involving csa will make him more responsible?

[crissycross]

I split with dd's dad when she was a baby, after much aggro and not supporting her he finally does give me something each week.

He sees her most weekends. However whenever I've got something planned,work or social, and he says he's going to have her,he deliberately f*s it up at the last minute, as he has done tonight by being pissed at 5 pm when I rang to check if he was ok to have her this evening and tomorrow.

Do you think getting the csa involved will make him behave like a responsible person? I think no, my boyfriend thinks it will, I just can't see how the two things are linked, once a selfish tosser always a selfish tosser.

Anyone got any experience of this? Thanks.

In my experience, over the last 13 years, there is no connection between contact attitudes and paying child maintenance. I thought that by not asking for any financial input I might encourage him to behave responsibly and maintain regular contact.

Sadly there is no way to change attitudes or force a nrp to see child. If a parent feels that their social life, new family etc is more important than seeing child(ren) then there is nothing you can do to change it.

However you can ensure that they provide financial support for their child(ren). Though the CSA can be painfully slow,once the process starts you know that ultimately an assessment will be made....don't waste years of support by putting it off.....unless of course he is already paying a reasonable amount on a voluntary basis.
Most importantly, I feel, is that child remains as unaware of the problems as is possible.If possible then maintain their relationship with their dad's family. They soon grow up and make their own decisions...teenagers can form spot on insights without being dragged into battles between adults.

Definitely go through the CSA. I'm going through similar at the moment. 7 years of private arrangement with very little issue and all of a sudden a reduction in payment because I won't provide a breakdown of what I spend the money on. Of course, it's nothing to do with that at all. It's important that fathers pay towards their children and contact is a seperate issue. I'm afraid I spent years trying to get my ex to be a better dad but it just won't happen. I agree with the last response - children will make their own minds up when they're old enough.

Getting the CSA involved won't make him more responsible. That doesn't mean that it's a bad idea though. I found that getting the CSA to chase my ex for money made life much easier for me as it means I didn't have to do it. Sure, I had to chase the CSA to get them to do anything but it made the whole process much less personal and fraught.

As for him letting you down, the most simple way to avoid this is to not rely on him for anything important. So if you've got a work or social event planned then get a babysitter that you can rely on to look after DD. Negotiate a regular contact schedule between ex and DD and if he doesn't turn up then he doesn't turn up. Just make sure you always have a Plan B in case he doesn't turn up.

No, I don't think it will make him more responsible. If anything, it could aggravate things, especially as he is paying regularly now. There is no need to involve the CSA in child support matters if the NRP is paying. I hate to see it used as a weapon. The CSA can cause some real problems. If he stopped paying or messed about again, then completely understandable. But child support and contact shouldn't be related.

It didn't make mine more responsible, but he is an abusive tosser.

He pays the 'correct' amount of maintenance (20% for 2 dc's) but no longer sees them.

I suspect he thinks he's a great dad because he pays for them but refuses to get help with his anger issues .

I know a couple of people who said their XP's always paid but never saw the children.

I changed from private agreement to csa about two years ago, I have been thankfull not to have any problems with them I do realise how very luck I have been! They give me the money about a week or so after they get it from the ex! The only thing is he adjusted his income to pay less, you get to a point where they have done so many crappy things you just think oh another one!

It did not make him more responsible at all!

I'm always surprised when people say don't go through the CSA - if your ex is not paying the correct amount, then he should be. It's not a matter of you aggravating things - you're obliged to ask for the correct amount for your child's sake. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty or bad about doing it, although I doubt it will make him more responsible!

I changed from a private arrangement to going through the CSA last year. CSA had calculated payment previously which ex never honoured. Because I said I'd collect direct the CSA cannot collect arrears. Changed to get reassessment and get them to collect. Payment has gone up by 6.5 times and CSA have collected 11 months arrears.

Ex has no contact with ds. Used to worry me but during our most recent telephone call ex called ds the 'non-aborted foetus'. Made me remember what a fucker my ex is and how one day ds will have to deal with that fact too. In the meantime ds is being raised to be nothing like his father.

Should add that ex offered to continue private arrangement at less than half what the CSA calculated.