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Original poster

Mixed race DS and I'm dating

12 replies

Dominique07 · 08/10/2010 01:08

a White man.
I am White too.
DS's Dad is Black.

I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this, and if a mixed race child is likely to feel even more of an odd one out in the family, if younger siblings are all white and not like him?

I want to think through the issues he will face.

He currently sees his Dad every week, and hopefully will be able to have a mature conversation to work through any issues both with his Dad and I.

I will want to help DS protect his biracial identity, and yet, if we start a family I will want him to feel a part of it, belonging as much as any younger siblings he may have in the future.

I'm just thinking ahead to the future, and wondering if DS will/would feel uncomfortable walking with Mum, stepDad, and younger sibling and being the only non-white, and I really, really hope I can avoid that.

OP posts:
marcopront · 08/10/2010 02:08

How old is your son?

I don't really know what to say, but hope to be in the same situation as I have a mixed raced daughter.

How serious is the relationship at the moment?

gillybean2 · 08/10/2010 02:12

You seem to be over thinking quite a lot for someone who is 'dating'.

How old is your ds?

Your ds is part of your family, it just happens to be a blended family. Why would his racial identity affect that? It's up to you to love and support him and treat him as you would any other child you have. Perhaps by making him different you are forcing the issue in some way. It should simply be normal for him to be part of your family. Presumably there is no issues with your new partner making him feel different in some way because of this?

Protecting his biracial identity simply means giving him lots of good role models in life (both black and white) and ensuring he gets to spend good amounts of time with his dad. Both of you giving him the support and love he needs to grow up confident in himself and his identity.

I'm sure it must be a good thing to be thinking of these issues and planning ahead to ensure your ds is happy and confident. But at the end of the day it's about him feeling part of the family because he is part of the family. There's a fine line here between making sure he's aware of his identity and making him aware he is different and then having him worrying that there's something wrong or 'special' about being different.

It's more likely to be peer pressure that makes him feel different. Do you/he have any/many friends of a similar background or mixed race upbringing? If not maybe it's time to try finding some.

MaMoTTaT · 08/10/2010 03:00

blimey - I'm a lone parent with 3 mixed race DS's - I've been dating recently - all white men as it happens - it hadn't even crossed my mind that they could feel "different" should anything serious develop.

Original poster
Dominique07 · 08/10/2010 12:10

It's something DS's Dad is likely to comment on, and has made comments on in the past, even when we were together.

DS is 3.

I'm not really worrying - I'm just imagining the scenario.

I think this relationship could be something serious, we're talking about moving in together next year if possible.

OP posts:
MaMoTTaT · 08/10/2010 12:14

well it's because of what his dad has said - I hope his dad isn't going to date anything black women.............

kylesmybaby · 08/10/2010 12:20

i have a ds 8 and have a white partner who i have been with for just over a year.

its harder in my case as ds dad is a useless *anker!

before said partner it as always just ds and me. never dated anyone.

so the shock for my ds was not partners colour just the fact there was a partner at all.

he didn't take it well at first and tbh i probably didnt handle it the best but had no book to follow.

things are better now but ds still prefers it to be me and him.

to this affect i made the decision to have a termination a couple of months ago. ds really wasnt in a position to handle it at all. and at 40 it was a MASSIVE decision as i really want another child. partner has no children at all yet.

BeauticianNotMagician · 08/10/2010 12:20

My ds's are mixed race although very light.Since their dad i have dated all white men and am currently now.To be honest it is something that doesn't really cross my mind.Obviously if an issue were to arise then i would address it.

All i care about is how I and the ds's feel about any man that comes into our lives.I think these days there are so many mixed race families that children don't seem to notice.

Original poster
Dominique07 · 08/10/2010 16:07

Since you're asking why I would be worrying about this, I racked my brains and came up with an explanation.

I get told my my ex that mixed race children see themselves as black, similarly that DS wont want anything to do with me when he finds out how I left him (DS's Dad) and he will reject his white family and want to hang around with black and mixed race children and family. Also that, he (DS's Dad) will be telling DS how my family thought we were too young to have children and advised us to have an abortion.

Obviously, I do not belive his words to be fact, but I don't forget them. And he doesn't even know I am seeing someone, let alone what colour.

Anyway, you've all been very reassuring. Smile

OP posts:
MaMoTTaT · 08/10/2010 16:18

FWIW DS1 is now 10 - and he hangs around with mostly white kids - although it's a very mixed school in terms of race

I just asked DS1 (very randomly LOL) if he knew what I meant by race, he said yes and listed white, black, etc etc.

I asked him what he thought himself as and he said "both" - because I'm white and his dad is black.

And now he's explaining to me how his beset friend is white, but apparently not quite white Confused (he's definitely white the best friend LOL)

And now he's glued to Horrid Henry again Hmm

Original poster
Dominique07 · 08/10/2010 17:10

Ok, thanks, MaMoTTaT

OP posts:
pinkthechaffinch · 08/10/2010 19:56

Ds is 8 and very aware that he is the only light brown boy in our family (no contact with dad).

the other day he said that this made him the most important person in the family Hmm
I'm glad i've raised him to have such high self-esteem but am now wondering if it's gone too far!

My fiancee (been with us since ds was 4) was very conscious at first of people's Hmmglances when we were out and about (we live in a predominantly white rural are) but this had the effect of making him protective of ds.

I think you're wise to be thinking about things now-it was certainly on my mind a lot when I was dating, and I brought the subject of ds into convos very early on to weed out any racists.

Good luck!

LadyFantastic · 08/10/2010 21:20

The most important person in the family! Fab. Grin Yes, maybe he doesn't need to think himself more important than everyone. (namechanged, Dominique07)

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