feeling like crap after dd sobbed herself to sleep crying ' I want a daddy' [sad]

[girliefriend]

just the above really, dd is 4yo, and although before we have had a few tears of the 'I want a daddy' variety tonight was awful, really really heartbreakingly sad. Her father has never had any contact, it wasn't a planned pregnancy and we hadn't really been in a relationship but I wanted my baby and love her so much. He knows she exsists but wrote to me shortly after she was born to say he had no interest in being a father and left me with a dud email address, I tracked him down once afterwards and since then he has done a complete vanishing act. He pays nothing.
I don't mind being a single parent, sometimes I enjoy the fact that I don't have to share my time with dd with anyone else but its just so hard explaining to a 4yo why she has't got a daddy. Anyone else in a similiar situation? What do you do?

You werent in a relationship, the pregnancy wasnt planned, but you wanted your baby? Do you mean you deliberately got pregnant in order to have the child you wanted?

um, that's not what I read into that message ladydeedy, because that isn't what that message says - why do you have such a chip on your shoulder?

What an awful thing to say ladydeedy! Unplanned pregnancies do happen (I should know) and besides, your comment was completely off topic and unhelpful.

Agree Colditz - I didn't read that at all.

I don't know what to say about dd - does she have any male role models in her life does she think she's missing out on time with a male?

speaking as someone with a child who doesn't have a father on the scene, I would advise that you empathise with your dd but don't encourage her IYSWIM. ie say, "yes it is sad isn't it that your daddy isn't here. not everyone has both a mummy and a daddy who are here. but mummy loves you and you and mummy have a good time together" etc etc - stuff that acknowledges that she is sad but also which plays up to the positives of having a lovely mummy. then leave it.

if you keep on about it or make it into a big deal, she will see that it is an emotional button to press. it should be somethign that is accepted, matter of fact, but not to be agonised over and made into a big drama. as her fatehr has never been around, she has to face a certain loss, which is a dawning realisation that she does not have what many of her friends do - but it's not the same as having had a loving father at home who suddenly isn't there any more.

hope this makes sense. keep it calm, loving and low key. not everyone has both parents in their life, but your dd is loved. that's what is important.

girliefriend - just wanted to offer you some support. My daughter has always known her father (sees him on Sundays) but used to cry for him and want to see him more often (he couldn't be arsed). It is gut wrenching, but it will pass.

You just have to tell her a gentle version of the truth and emphasise that none of this was her fault. Unfortunately, as she gets older she will meet loads of other children that don't have 'daddy' in their life and that may help her come to terms with it.

Of course, you may meet a wonderful man that can be the daddy her biological father couldn't be!
(Have I been reading too many Mills and Boon novels?)

Agree Pot Kettle the 2 year old I look after will often refer matter of factly to the fact he has a mummy but no daddy, but mummy loves me lots and lots. He is never told about daddy but sees that others have one and has just concluded that he doesn't, but why should he need one as he has a mummy.

Has she just started school and realised that others have daddy's ? My lad has no dad and I just emphasise the positive about our situation. I have always used the line that I wanted him so badly I couldn't wait to find him a good daddy. I do understand how bad it makes you feel though, its not your fault the other half of her genetic makeup is a twunt but trust me you will also get heartbreaking sob's when you say no to a puppy, or no top the park, if she knows its a soft spot they will take full advantage.

My lad is 5 and he is comfortable about no having a dad and often chats about school friends who have beem told off etc by Dad and I make sure I'm pushy enough that when the dads take his school friends to play football after school we gatecrash

Please don't let this upset you, we do a hard enough job, never getting a break and having total responsibility you do not need this extra stress

All good advice here - as she gets older you can tell her thingsalong the lines of 'some people are just no good at being daddies, it's not your fault and there isn't anything we can do about it, but mummy loves you very much'.
And do bear in mind that she will, in time, cry piteously over the fact that she can't grow wings and fly like a bird/have a pony/dig a hole in the garden that goes all the way to Australia.

Thanks guys (not ladydeedy, thats not helpful at all) I did try and emphasise the positive, 'you have a mummy and nanny that love you very much....' but it was particuarly awful last night for some reason, she was almost begging me to find her a daddy!!! Then she said 'can't you find a witch to do a magic spell to find my daddy' poor kid! If only it were than simple. She has just started school and I wondered if someone had said something to her, she has been quite clingy generally recently which ive put down to school. This morning however she was fine and casually mentioned over breakfast ' I don't know why I got so upset over my dad last night!' I just said 'its okay to feel sad, everyone feels sad sometimes'. Oh well probably a sign that I should be making for of an effort to find myself a decent man as well!!!!

Girliefriend: do be careful about looking for a 'new daddy' for her - if you want to date, date on your own account and keep your dates separate from your DD until you are reasonably sure that a bloke is worth keeping in your life for a while.
And don;t rush to grab hold of the bloke who is great with kids etc but who you don't actually fancy, just so DD can have a 'daddy', this is a recipe for disaster.

glad your dd was feeling better this morning.

does she know what to say if other children at school talk about their daddies and ask about hers? Or if they are doing a project on families in school? It might help to have a couple of phrases that you always say to her, so she knows what to say when daddies come up in conversation at school.

Other positives to consider are trip to the park after school, cos we don't need to rush home after school to make dinner, saying sod the housework and lets get the craft box out cos theres no one else to moan about the state of the house. The other side of your bed is her side.

I tend to keep checking my lad is ok about not having a Dad and these kind of points are always the ones he brings up as to why we are doing just fine on our own.

Please reconsider the idea of finding her a daddy. Be happy with the fact that you and her are a brilliant team and if someone should come along be certain that they would be a positive addition to your unit and would bring something good.

I was so proud last Father's Day when the teacher pulled me to oneside to say the J had told the class that he didn't need a dad cos his mum loved him so much she can easily do the job of two parents

ladydeedee- bog off. What planet are you on?

OP- it is sad but mabe explain that you are a mummy and a daddy until you find a man who will welcome you both. (If that's what you want.)

I have all this to come and there are some fabulous ideas here. Thanks all.

Good advice from SGB - don't be tempted to try and force a fit with someone because they're good father material or vice versa. Just make sure she knows how much you love her and wanted her. Does she have any uncles or older male family members who could spend a little time with her?

I find that most books, kids shows etc feature the 'perfect' family with a mummy and a daddy and 2 kids. My 2 year old whet through a bad spell of wanting a daddy but at the same time if she was upset and i suggested ringing/visiting daddy she got even more upset. I think sometimes kids just want what they percieve everyone has. I've encouraged my DD to watch and read stuff that features all different sorts of families - todd parr writes brilliant books that feature every kind of family and i figured out that gabrielle in high school musical only has a mum! This seems to be helping - someone asked her the other day if she was looking foward to daddy coming home from work and she said i only have a mummy but im special and loved :-)

Thanksyou, all good advice. I def wouldn't compromise when it came to finding a boyfriend just because dd is so desperate for a daddy, when she was about a yr old I was seeing a bloke for about 6 months who would have made a great father but just wasn't right for me so it ended. I don't actually mind bing single tbh! Like having my own space and not having to worry about someone else other than dd and me! However saying that of course if the right man came along it would be wonderful. I find that I can't say things like 'you haven't got a daddy or that I am a mummy and a daddy' because it doesn't feel quite right. I do find it confusing finding the right words to talk about it so that probably doesn't help!!! Will look at the Todd Parr books, we have got one book called 'have I got a daddy' which is good for broaching the subject.