Single mum struggling to get ex out from under her feet without compromising their children's contact with him. Any ideas?

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A work colleague has been divorced from her husband for three or four years. He is originally from overseas so, for a while, returned there, during which time there was little contact with their children (aged 4 and 6). He has since been back, they have tried to reconcile but to no avail, and so now they're in a kind of limbo with regard to his living situation and contact with the children, which is getting her down.

He is a student at the moment, so can't afford more than to rent a room. The children can't come and stay overnight where he's lodging (and she doesn't think he'd want them overnight anyway, as they'd be 'hard work'). He is paying her next to no maintenance (presumably because he's a student). So, in order to see the children, he frequently visits and stays over at her home.

From what she has said, she feels suffocated by him constantly being around, and is caught in a difficult position whereby if she didn't let him come to visit/stay, he probably wouldn't see much of the children (which she wouldn't want for their sakes), but by him visiting/staying, he's forever under her feet, there are no boundaries or closure on the relationship, it's potentially confusing for the kids, and she's getting very little time to herself. Also, he is eating her food and making himself quite at home, which I think she feels resentful about because she's paying for it all and he's contributing next to nothing.

What options has she got for moving their contact arrangement on without it meaning the kids don't see much of their dad any more? I've suggested he lodges somewhere where children are welcome (a friend's ex does this) - but she can't make him, can she?

Grateful for any ideas. Thanks.

does she work??

Yes. Part-time where I work. That's how I know her. And because I'm a lone parent too, and have a pretty good residency/contact set-up with my ex now (finally!), she was opening up and asking for advice.

Crikey- my good friend could have written this, about ten years ago! Her ex not only expected his meals when he came round to see their DD, but actually dictated to her what to cook- more steak, effectively- and tried to dress it up as "DD needs more protein". He contributed next to nothing because he "couldn't afford it" (he was a student too, still is in fact, will be for the rest of his life) but managed a fortnight's holiday in New Zealand. He brought his washing too, the chancing git. But I digress.

Unless he's living in a different town far away, I'm afraid I don't understand why he needs to stay over. Why can't he just come for the day, maybe even take the kids out somewhere, then push off back home? Doesn't sound like he'd want the "hard work" of bathing them and putting them to bed anyway, so I really don't get why he needs to be there overnight. I think she should just tell him he's taking the piss and set some boundaries, as my friend eventually did- FWIW, they have a much better relationship now.

Thanks, Fetchez. He is taking the piss, isn't he? Good point that if he wouldn't want the 'hard work' of bath- and bedtime at his place, there's no need for him to be there at this time at her place.

I do appreciate her concern though that the children will likely see less of their dad this way. But that's not her responsibility, is it? She isn't saying he can't see them; just that she needs her life and space to move on, which is more than reasonable. His living/studying/working arrangements are his responsibility and choice, and it's up to him to make them work around his children as much as he can. If he doesn't end up seeing them as much, that will be down to him and not because of her being obstructive (which she doesn't appear to be).

Thanks.

Bump ...

I can't help feeling that this man is deliberately using seeing the kids as a way of keeping his feet under the table. It is sad because I suspect that, if he stops getting free meals and waitress service, he may stop seeing the children as much.
Maybe it needs pointing out though, that whenever she stops making his life so easy, is likely to be when he stops seeing them so much. I think it's pretty likely that there will always be an excuse as to why he can't actually take responsibility for them. If this is the case it's actually fairer on the kids that they get used to this, rather than it being a nasty shock for them later on.
Of course, I could be being completely unfair and he could get qualified, get a job and suddenly become Superdad...

Men very quickly realise that most women put their children first and before their own needs & will therefore put up with a lot in order to facilitate their childrens' relationship with the absent Father. And they use that to their advantage. Which is exactly what this guy is doing.

From my own experience, if a woman is putting herself out and basically doing all the running in order to facilitate / fund access, the long-term prospects aren't good.

This guy already left the UK and returned home, when he had small children here. What does that tell you.

So it sounds like he's using his ex now to have a nice home to hang out in, nice food etc. All the benefits but without the responsibility. He knows he holds the trump card because if your friend tries to change the situation, he'll say he can't see the kids. FairlyLightsForever sums it up perfectly in her post.

As a starting point, could she start introducing some boundaries. Say they agree one or two afternoons per week where he comes to her home to see the kids but she goes out herself at that time and meets a friend for coffee or goes to the gym, nail salon. Whatever.

That way she's not on hand to help him with the kids or to cook for him etc. She could make sure to feed the kids before he arrives.

And then when she returns, he goes back to his own place.

She can make it clear that this is a temporary measure until he has his own place & can have the children there.