

How old is your DD now? Is she of school age? That seems to be the time when many mothers' lives change - more structure for the DC, school will take 'em even if they're coldy....

In your last post, you sounded as though you were hinting of a new man, which had brought out all these ideas again. Is this why you're feeling so low?

Don't be sad. I'm sure you're a lovely Mum. Single parent families are so commonplace that I don't think your DD will hold it against you.

Some men are just weak. She will learn that with time.

BTW I got pregnant

OK, so the circumstances of your pregnancy weren't ideal, but ask yourself the following questions:

Do you love your DD?
Does she love you?
Are you providing everything that she needs?
Is her home life stable and safe?
Is she happy?
Is she well adjusted?
Are you happy?

If you answer positively to most of these, I don't see why you should be angry with yourself. So many children are brought up by two parents who don't care, who argue all the time, who cheat on each other and use the children to get at each other. You don't have any of that.

I think (AFAIK) that your daughter is very lucky to have a loving and supportive mum who would do anything for her. In years to come you will be her heroine, and you should be incredibly proud of what you are doing for her.

Don't be angry with yourself, you are doing a fine job and she knows it.

Thanks all. I do love dd and she has definately been the making of me. Mabe it took a child to make me realise that my relationships with men are a bit er strained.

I still wish I'd done it ''properly'' though. Still dreaming of that white wedding.

To answer your question loopyloops. Yeas to all on the list apart from the last one. I'm not happy. not 100%. I feel like a train wreck.

what loopy said.

Much the same here I'm afraid, except I married the man and had the wedding - seriously much more complicated, heartbreaking and expensive that way round.

Don't beat yourself up about stuff you can't change, focus on making her life as secure and stable as you can, and put her at the centre of future decisions about relationships.

Life doesn't always deal us the hand we want, we have to make the best of what we get.

You sound lovely by the way.

How old is she?

I agree with above posters. You sound like a lovely, sensitve, caring, worrying, intelligent normal mum!
Many (actually I would say most) babies are born out of a desire for life to change, to create your own family and love. Often this strong need exist because a woman isn't fulfilled or loved enough in previous life, childhood, or in a relationship. It isn't until the baby is here that we learn so much more! But the baby is here, and we love them more than life itself and for the vast majority of women life is enriched, and things move on!
I was similar to you in that I although I was considered intelligent, degree etc, I had deep emotional insecurity around relationships and love and made some decisions which were wrong for me in many ways. But the wrong man and wrong situation gave me my beautiful daughter which I can never regret or would never change. We were on our own for a few years, but then I met my wonderful husband and life is changing again. You just never know what is round the corner and rather than beating yourself up or calling yourself 'train wreck', be kind to yourself. None of us is perfect and no family is either. I think as a single parent you learn so so much and maybe now is the right time to get some counselling and work out why you are stuck in a negative pattern. Just love your little one, and look to the future! You have everything going for you! hugs.

things happen for a reason and you where ment to be a mum at this time. dont feel down or ashamed as you say you are onteligent and worthy of the love of your DD, and vice versa, you are her life and can put her the path she deserves and you for that matter. Quite frankly I was in my 30s when i fell preganat. did not not who fathered my DD but that didnt matter to me, i ended a 5yr relationship and met a man 2 wks later and had unprotected sex. I could have done the wrong thing and hedged my bets on either one bit I didnt I was honest to both, they did both turn out a waste of space I had dna test and now know my ex partner of 4 yrs was her father...he is useless though tbh. my daughter is 4 yrs old and has me as a positive role model, uncles male cousins and teachers. lets face it her father does not deserve to her your DD in his life and is better off where he is.

what you need to do is get past this guilt and feel pride for the person you have created and have a happy strong life together. I am still on my own part choice but also because i cant find any one lol!! not activly looking. You must not mourne the carear you may have or should have had...you will get this back when the time is right to start again. Are you working? as you need to experience this indipendace you have in a positive way and feel usefull again in life.

you can bring your daughter up alone millions of people do and make a success of it!!!! Im worried these negative self thoughts will damage the relationship you have with DD speak to your GP health visitor or seek counceling. you need to see your self for the beautifull mother you are capible of becoming...NO REGRETS!!!!!

read this www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article7096786.ece You are amazing and don't forget it !

Hi posh,

I became pregnant only a few months after I had sarted seeing ds' dad. A few months after ds was born, ex proposed and we got married. Everything, from beginning to end, was a huge mistake. It was never supposed to be a long-term relationship in the first place, I knew he was a ?sponger? and the sort of guy who was all talk but when it came down to it, there was only an empty shell. However, i was emotionally vulnerable and I chose to believe when he said how delighted he was to become a dad. Delighted he may have been at the idea of it but it came to taking responsibility and playing an active part, nothing ever happened. We divorced when ds was 3 as I gave up carrying him on my shoulders. He then moved to another town 3 hrs drive from where we are and has never supported me or been there for ds. I had to fight for over 4 years just to get maintenance payments from him through the CSA.

Since then, I have had two long-term relationships and both of them were huge mistakes and both times I got involved with people who weren?t suitable hoping to have the ?family life?, just like you wish for. It was true desperation. And even today, happily on my own, I do feel like an outcast at times: it?s the rugby tour where you find yourself having to share accommodation with other ?single? parents because the happy families need a place of their own, it?s the school quiz night when all the other couples have bought their tickets and I am the only one standing on my own or even worse: the school Valentines? Ball! So, all in all, I know how it feels and yes, it is awful.

However, I am very proud of everything I have achieved and the fact that I?ve done it single-handedly. I also do get reminded time and time again by friends that I must give myself credit for it. No, it doesn?t make up for not having the fairytale but then what is the fairytale? A friend of mine was ?happily? married for 15 years (3 children, dog, big house) when she suddenly found out that hubby had been seeing a 20 year old for six months and was leaving her and the children. She wasn?t a stay at home, yummy mummy who took it all for granted and that made the whole thing even more infuriating - and it really made me question the whole idea of fairness when it comes to life in general! It also taught me that the fairytale can easily ?crumble? and what you are left with is your own drive and determination to bring happiness to yours and your child's lives. And you seem to have plenty of that!!!

I can totally believe that you feel like a train wreck, that's called being a parent, let alone being one of those super hero ones, I mean single parents when I say super hero ones.

To feel ashamed of how you started is what you need to think about! Are you really ashamed of how you got your beautiful DD? Surely not.

Families begin in different ways and who's to say that yours is worthy of being ashamed of any more than anybody else's? We're all different and we all make different choices and I'll be so bold as to suggest that we all make mistakes too, (I'm not suggesting that you did but accepting that you may feel unhappy about how your family began) but it's what you do afterwards that is important.

You are looking after your DD and yourself and making a stable loving home for her. Please don't be ashamed of that, you should be bloody proud of yourself.
As other posters have said, you don't know what the future holds, and even if you did have the fairy tale beginning, it doesn't automatically mean a fairytale ending.

Let it go sweetie. It sounds (from your response to Loopy's post) as if you're doing a great job.

Just want to echo what's being said - and tell you are so much NOT alone.

Like many here, I was married - looking back I wish I hadn't. Would have been much easier had I not been.

Like you I'm educated, middle class - and someone who has in general tended to career from one crisis to another!

Met a man abroad - and looking back I can't believe that I was one of those 'stupid' women who are daft enough to try and prolong a holiday romance .... travelled back and forwards to his country for over six months (all at my expense!), packed in my well-paid job to go and live there, came back to the UK to sort out renting my flat - hadn't been feeling well and went to doctor and was told I was going through the early menopause. At that point think I had a midlife crisis and went back and married him. In some ways biggest mistake of my life - in huge way not as during that time eg wedding etc, I somehow fell pregnant with twins.

He came over to UK but marriage lasted just over 14 months - and he was later deported. Was the marriage a mistake - you betcha BUT how can I call anything that resulted in my kids a mistake.

I wish they had come into the world in different circumstances, I wish they had a dad rather than what is really no more than a sperm donor .... but when all's done, there's all sorts of starts to life and all sorts of families ... All I know is I'm doing the best I can and being the best mother I can be to my kids - I may not be perfect but I'm good enough - and that, at the end of the day, is all any of us whatever our circumstances can do!

A sensitive and caring person will question whether she has done the right thing for her child. As long as you don't end up being paralysed by your doubts, those doubts will always alert you when you could be doing something better. Sooner or later, your DD will be old enough to suspect what you do for her, and what you feel for her, and your love will flower more widely.

You sound lovely, and I'm sure you're doing a great job.

I was a single Mum for 5 years with DD and I can relate to a lot of the things you're saying. It's not easy being in your position so give yourself some credit for the job you're doing.

I think you are doing fine. I knew my ex for 10 years before we got together and fell pregnant after 6 months (his insistence at unprotected sex and we both thought it was 'safe' time of the month). He didn't want Ds but came to the first scan and insisted we had a second private scan because of the odds of Downs. He then left before the 20 week scan.

He has had no involvement in ds's life other than registering him with me. He saw him once in hospital and said it would be a shame for me if he died but it might be for the best (ds was in NICU). He hid his income when the CSA went after him.

We don't speak but did do recently for the first time in five yrs. He called Ds (now a healthy 6 yr old) the "non-aborted foetus".

Doesn't stop me feeling guilty that Ds doesn't have a dad but does make me bloody proud of the job I've done so far.

You're doing fine. Stay away from men for a while though. Concentrate on something that will improve your and your daughter's life in the long run somehow.

I always enjoy your posts btw.

Hi all. Thanks for talking some sense into me.

I am in now way ashemed of dd or of being a single mum. I've always had the greatest repsect for single parents.

I'm just ashamed of getting into consistently sketchy circumstances.

I sent you a private message by the way. How long have we been able to send those? I only noticed it about a week ago. Very handy.

However having dd has made me see that I need stability in my life and has made me work towards that.

Posh, please don't feel ashamed and don't beat yourself up. I just wanted to say that because there is such a sadness which in your OP.

Things are very very hard on your own with a young child, I know from experience. It gets better as they get older! DS is 5 and has just started school and things are definitely starting to get easier, slowly but surely.

Similarly, and without trotting out the details, I feel bad for not finding a better Daddy for my kids. We've been split six years and still things are hard. But I know those feelings of guilt are bad, sabotaging feelings and not really logical! Fantastic article by JK Rowling, SkippyjonJones - thanks for pointing it out, it made me want to cry!