Why do I feel like I'm doing such a bad job as a LP??

[mummytowillow]

I'm feeling pretty fed up with myself at the moment?

DD is 3 is an absolute delight most of the time, but when she has a meltdown she has a major one! This has been recently witnessed by two of my closest friends and I feel embarrassed with how I handled it?

DD goes to my parents two days a week, with me all day on one and nursery for two days, she no longer sleeps in the day and is absolutely shattered when she gets home. She is a very poor eater, so thats a battle, she is usually good at going to bed.

So these are the two scenarios, comes to bedtime and she doesn't want to go, she has a complete tantrum and refuses to put PJ's on, wedges herself in between her bed and wall and I literally couldn't do anything with her, my friend is watching all this and I'm nearly in tears. DD starts kicking out at me as I try to put her PJ's on, friend said she would smack her for that, I don't smack her, never have. We both literally had to force her to have her PJ's on and she was hysterical, I left her in her bedroom and she cried herself to sleep?

Last night, we both went for a sleepover at my other friends, friend takes her daughter and mine to bed all was going well until she decided she didn't want to go to sleep. She got herself in such a state, she was hysterical and seemed to be terrified of me , neither of us could do anything with her. She cried herself to sleep again. She gets so upset that she spits on the floor with temper! I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to do?

This friend says she runs rings around me and I give in to her, but I don't think I do?? She also believes in smacking? So what would you have done in this situation as both tantrums went on for at least half an hour? As soon as she starts she wants her Daddy, he lives 280 miles away and she never plays him up, just me??

I'm at my wits end with her tantrums, I'm starting a new full time job in three weeks and to be honest I'm dreading how she is going to be, I didn't want to go back FT but needed to get a job closer to home (1 hour drive at the mo, so needed to take it. I feel like I should be doing more to stop her but what?

Any suggestions please

Hi mummytowillow,
I have a just turned 3 dd too and she has tantrums and people have commented on her behaviour and actually said they were expecting to see her head turn around (some horror film reference I didn't get). I deal with each tantrum in the same way and they are getting fewer and fewer.

All dcs have tantrums, and all parents deal with it differently and your friend probably should have kept her opinions to herself or offered a little more constructive advice other that smacking the child. Is her child perfect?

You want advice - it isn't going to stop overnight. In this situation, I would suggest telling dd that she will be having her pjs on after dinner/tv programme/story/bath whatever you think (way before bed time). You can do this in a room other than her bedroom and say if you put your pjs on nicely you can do x (add activity she likes). If she starts to fuss, say sternly I am counting to 5, I want you to put your pjs on by 5 or x (add toy of the week or whatever you think she will miss) will be taken away. If she doesn't do what you want, take the toy. Leave her until she has calmed down. Then go through the process again, she will soon learn to comply.
My dd complies now 9/10 times on the first count to 5 and if not, I always follow through. Just don't make the mistake of threatening something you won't follow through with.
Bed time - decide on a routine, start it and stick to it, regardless of tantrum. If she starts, say Mummy will come back when you are calm. Tantrums are caused by frustration or a want of attention, so by ignoring her it will fizzle out.
Good luck xx

I am a lone parent of 2 girls who are 3 and 4. The eldest goes to bed perfectly, but the youngest refuses quite often and will have a major tantrum. My reason for telling you this is that I have treated them both in exactly the same way and they are very different, so I wouldn't say that it because of something you do!
What time does she go to bed? Is she tired and ready for bed? I have found out that my youngest needs less sleep than her sister and probably really needs a later bedtime and she acts up as she is just not ready for bed yet. Both the examples you give are when someone else was there could she have just thought it was more exciting to stay up?

Hi mummytowillow, both posts contain really good advice. I know it's embarassing when your child has a tantrum in front of friends and you feel you've handled it badly but, let's face it, most 2 and 3 year olds have had tantrums and it takes a while before we learn the best ways to cope with them.

Your friend who suggested smacking could probably do with a smack herself!!, if that's the extent of her advice. And it's totally unhelpful to comment that the child is running rings around you.

You mentioned about your DD being a poor eater. I think the majority of 3 year olds are poor eaters and, as my GP advised me, "no child has ever starved themselves" so it's not worth a big battle.

Can I ask if she goes to bed any easier on the day she's with you all day, or is there no real pattern?

I think readywithwellies suggestion aobut putting PJs on well in advance of bed time is a good one. She'll know that she still has some time before she has to physically get into bed and there's the promise of a nice activity also. I used to always get into bed with my DD and we'd read a story so that was hers and my "quiet time" before she went to sleep.

Good luck.

GREAT advice from readywithwellies.

Smacking her? What a blindly stupid idea

When my ds (nearly 3) throws the tantrum kicking thing, I just walk away. Nicely.

I have also, as wellies suggests, started putting his PJs on a bit early, promise him something (banana, treat, the rest of Ice Age..the trick being he usually forgets)if he is good.

Put him in his bed with light on and give him a book to look at while I tidy the bathroom or anywhere (he says 'are you tidying mummy? - he knows it's part of the routine) then I come back and read him a story.

THEN I do his 'Hot Teddy.

He has a microwaveable teddy which i got in a charity shop and he loves it. I microwave it for 1 minute 40 then walk slowly but creakily up the stairs and give it to him,

kisses.Lights out.

But nothing will always work.

i think its Distraction Distraction Distraction and lots of humouring. If he is kicking, play a game back. Diffuse his tension.

But then god, its so knackering and horrid if someone is there witnessing.

Your friend should have said 'go downstairs and get a glass of wine...I'll sort dd out. The little monkey' kind of thing.

Life as a LP is hard enough without getting a bit of backup from a mate.

Ditch your mate and change the locks

I dont say all that guff to wsay 'oo I am a good mum', just explaing what I do: walk away when he is being obnoxious, tell lots of jokes

I wouldnt want to go to bed either, if friends were there...
how is she if its just the two of you?

could you ask your friends over after she is asleep?

only read the OP so sorry if im repeating.

hello all sounds very familiar, Im wondering if you are working full-time or nearly fulltime if she is just feeling cross with you thats her way of showing it. I work 3 long days a week and I know on these days dd (4) will often play me up at bedtime. My advice would be to look at your evening routine, make sure it includes you spending some one on one playtime with her where she gets your full attention (even if its just 20mins or so) make sure the evening follows the same pattern every night ie we do bath, pjs, a bit of shaun the sheep, drink of milk or yogurt, teeth, story and bed. Also I found that when dd started being able to put her own pjs on that became one less battle as she like most girls is very independent!!! Hope the next bedtime is a peaceful one

mtw - lots of good advice above.

Routines are great for us at bedtime, whatever routine works for the 2 of you, although my chn do have tantrums at times . I think it's in their nature and I have fond memories of marching out of the supermarket while wrestling my DS as he screamed blue murder - always a great time for an audience...

I was a lone parent previously and it can be really tough especially when working and doing all the running around. Tiring hardly covers it - I used to feel I was doing a crap job sometimes and lo and behold, now I am no longer a LP I still think I'm doing a crap job at least a lot of the time...

Good luck - if you feel it's ALL the time, keeping a 'log' can sometimes help. If I was really disheartenned I used to note down on the calendar smiley days / bedtimes and the not so smiley ones (just for me, so I could see it wasn't all doom and gloom - not as a reward chart thing. Sometimes the number of smiles were suprising and very reassuring.

Good Luck with your dd.