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Ex P displaying familiar pattern of abuse with DS

7 replies

Bettiboo · 05/10/2010 22:29

My son rang me from his dads to say he was being punished for calling his dad a 'dickhead' when they last spoke over a week ago on the phone. I told him (through gritted teeth) that he had to accept his punishment. We had a bit of a chat and when I said I had to go he said don't go mummy, dad has only said hello to me since he picked me up from school. I recognise ExP behaviour but not sure if DS is being honest, so not really sure if it was the case. It worries me so much that ExP is doing the same to DS that he did to me - the old favourite was withdrawing love when things didn't quite go his way. I think my DS's self esteem is suffering terribly due to ExP emotionally abusive ways but so stuck about how to manage it.

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laurenamium · 05/10/2010 23:21

How old is DS?

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ShirleyKnot · 05/10/2010 23:22

NO

FFS, NO. Is DS with you now?

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mumonthenet · 05/10/2010 23:25

How old is your son betti?

I think that you should take him seriously unless you really think he's making this up. And if you recognise this behaviour of your exP it's quite likely he using it on your DS. Poor kid.

I really don't know what to suggest, can you just go get your ds?

Why did ds call exP a dickhead? - maybe not a wise choice of words.

Hopefully others will be along with some better advice.

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readywithwellies · 05/10/2010 23:26

Calling your dad a dickhead is not on and if he has done that, a punishment is OK. Withdrawing attention as a punishment seems fair to me.
I know you can see more in it. I don't know him. My exP withdrew love and sulked, although calling it abusive would be a little extreme.
What would you suggest ExP do instead?
If you really think your DS is emotionally suffering then get legal advice and protect him as far as legally possible and practical. At least if ds is then affected you know you did the best for him.

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laurenamium · 05/10/2010 23:53

completely agree with wellies

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Bettiboo · 06/10/2010 18:30

Absolutely calling a dickhead is not on but I suspect he called him that because his dad calls him names. Although I can't be 100% sure if that's the case because only have my DS word for it - he does have an active imagination but also seen the two of them together and knowing exP as I do, it wouldn't surprise me. I don't think it's appropriate to punish an 8 year old over a week after the event, although I do appreciate that he didn't see his son for over a week since the event but still don't think it's useful to punish so long after. Withdrawing attention a week after the event??? Actually I don't think withdrawing attention as a punishment is ever acceptable except if it's at the time of an incident that helped to deter a behaviour. In my opinion withdrawing 'love' from a child is absolutely abusive and find it hard to rationalise in what context you would find it acceptable. Withdrawing attention from bad behaviour is quite different to withdrawing love. I'm interested in the legal advice bit but feel that's extreme. I wish we could sort it out like adults but unfortunately not in a position to communicate this.

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readywithwellies · 06/10/2010 21:40

Hi Betti,
You have some choices:
You could get some legal advice
You could email exp and ask for his side of the story and ask him to explain without laying blame
You could suggest discipline techniques for you both to use and agree upon.
However, with any of these, you open yourself up to have him ask the same of you.

My opinion - get the legal advice, first appointment will be free so get the info and then go from there.