Feel really down

[SingleMumAndProud]

Sorry, I just need to let this all out. It might be long.

I split with my husband 3 months ago. I had off days but on the whole I felt very happy and felt like a weight had been lifted by not having the stress of it all.

I guess I was very busy, had lots of visitors (probably just checking up on me!) and I suppose I didn't really have the time to think about it.

I didn't talk to anybody really, just a brief conversation when family asked but then changed the subject.

Anyway, the last week, I have suddenly gone down. I feel shit. I have spent the whole evening crying. I found myself snooping around DH to see what he was up to (And did not like what I found!).

I feel like I am so mentally drained at the moment, I have an 18 month old and a 2.5 year old. They are lovely and I am lucky enough that I rarely struggle with the kids, I worked in childcare and don't really have problems there. But I just feel like I have no life, other than being Mum. I have lost contact with every single friend I had of my own (became friends with all DHs friends, and its not really the same, don't feel like I could really ring them for a chat or go out.

DH lives miles away and works shifts, so there is no regular days I can have to myself. He doesn't see them much (once in 2 weeks if I am lucky, and thats often here as he doesn't have his own place).

I don't really know what my point is. I just can't stop feeling sad and I don't even know why?!!

I am worried I am depressed. And even more worried that maybe I have actually been depressed for a long time and haven't realised it. I can't remember feeling happy since being at school, other than the last couple of months, which I think now was probably me pretending to everybody that I was happy, and therefore convincing myself if that makes sense?

BUT the thought of going to the GP or HV with this feels me with dread. I have never been one to admit I am unhappy.

I don't want to talk to anybody I know. I have even deleted my facebook etc as I just can't bear the thought of speaking to any of them.

I feel shattered, yet can never sleep, the house needs cleaning, but I have no motivation, I have a million and one things to sort out, including important paperwork stuff that I NEED To do, I just can't find the energy to do it.

I am completely addicted to energy drinks and get withdrawal effects if I don't have them, and have even started taking pro plus with them as well.

I have probably just written so much that nobody will read it but I just needed to say it.

Another thing. I used to be so confident, I loved my body, my personality, would talk to anybody and would be bubbly all the time.

Now I hate my body, I can't ever thing of anything to talk about other than the kids and TBH when I go to toddler groups etc now I just sit in the corner not talking to anybody but my kids.

I tried a new hair do the other week. But found that because I hate my body so much, it hasn't helped because I don't feel good. I have put on a lot of weight, and have stretch marks everywhere. I am doing slimming world so that's something.

I also feel lazy, I just want to sit at the laptop all evening. I haven't been keeping great personal hygiene even, just because I can't be bothered.

if he lives 'miles away' where does he live? Why can't he take his kids there? Could he take them to his mother's or something?

if he HAS to be at yours, could you go and stop with a friend? chase up someone you know well and ask them if they fancy a night out (and will they put you up on their sofa?)

Tomorrow, first thing, have a bath or shower and put a bit of lipstick on. Choose your clothes tonight so they are ready to wear.

Just wanted to say I've read your post and it sounds like you are having a really tough time - it does sound like you might be depressed. I had antenatal depression with DD2 and I didn't want to go to my doc but I did and it was the best thing I ever did - really difficult but I got the help I needed. Don't be ashamed of how you feel but do go and see your doctor.
Hope things get better soon

You have been through a massive life change and on top of that you have two little ones to cope with, by the sounds of it single handed. Go and see your GP and tell him how you are feeling.

Many many women on here have been through exactly the same thing, I have, and it's no shame to admit that you are finding it hard.

From what you are describing you have the classic symptoms of someone who is depressed, but only your GP can say this for sure.

Don't under-estimate or feel that what you are feeling is unjustified. Keep posting there are lots of people on here who will listen and who completely emphasise [a big hug] x

Thank you, I am really glad to have had some replies

I will try and go to the GP asap, I think it will have to be next week now, although possibly tomorrow.

The trouble is, I don't know anybody locally, so I have to bring the kids everywhere with me, which means if I was sent to a councillor or something, I wouldn't know what to do with the kids?! If it was a one off, I could arrange family coming down or something, but they are all 2 hours away so couldn't make them come every week. There are no childminders locally who can take 2 under 5s for odd occasions, and DD2 is very scared of anybody who she doesn't know well.

Their Dad lives with his Mum, 2 hours away. He doesn't drive, and his Mum isn't keen on having the kids at hers. She is very strange about the whole thing TBH - her other grandchildren are there very regularly.

WOuld anybody will outlook express mind doing me a favour? I want to contact home start and would rather email, but I can't get the email address without outlook express, which won't work on my crappy laptop!

Would anybody mind clicking on the email link and copying and pasting the email address for me? Please? Sorry to ask, but I don't want to discuss this with anybody I know, so don't know who else to ask! The link for the contact page is here

Thanks in advance!

[email protected]

that will be.uk!! unless you in australia...

[email protected]

that is good to make the first step -also - after the intial relief etc - three months in it becomes the hard slog and you need supprot in getting to grips with new life. hard with two under fives.

THANK YOU!

Oops, I'm in Oz so was automatic

Aww poor you, you have had a time of it havent you?

A breakup is a lot like a bereavement, and the upset can hit you quite suddenly and often it seems out of nowhere!
There were times for me when I just sat and cried and cried, even 3 or 4 months after it all happened and just couldnt stop, and the same has happened in recent weeks after the bereavements I have had this year.

Its very hard as well when you are getting no break at all. Its the world apart from having a DP who works long hours, or even works away to suddenly not having someone who comes home at all, and meens you can never switch off.

Hope you get on ok, I would try and book your appointment as soon as you can

I went to gp for advice even before I split from ex. Luckily I got a sympathetic one. If yours is not sympathetic try a different one. It is completely understandable that you are depressed. I was pointed towards the womens counselling network (voluntary) and they were able to assess and see me much sooner than the counsellor at my g.p. practice would have. The counsellor was quite good, just listening really, but that's what they do. I saw her for six weeks. It helped me find the strength to leave my abusive ex. Look for other mothers in a similar situation locally. IT WILL GET BETTER.