Could he get custody - anyone know how risky this is?

[AisieSusie]

Am having horrible trouble with dh and I have to start thinking abut the possibility that we may split up. We have a 7 month old ds and a friend has just told me she thinks I am laying myself open to dh getting custody and me having to pay HIM maintenance... if he decides to be horrible - so am panicking a bit.

have posted in legal & lone parents as not sure where is the best place..

here's the situation [bit long as not sure whats relevant to this]:

dh is not british, and has a visa for the uk based on our marriage [discretionary leave to remain, not a spousal visa]. He is from a war torn country, and this is part of the problem actually, as he is totally f*cked up from this.

Anyway, we've been married 6 years, he didn;t have a right to work for the first 3 years, and then he got a visa so could work, but only ever did cash in hand work [so no records]. I have paid for everything, solicitors bills, rent, living, everything. I have a skilled professional job and have worked my way up over the last 6 years so am a high level. So huge difference in earning potential. I work like hell and am consantly knackered trying to hold everything together. I have been waiting for dh to get his head together and start working, but he hasn;t. I have paid for councelling etc to try and sort things out, but he is barely functioning. And he blames me for everything and is really nasty alot of the time.

So got pregnant accidentally [which was a blessing for me as I desperately wanted children, but he kept putting it off to wait until he'd got a job / made something of himself etc]. He freaked out, left me, said & did some pretty horrible things. The moved back in but things have been horrible ever since, and he moved out again last month.

So heres the problem, I am in huge debt from supporting dh all these years, but debt in my name only. I have to go back to work to pay them off, and to pay for rent etc even though i really want to stay with my baby. I am not very well either [spd], and am really struggling with going back to work. I am very depressed and after having read alot of mumsnet posts, I think I would say dh is being very abusive, although because he's screwed up, not because he's evil [but same effect though].

I cannot afford any childcare, but have too high wages to get any state help if any kind [all spent on debts].

This means dh is going to look after ds in the day. It will be a year before i can pay back debts and afford a nursery.

Here's the worry - my friend reckons that he could get full custody in this situation, and even get money from me to support him... is this true???

He now pays his own rent for a room [probably no paper trail though], we have a joint account but i only pay in £200 a month [not enough to be seen to be paying for him]. However, all bills & rent are in both our names, but I pay from my account. If I take him off the bills, I may risk his right to stay in the country, and don;t want to do this unless things really have broken down irrevocably, and even then if it was amicable, I'd want to thoroughly research whether he'd be able to stay on other grounds before I did something so drastic [if not for dh, for ds, as he'd not be able to meet his dad if dh had to go back to this particular country, too dangerous to visit and virtually impossible for dh to leave again if he went back]. So had been trying to be responsible and 'adult' about the whole thing, but am scared this leaves me open to losing my baby to him - my baby is he only thing worth living for at the moment, and i am doing everything for him, so I just cannot cannot cannot run the risk of losing him.

soooo - based on all this, should I be worried?

Does he WANT custody?

ah yes, good question... until a couple of days ago I would have said no. He regards looking after ds as a chore and as a thing thats stopping him from getting a job [disregarding the minor detail he didn;t get a job for the years before ds was born either]...

However, he had a horrible argument the other night and he told me he was going to take ds and I would never see him again. He said he would send ds back to live with his family [in a 3rd world war torn country].

He later apologised and said he would never do this, but am left very shaken up.

So, in answer to your question... no he wouldn;t want custody ... unless he was trying to destroy me, and then maybe he would just to hurt me.

might be worth your while talking to Womens' Aid about this, even though you don't technically fall into their normal category - they should have a fair bit of experience with these situations and be able to advise.

Been through divorce, finances and family courts over defined contact order, have read up so much on the subject overall.

My advice to you, stop working and look after your child yourself, sod the career, debts etc, do it straight away! No career, or money is worth loosing your child over, it is becoming an epidemic working mothers loosing their children to house husbands and having to finanally support them.

Yes you will be liable to loose residency of your child and to have to pay spoucal and child maintenance to your hubby/ex??!!

If you give up work and look after the child now, if he takes you to court you will have a history of being primary care giver and obviously not have to pay support to ex.

The law is there to protect the vounerable and your ex is vounerable, that was the contract you signed when you married him, be angry at yourself for taking him or or the law not him!

Time passes so quick it will be a blink of an eye and your child will be at school, you can rebuild your career and finances then, better that then your child be cared for by someone with issues from their disturbed country of origin!

I think there is a risk that he could get residence and you would be ordered to support him on the circs you describe. Who is actually the primary carer of your child at the moment? It might be worth extending maternity leave/taking career break to consolidate yourself as your child's primary carer.

It sounds a horrible and stressful situation, is there anyway you can try and talk things thru with him, at mediation or similar?

He has got a lot to lose if he loses his right to stay in the UK;l I don't think any court would agree to him taking your child back to war torn country even if he did end up with residence.

Spero, they won't let the child leave the uk without mothers agreement!

should have added as war torn country and also as ds will have links here, by the time it goes to court, nursery, nct mates, play groups, musical groups, baby yoga groups, aunts and uncles, grandparents etc, which I am sure op will make sure she has photo's of and paperwork for to prove to court it is in childs best interests to stay in uk as he has links here!

I agree, it would seem that the best thing to do is not to return to work. You will manage.

Don't give him any money either.

Have toy looked at what benefits you might be entitled to, eg. housing benefit?

(I'm not a lone parent btw)

Crap, I thought this couldn't possibly be true. This is awful. I know I was a fool to believe his promises and keep on paying for him, but I believe[d] in 'til death do us part', and loved him so much I wanted us to get through the tough times to build a life together. Now I realized the tough times are caused by him, and as long as I am with him I will have tough times, and I have to protect my child.

I know this doesn't help but can I have a small whine at the injustice - I sacrifice my money, physical and mental health for him, for stupid but nice motives, and all it does is allow him to screw to over if he wants?!

Unfortunately, I would have to declare myself bankrupt in order to write off debts, which would be pretty catastrophic. I have no family support and so would be at rock bottom, homeless and without any means to care for my son. I don't want to believe this is the best route, there must be another way surely?

I have cared for him for the last 7 months. I go back to work on Tuesday. I will be looking after him evenings and nights, dh from 9-6pm mon-fri.

After christmas was planning on trying to get every other friday off [so would take a 10% wage cut, still be able to pay debts living on a shoe string though].

What if I somehow found [borrowed/ begged from friends] money to get him into nursery 2 days a week after christmas, that means dh looks after him 3 days one week, 2 days the next - does that put me in a better situation?

Also, I don't think he'd file for divorce for quite a while, so if for example, he had been moved out for a year and I had only been paying the one set of bills & rent [on my flat], would that lessen his right to claim support? although he would go into a cash in hand kinda world so I wouldn't necessarily be able to prove he'd moved out...

and another though - what if I told the courts about his abuse [won't go into this here, but life with him has been pretty awful], would they make me pay for someone who was so damaging to me?

i read your other post, do not let this man have your child alone!

of course you can have a wine, have you had therapy for why you chose someone like your ex? Yes it is drastic, and it does seem very hard, try women's aid to talk it through with people who are experts in such cases!

If ds goes to nursery and your dh looks after him some of the time, and you go to work, if it goes to court your dh will get custody still.

why would you want you dh to look after ds if he has anger issues, do you not worry he will hurt ds!?

If you give up work, you will be liable for income support, housing benefit etc... you will be fine

yes they would make you pay for a man that was abusing you, he is not working and you took him on in marriage, the law is the law, if you work and earn more you pay... expecially if he is main care giver! courts will just keep you apart outside court but you will be in a room with judge and legal reps each! they don't seem to care really, the judge in my case always tells ex off, tells him i have the burdon of childrearing and he has to pay end of!

Sorry to harp on, just so I am clear...

why would he get custody still? if he's not looking after him in the evenings or through the night, and not living there? adding it up he'd be looking after him at my house [not his] for 24 hrs one week, 16 the next...

I don't really want him to look after ds at all, i just feel like I have no choice, but this potential custody thing is a big blow to me.

Maybe this is not actually a real concern, as the only way he'd want custody of ds is if he could give him to a relative to look after [all in his home country], and it seems clear that wouldn;t be allowed to happen. He would really not look after ds day in day out, hes making a big enough fuss over looking after him for a limited amount of time in the day.

This is all so pointless, I just dont know how much to be worried/ react... If I could get through to the dh I knew before, we could work this out amicably, as I think he's probably scared I will deny him access to ds, so is acting evilly driven by that fear, but I wouldn't do that.

Has anyone ever come to some kind of legal binding agreement out of court? can you create some kind of contract like that? If so I could offer him that before going down the panic route...

OK, let's just talk about your debts to begin with. Who are they with? Can they be paid in small installments? Call your local CAB for advice on this.

If you truly think he shouldn't be looking after your child, then you should be, or you should be finding someone qualified to do. Never compromise on the safety of your child.

Have you had a good look at the childcare available to you? Working tax credit should pay for some child care if going back to work really is the best thing for you.

Look at entitled to. If I were you I'd do a few searches - one for how things are at the moment, another for if you were to not return to work, another for if you return to work but he doesn't look after your son.

Can I just make sure, are you a UK citizen yourself?

Is he the kind of person who would go after custody just to spite you?

I have no idea what the likelihood of either of you getting custody is, but if it were me I would do everything in my power to ensure it were me, especially if you have concerns about his ability to look after your son.

I'm not the kind of person to advise jacking in work to go on benefits, but they are available to make sure this kind of situation doesn't arise. Unless your debts are large and have to be paid immediately (ie to bailiffs or loan sharks) then you should be able to sort all of this out very easily.

i wouldnt advise throwing your job in either!!

its residency these days,not custody. i'm sure a judge would demand a section 7 over this,if only to get to the bottom of the threatening to leave the country bit.....this would be the part to concern a judge. so if he keeps threatening this,get it as evidence!!

try posting on www.wikivorce.com....on the child residency forums.alot of people there can help

Right, I've just seen your other post.

You can't separate these two issues.

Sort the other one out first, today. Make sure everything is documented by the relevant authorities and DON'T let him into your home. He shouldn't be looking after DS unsupervised. There is so much help out there, please don't be afraid of asking for it.

With "D"H out of the house and not caring for DS, the financial side of this will fall into place relatively easily.

Where in the country are you? Does your health visitor know any of this?

I have also seen your other thread and it changes things rather dramatically. You MUST sort out the other thing - I retract my previous point about you not falling into the normal category of women who contact Women's Aid - you seriously need to phone them, asap and get as much advice as you can.

I think, given the other situation, you may not need to worry so much about your H getting residency - it would be pretty unlikely under the circumstances - but you do need to watch your own back in terms of being seen to protect your child, or SS might get interested.

the thing is she has no evidence of the other thing right now so he could get custody if she retuned to work and left him to care for their ds...

family court is all about the best interest of a child, if it went to court, and there was no evidence this is how law is:

mother happy to work and leave child with father... choice working mother leaving child with childminder... or working mother supporting all of family with wend contact aand father have residency during the week, who has been long term main day time carer, as lets face it, at 7 months to much older, they are asleep an hour after you get home from work all you get to do is the night time bath the child will know the day time carer better! they will send child to live with day time carer your oh/ex, hence why i said jack in the job right now!

Yes, it needs to be documented.

Agree - it HAS to be on record or yes, my point is invalidated. And you must stop allowing your H access and you cannot allow him to look after your DS during the day. Otherwise you are in a risky position in several ways.

Please, phone the relevant people asap and get it on record.

This is no time to be "nice" or "fair" to your H - he has crossed several lines, you have to stand up for your DS and your rights as his mother and protector and you have to do it NOW.

Totally agree.

He has issues that could seriously impair his ability to look after DS properly, so don't let him.

I agree, you need specialist advice.

First, have you looked at ways of managing your debts, whereby you only pay a tiny amount for each debt? You don't have to actually go bankrupt.

You say you are renting your home - why do you think you'd be homeless if you went bankrupt?

I would not let this many be the primary carer for my child. I don't think he'd get custody, but I wouldn't take the risk.

Is there a nursery where you can leave him? (I appreciate this is very short notice.) Have you worked out how much you would have to pay, bearing in mind there are subsidies available.

Look at this website to see what you're entitled to.

Why don't you look up what would happen if you took a part time job, earning a lower figure?

Focus on this as though you were focusing on a job - you really need to take action.

Good luck x

2nd shineon's comment.

the issues with H aside are you getting any treatment for your own depression and SPD? for the latter i'm thinking along the lines of appropriate pain meds and obstetric phsyiotherapy. from my own experience the ongoing pain, when unmanaged, really did not help with my depression (appreciate different cause) or my ability to care from myself and dcs.