Help - how do I do this? Please.............................

[loulounz]

(Soon to be) xDH is coming at the weekend to visit the dd's and told me he is taking them out for the day - I didn't agree to this but he is basically calling me a liar and said I did! I feel really bullied!

I'm finding this really difficult. He never played an active role in dd's upbringing when he was still with me but now wants to be this wonderful caring dad! He has taken the 'p' the whole time he has been away from us - comes and visits when he pleases and for how long he pleases and I have let him do it. Now I am trying to establish a routine for my dd's as his comings and goings were seriously affecting them emotionally.

When he has visited in the past, it has always been in the house with me present. He sits on the sofa and lets them jump on him - that's it! and then voluntarily leaves after hour/hour and a half with them!

He told me he would take things slow with access and go at my pace - I've not had more than an hour away from my dd's ever, I just don't feel the need. Yes, they do drive me crazy at times and I need a break but it only takes time out in another room for a while for me to get over that -maybe I'm strange, but I love the company of my dd's and it is absolutely tearing me apart that I now have to share them with him and let him break such a strong bond just because he choses to be a selfish person who can't accept full-time responsibility in being a husband and father!

Why do I have to let him take them? I suggested he only have them for a couple of hours and take them to the park at the back of us, but no that's not good enough for him - he says that's not very exciting for HIM! My dd is always asking to go to the park because she loves it (but he doesn't know anything that she likes because of his inactive role!) He has never taken her there even though it is only out of the back gate!!

Please can anyone give me advice?

I know he is supposed to have contact - but why do they make all the effort when they walk out the door and only want to have the "nice" bits?!

I'm not sure how the dd's will react either (3 and 1) - they only spend an hour each time with him and then get bored because he does nothing with them. I don't want to suddenly throw them into spending a whole day with him - I just don't think that's fair to them? Or is it me being selfish and bitter still? What affects them affects me and I have to deal with the aftermath of his short uninspiring visits - the tears, the nightmares, the insecurities etc. the list is endless and all he can say is that "they will grow out of it!"

How do I get through this awful part of divorce? How can I get over wanting to be with my dd's 24/7 but having to let them be torn away from me just to spend time with him?

Any advice from people going through similiar or have got over this hurdle and come out the other side happier about the situation? I tear myself apart the week before he comes and I'm sure this is affecting the dd's - surely that's not in their best interests, but what can I do?

loulouz - hope you're ok. WHy can't he just start slowly with a small outing? Perhaps he just doesn't realise how demanding two small kids are? The park sounds fab - could you insist on this option to begin with?

If it was me I would want things legally set down... do you have that?

I wouldn't want someone coming in and out on their terms, being totally selfish (by the sound of it!). I'd get contact visits arranged, weekly/fortnightly, whatever and if he cares he'll stick to them!

On the sharing thing that is tough but unfortunately something you have to deal with. You are obviously their main carer, he can't compete with that, don't worry!

Of course I love my dd (17 months) but I also love it when she goes to her dads and I get some space so my situation and view is very different to yours!

loulounz - I have got potentially similar problem with my x, in that I am afraid he will not accept any sort of regular arrangement, but will expect to turn up as and when he feels like it (which will probably be often, but that isn't the point.)He is also ace at trying to make me feel guilty, so for example, if I want to go out for the evening, there is fat chance that he will have the children, he is more likely to shout at me for being a disgusting decadent person who doesn't love my children.

It is hard, but you have to accept that he has rights over the children, because they are his children too. So for example, if he wants to take them for a whole day, and you think the outing should be limited to 2 hours, then imo, its not worth getting worked up about. Better to give in over small things than get upset and have another row.

It basically comes down to how far you can push your dx towards cooperating with you. The first and most important thing is that he should give you advance warning of when he is coming, and approximately how long he intends to take them for.
Another helpful thing would be if you had a regular timetable for his visits.

I will shortly be coming up to these hurdles with my ex, and I am not at all confident that he will be cooperative. If he makes my life too difficult, then the last resort is that I will move a long way away from him, but obviously, I don't want to do that. It's not worth having high expectations and then getting angry when he behaves badly though

I think you should deal with this weekend first. A day outing is likely to be too much for them, so i would suggest a morning. If he overeacts to this compromise, suggest to bring them back for lunch at your house and see how the afternoon pans out, see how the children are feeling etc.
Whilst this is happening, try and do something with your time to help you focus and get through the ordeal. Brace yourself, it is not going to be an easy day.

Hi Loulounz

Hmmm... you're gonna have to take control of this situation, sounds like xDH is dictating the whole process.

I know it's really difficult to let someone who's hurting you see your vulnerabe side but you must let him know that WHAT he is doing is hurting both you and your dds. WHY it is unacceptable that he arrives just for 'good bits' with the dds and HOW, by putting some ground rules down you can move forward as the parents of your daughters.

Try explaining that you and your girls are now the family unit and if he wants to be included then all of you have to participate... if they go somewhere, you all go.

Also tell him he needs to arrange a pattern for being with the dds, just turning up on a whim does neither him nor the girls any favours - he looks inconsistent and the girls are confused.

Hope this message doesn't sound too bossy but I've been there with my 13y/o dd and imminently expecting a little boy who's daddy decided our relationship was 'going nowhere' when I was 4months pregnant... I'd be going out of my mind if I didn't put ground rules down!!!

Hope you find the inner strength you're gonna need for this, keep calm, a part-time dad is no threat to the bond you've got with the dds and how you're feeling about wanting to be with them 24/7 is totally natural considering you feel under threat and out of control.

my best wishes to you

New to mumsnet

Cabe x

Thanks for all your comments.

I am adamant that he starts off by only taking them out for the morning, but he is nasty to me when things don't go his way and just causes me more upset, but I want to stand my ground or he will continue to walk all over me.

I will be moving 4-5 hours away from him as soon as the house is sold to be closer to family as I have no support where I am, but he wants more contact with them then because of the distance and expects to pick them up fri pm, drive them 4 hours to his mothers (where he stays at the mo) and then drive them back up to me on the Sunday! No way - that's far too much for little ones every other weekend. He will fight me for this though I know he will - do you think a Court will rule against my wishes and grant him what he wants?

I love spending every moment with my dd's and I just feel that I'm the one to be punished, he gets to see his dd's, so he's happy, the dd's get to see him, so that's probably in their best interests, but then there's me who has to sacrifice precious time with them getting only 2 out of 4 weekends with them, just because he has chosen not to be with them full-time - where is the justice in that? It feels like men can do exactly what they want and still win!

At the minute I am lucky because they are at home all the time with me, but when the eldest starts school, it will be even more important to me to be able to spend my weekends with them. But that luxury is now taken away by a selfish w@nker! Why is this so shit?!

Is there anyone else who just doesn't want to have to give up precious time with their kids to their selfish partners? Or am I abnormal wanting to be with mine all the time?

I understand what you mean about not wanting to part from DD, I am the same.

If I was you, I would try to rationally explain that only reason you dont want him taking them out for the whole day is because he's never done it before and you are concerned about how he will cope. I honestly think that he's trying to run before he can walk anyway. He should take it slow at first, then gradually build it up bit by bit as he is obviously not used to spending time with them anyway.

I wouldnt worry too much about when you move away, jump that bridge when you come to it. But I really think that you should let him take them out just for the morning. See it as an opportunity to look after yourself for a change. You never know you might actually enjoy it!

Good luck and be strong. Let us know how you got on xx

Well, got over the first hurdle and survived! Allowed him to take them for four hours. Cried my eyes out and felt very lonely but tried to keep busy. The last 15 mins before they were due home seemed to be the worse - was clock watching and it seemed the longest 15 mins of my life!

He did bring them back on time and the dd's both flung their arms around me which was lovely.

They complained they were hungry and thirsty and littlest dd began crying. Both have big appetites - he had only fed them macdonalds chips(something I don't really do) - not even a beef burger, fruit etc. - eldest had a few sips of water from his adult bottle (not from her cup I'd packed them off with) and he'd not bothered to give little dd her bottle of milk or change her nappy (she cried because of a sore wet bum). But hey, they came back on time and alive! So I have to be grateful for that don't I!

Should I mention these things to him next time or do I just let it drop and hope he gets it right next time?

Both were unsettled at bedtime - which is usually the case with the eldest after his visits - she refused to go to bed, getting up and down most of the night, crying and playing me up and woke up several times during the night. Little dd also was unsettled during the night and she's usually a very good sleeper. Eldest gets better during the night the longer she hasn't seen him and then the whole upsetting process starts over!

I have two weeks before he comes again and I'm going to cherish every moment spent alone with my dd's.

hello loulounz, Glad it went well(ish) for everyone. How do you think he coped? Apart from the basic things like not feeding them enough and forgetting to change nappies (?) do you think he enjoyed their day? If anything you would think he would appreciate you more for doing it all the time, now he's had a taste of it himself. And why oh why do they always take them to McDonalds?