I hate being a single parent

[single1ds]

sorry, am having a bad day and just want to get it down. i should be getting used to it but i dont think i am anywhere near there. i am nowhere near that place where i can just feel happiness. the doctor says i am not depressed by suffering anxiety, but think i will have to go back anywhere; anyone else just feel detatched, like they are not part of anything, days go by and it is just routine, days goes by and no phonecalls etc everyone elses life is fast paced and we are missing out. that sounds utterley terrible i have so much to be grateful for, but this is how i feel and i just wish i could get past it.
rant over. x

We all feel it's groundhog day from time to time - well, ok regularly. And the fact is, it just is. Young children have a routine and can't do anything much for themselves therefore as LPs we have to do their routine for them.

Maybe it helps to explain my scintillating days-in-days-out with my ds (3yrs next month):

My days are this: DS usually wakes me up around 6 or 7, standing by my bed and slapping my face.

He needs a wee. I have to get up and take him for a wee. Then we go back to bed. He wants to play games and I am shattered. But we play games - tents, lions, etc.

Eventually after not long, we have to get up as no way am I going to get any more sleep anyway now he is awake.

We go downstairs and I do his cereals and milk. Then I MN for a bit/check emails while coffee is on.

Then I make his packed lunch. Sandwiches, breakaway bar, yoghurt, fruit all chopped up.

He has now finished his breakfast and got a fistful of apple so I rush upstairs and have a shower. When I am drying I get him to come upstairs, brush his teeth and then get him dressed. Then I get dressed. We come down and he watches more telly while I put slap on.

Then I pack his bag with extra pants, his lunch, spare clean trousers etc.

We walk to the CM.

I go off and clean houses for four hours earning 40 quid.

Come home and go straight to pick him up from CM.

We come home and i am knackered (am 46) so maybe then we do something (do a painting or get logs in) more often than not we don't. He watches a bit of telly or plays while I sit like a zombie and think about tea or call a friend/do housework or look at MN.

After about 2 hours I start getting his tea on. We light the fire together - he scrumples up newspaper and throws logs on with me.

Then its tea about 5 or 6. He has noodles/beans and toast/scrambled eggs/fish fingers.

While this is going on I might call a friend again as by now I am needing adult convo. Stir/microwave with one hand and talk with the other.

Then he eats his tea and I watch the news with him.

Then its the marathon bed-time routine after about an hour of play - he climbs all over me...just generally mucking about.

I run his bath, do poos and a wee, bath him and wash his hair. I get his PJs and stuff ready and come down and wash up while he is in the bath.

Then I go up and get him out. Dry him. Nightnappy on. Play a few silly games on the bed. Get him into his bed. Give him a book. He looks at it while I go downstairs and microwave his 'hot teddy.'

I go back upstairs and read him a couple of stories then its lights out. Kisses.

He will probably come into my room in the night..the alarm goes off at half seven but referring back to the top of this, he is awake and has slapped me awake way before that.

Yup. That's Groundhog day.

It is hard. But it's rewarding too. It is very much done alone. ]

Nobody can ever get totally used to it. Why and how are we meant to get used to it?

But I am very happy. So long as ds is smiling and having fun, I know I am doing my job and there aint much more I can do than that right now.

We are a special breed us lone parents. Explain to me your groundhog days single1ds I would love to hear about how you manage! xx

Hi, I loved your ground hog day story UA but just a thought about bath time (based on first hand experience of a tragedy), it might be better to remain with your little one when they're in the bath.

I agree, we are a special breed, us lone parents, and it's very difficult to explain to those, who are parenting as a duo, just how difficult it can be at times.

Pat on the back to all of us!

I hate it much of the time too.

Battles with the dc's over breakfast / teeth brushing.

Work in a quiet office where no one chats .

Collect kids, come home and battle no.2 for bedtime.

Hardly any adult conversation ever, just tantrums, squabbles, poo, wee, mess, computer screen at work, buying food, cbeebies etc ... .

We might get a few minutes a day when it's bearable.

I think I have a GU pud in the fridge though..

I think it gets easier when they get to school age. Your life will expand whether you want it to or not.

Ds is 6 now and I enjoy spending time with him. Can't say I really did before he was about 4. Now we can go anywhere and I don't have to worry about him getting too tired to walk, or what he will eat, or changing nappies or not having anyone really to talk to.

At 6 he is a real character. I talk to other adults when we are out because he will be talking to them first. We talk about all manner of things. Not adult stuff but certainly life stuff. He has a different perspective and an opinion on everything. He has interests that are different from mine which is a real change from when he was younger.

It can be incredibly demoralising though, especially if you've had a difficult day and feel fed up anyway. I will always feel guilty that ds doesn't have any contact with his father (his father's choice but I still wonder what it says about me that he chose it to be that way) and there are days it is incredibly hard.

No one to share the evening routine, helping with the homework, taking it in turns to attend school functions, taking him to his different weekend activites, cheering him on at rugby like the other dads do with their sons. I worry that when he is older just having me as his mum might not be enough.

The upside is that I know ds is a lovely caring little boy and will grow up to be a man who would never behave like his father.

All it takes is a bad day or a knock to set you right back. It's normal and you will feel better and more able to cope again at some point.

You will be fine, but it does take huge amounts of time. Far longer than you'd want or think it should. Don't worry about that, because it simply takes as long as it does and there will be set backs along the way.

Don't worry about being perfect, and if things slip for a day (or two or more) then that's how it is. Do whatever you need to to get through.
Just be the best mum you can be today, and know that tomorrow is another day.

It is groundhog day. Ill post mine for you. I liked unlikelyamazion's.

Alarm goes off at 6:30. Im either already awake working out what i need to do that day. Or DD is already awake and is in my bed.
I jump in the shower, come up, wake dd up if sshes not up already. Go downstairs, get breakfast, she eats that and watches tv while i read the news/emails/get dressed and ready.
I call her to come get ready, she gets dressed, do hair, get dog to wee, feed dog, crab things needed like lunch. race out the door every day at 8:15am saying ' hurry up we are late'

I drop her at nursery and go to work till 2:30pm. Race from work to pick her up from nursery. get home, take dog for a 45 min walk. This may involve dd having a snack before we go, or her scooter coming along, or bike, stopping for conkers, or looking at dducks.

Get in at about 4pm. get her a drink, the dog a drink and sit down for 10 mins. Do a bit of housework, phonecalls etc. Do tea.

Play with dd after tea for a short while, or watch tv together. Shower, hair wash, stories, songs then bed.

By this point its ususally 7:30pm. Ill spend an hour or so online, wash up and clear away while having a phone conversation, watch an hour of tv and fall into bed at about 10.

And thats it. If i have an errand or something to run, something else in the day has to give. Its a fine juggling act.

DD goes to her dads every other weekend. One weekend i will go out with friends or something, and one weekend i will do a major job round the house ( like last weekend, cleared out the garage)

Shes coming up for 5, and it has got easier as shes got older. Shes more fun to be with, can help out and, we can go off and do things together.

it does get easier the older your DC's get i promise you.

the older DS gets the more freedom i have outside the home. in recent years i have put more of myself into my career and i'm loving it. don't get me wrong, there are still the usual challenges. i'm off work with DS, who's not well. his school transport didn't turn up last week, so i was later than usual for work! i rarely have a proper lunch break as i'm usually making time up, and alot of my annual leave will be spent at home with a poorly boy. but at least i get adult company during the day.

it is still fucking depressing at times though. i would not become a single parent all over again; a decision which has cost DS any siblings so far, but i honestly think it would break me to do it all over again.

being a parent is the toughest job in the world, and we're doing it alone. being a single parent makes me feel very isolated at times, ok all of the time, and very vulnerable, physically financially and emotionally.

it's totally reasonable to feel totally disheartened, but it is so important to keep your spirits up, don;t let it beat you

do you have medication or a counsellor for your anxiety OP? been there too :(

google 'no more panic', it's a good website.

what worked for me was:
no caffeine, it heightens and triggers my anxiety.
making sure i properly relax every single day. i do that watching tv, that might sound sad but it allows me to chill.
i write lists of what i have to do, so that my mind is not constantly buzzing with all the stuff i have to remember.

let us know how you're doing, and if there's anything i can do to help just ask x

aw, this was good but hard to read as going thru a living-space seperation from babys dad at mo; she's 9 months and i couldnt live with him anymore,he's too sexist! and controlling ;should have been a 50's dad!im independant and from a family of strong opinionated women!

still trying to work things out; can we keep up a rel but not live tog and where/how is he gng to live nearby -or not etc

i feel awful wrenching them apart as she misses him and v v bt i needed a week to clear my head and see how we feel

its bloody hard work!! and i feel i get no me time but im determined that i will be ok with freinds and am hoping to build a network up from a baby group i run ; am also joining the NCT as a committee member; would suggest joining something even if just online to meet more ;join a community;
( www.gingerbread.co.uk?)and try 'parentsalready.com' a dating site !

have also considered a lodger who can help out with baby sometimes but need the room for guests at the mo...

...but i feel like im rushing around like a crazy person trying to do the work of two people at the mo; and am very irritable with freinds who visit who havent got kids and have absol NO IDEA of how it is for me; as their only concern is which programme to watch tonite or how does my shower work!

Hi All,

I'm single mum to a 13 year old and I've gone through 11 years of lone parenthood and am still here (just) to tell the tale.

I do remember those early days of nursery/school/lunchboxes etc., and remember how hard they were. But I have to say that they are just as hard now, but in a different way.

Now that my daughter's 13 I feel like the only time I have to myself is when she's out. This is the upside - they are independent at this age! They go out without you! The downside is that they don't go to bed at 7.30 anymore. Instead they sit there hogging the remote control, watching rubbish on television, with laptop on the go simultaneously, while talking drivel to their friends on the phone and listening to their MP3 players through one earphone that's stuck in their 'free' ear.

The hormonal years are proving to be difficult. My usually lovely girl turns into a raging monster: swearing, slamming doors, telling me she hates me, complaining about everything... And then I have a lull of a couple of weeks before she gets all menstrual again.

The thing that has got me down more than anything else about the whole lone parent thing (and I know this isn't automatically the case for all lone parents) is the constant financial worries I have. It is really impossible to make ends meet on my meagre salary. I'm actively looking for a second job, but can't find anything. The financial strain of being a lone parent without any support from her dad is awful. (He has NEVER paid - not in the whole 11 years).

I try very hard to live within our means (laptop, MP3 etc. were all gifts or from freecycle) but our means are very limited and I'm frequently in debt. I wake up at 4 a.m. worrying about money. Daughter has gone off to school today with 90p lunch money, which will get her hardly anything and I simply won't eat until tonight, when we'll eat pasta with tomato sauce. My child benefit wiill hit the bank after midnight tonight and I can pay the phone bill and buy some food. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy, but this lack of money does make me feel very alone and that life is a constant uphill struggle. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I think people who aren't on the bread line don't really understand what it's like. A lot of people assume you get this raft of benefits, but in truth it's not always the case.

I try to maintain a sense of humour about all this, but it's incredibly hard sometimes.

Oh my goodness woolyideas that does sound really hard, please don't wish you were dead! Are you def getting all the benefits you are entitled to? My dd is 4, I work 3 days a wk and we also het no financial support from her father. I can make ends meet just about through the tax credits I get but it does also help that Im in a council property so rent is much cheaper than if I were privately renting.

Re groundhog day yes can def relate to that
wake up 7am to dd singing
Roll out of bed 10mins later
bath (usually for both of us!)
breakfast
rush to get dd to school or breakfast club (on the days I work)
Rush to work
Work for 8 hours
Rush to pick dd up from cm
Home
Chat to dd about her day
read her a story from school (in her book bag)
make myself some tea while cbeebies goes on
Pjs on dd
bed for dd about 7ish
facebook and mumsnet for me!
washing up
hang out washing
maybe telly or phone a friend
bed at 10pm!!!

Altthough this doesn't depress me, I like our little life and can't imagine it any other way now XxX

Thanks girliefriend. I do get all the benefits I'm entitled to. I check regularly and would never feel ashamed of claiming anything and everything I'm entitled to:)

I do get tax credits: on my take home pay of £810/month I get £240 WTC and CTC. And I get child benefit. That's it.

I don't get help towards housing costs as I have a mortgage (£550 a month!) and so not eligible for housing benefit and 'earn too much' for council tax benefit. Unfortunately council tax benefit is only assessed on your income and not your outgoings. I'm not eligible for free school meals either, unfortunately, as at least I would know my daughter was being fed properly. I meet the 'earn under 16K criteria and the receiving CTC criteria, but rather bafflingly if you get WTC as well as CTC you aren't eligible.

My boiler broke down last winter and I'm entitled to a new one under the Warm Front grant. The surveyor came in April and told me the work would be done 'probably within 6 months', but no sign of it yet and winter is coming. Luckily I have an open fireplace in one room and a friend has lent me an electric radiator, but it's still going to be tough (and cold) until it's done. No hot water for washing up etc., no heating in bedrooms or bathroom. Luckily we have an electric shower so we don't smell too much

I don't want to be rich, but I would like to be able to pay my bills without having a total freak out and without having to constantly negotiate slightly later payments etc. and I'd like to be able to afford slightly more than £35/week for food/other household stuff. I've just had to phone my DD's school this morning. There's a school trip which costs a tenner (day out to a Science Fair) and I don't have the money. I feel like a beggar. I'm waiting for them to call me back and tell me whether they will waive the charge or not.

Blimey! I've gone on a real rant now! But it's good to vent now and again.

AT least I've got today off work and it's lovely and quiet at home!

Here's my groundhog day:

Wake up at 4 o clock and start worrying.
Write some of my novel (yes really!)
Get up at 5.45, shower etc., eat breakfast, make packed lunch (mine)
7 a.m. tell daughter she has to get up.
7.05 tell daughter to get up.
7.10 tell daughter to get up
7.15 tell daughter to get up
7.20 tell daughter to get up
7.25 tell daughter to get up
7.30 tell daughter to get up

7.30 leave house and drive to work - 16 miles away.
Work until 2.30.
Get home about 3.15. Peace and quiet. Write/go on internet/watch television while knitting. Basically, this is 'me time'!
4.00 - Daughter crashes in, slamming door and 'me time' comes to abrupt end.
4.00 - 7.00 housework/cooking dinner/laundry/helping with homework etc/chat to DD.
7.00 dinner.
7.30 try to wrestle laptop off DD so I can have a go. Or try to read while she watches crap TV with volume turned to max. Argue about TV volume/amount of TV she watches. Get told I'm 'so gay' or 'really lame' (or, if she's menstrual, 'an effing cow')
10.30 go to bed.

LOL Woollyideas!!! Oh god can't wait for the joys of living with a teenager!!! Re money I can relate, my dd started school this sept and I was really shocked to discover that alhough my income is less than £14000 a year she wouldn't get free school meals!!! Talk about penalising working single parents. Like I said the only reason Im not in debt is cause we are in a council place and the rent is £260 a month. Good luck with your novel - that is on my 'to do' list as well xX

Wow. I have never looked on the Lone Parent thread before, even though I have been a single parent since my son (3.8) was born. (His father and I split when I was pregnant and he contributes nothing financially and lives in a different city)
I totally get the groundhog day thing, but I feel that things have improved a lot since I started trying to add more variety to my life.
I am a writer, and after being a student when my son was a baby (because I could not feasibly return to my pre-baby job) I went self employed. He goes to nursery 2 days a week, and I write. I live on tax credits, and am as poor as on income support, but the two day ALONE have just about kept me sane, and given me back my sense of self.
Now I am looking for a " real job" and kind of panicking at the thought of no more time to write, but I am just really needing the extra £30 a week or whatever.
I do think that certain thing matter:

1. Talk to married friends. The grass is always greener, and most women I know with husbands seem to find them really annoying!
2. Have your own thing, wether it's the gym, a night out, going to the pictures on your own. Get family to help as much as you can. Make friends with people with little kids so you have emergency back up.
3. Do go out. Join a dating website (I recently did and met a nice guy who is also single parent. Prob not love of my life, but the attention sure is nice!) Enjoy these years (honestly) It's not all drudgery. Play daft imaginary games with your DC. Laugh at their jokes. Run down hills with them and argue over who gets to be Ben 10.. You are the boss: make your own rules. ;)

I love the advice about 'talk to married friends'! It puts me in mind of a saying that 'the grass is always greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bllsht!'

There IS a plus side to being a lone parent, I guess. In my case, as DD's dad lives in another country I don't have someone interfering with decisions I make. (He was the sort of man who would tell DD not to hold the handrail when we were walking along a pier because it was 'dirty' and wouldn't let her play on the beach in just a pair of knickers when she was two years old because it was 'shameful'!)

Hey, there are three people on here who are writers or aspiring writers. How great is that?