Wracked with guilt - please advise!

[LifeIsButtercream]

Ok, back story - my marriage broke down a year ago, I've been living near my ex, and 300+ miles away from my family and support network. Ex sees DD once a week (he has her while I'm at work from 8-5). DD is 17months. Sometimes he will see her (with me) on his other days off, but doesn't have her overnight and often is 'busy' on his days off. When he left he moved in with his parents and has been there since.

I live in a small flat with DD, ex-h gives the minimum CSA recomended child support (despite living with no expenses and a decent wage) while I work part-time and rely on tax credits and struggle to make ends meet. Ex has plenty of money, and a car (that his parents tax and insure).

Recently my mum has been diagnosed with cancer, and I've been diagnosed with stress and depression and am struggling. I've decided to move back to where my family are from with DD to both support them and receive support - I can give DD and myself a better quality of life there. I'm yet to tell ex-h - but needless to say he wont be pleased. However I am prepared to do everything in my power to ensure fair access (he is welcome to stay at mine, I will do half the travel with DD when she is older - despite not having a car).

I've tried so hard to manage on my own while living conveniently placed for ex-h, but its making me ill, and I don't see why I should continue martyring myself for an arrangement that only suits him. Doesn't stop me feeling so guilty though - am I just being totally selfish?

I don't think you are being totally selfish - to be honest, if he wanted to be close to DD he could move down with you, and/or offer you more support/overnights so you could stay near him or spend time visiting your mum.

But it might be fair to make sure you work hard on maintaining his contact with dd. 300 miles is a very long way indeed - you can't do that as a day trip.

I will do everything in my power to ensure that he has good contact with DD - for his sake and hers because I want them to have a good relationship. Ex-H could have done lots more but values his lie-ins and 'rest time' too much and would rather do that than spend time with DD given half the chance.

I've managed day trips to visit him when I lived up north before - so it is do-able, hard work I admit - but do-able!

You poor lamb, it sounds like it's all a bit too much. I can't help but think that as the full time carer, you need to be also looking after yourself. This might not be forever but a temporary move for you to a place with more support networks will probably do you a power of good not to mention be good for your daughter.

Unfortunately it might not be the best situation for your ex or his parents but I really hope he can be unselfish enough to see that for you and your daughter's sake, you need a little propping up.

Wishing you all the best.

im in a similar situation, only recently split however, but have shared access with ex H, so kids with me one week and exH week after, ALL my family are other side of country. My mum is ill and as become almost housebound. Since we split my exH family dont speak at all to me (was behind sister in kaw in shop and she never even acknowledged me). I work part time and always have since having kids (12 years) but i am now finding it hard to make ends meet, I suffer with ME and i am currently off sick due to flare up.I want more than ever to move home, not only to supprt my mum but also for my own support, i cant however go!!!! because of kids ages they would have to be interviewed and asked where they want to live. i cant do that to them, also i promised exH i wouldnt take the kids, so i cant go..

there for i say GO!!!!!!!!! BEFORE its too late.

Good Luck with your decision, sometimes we cant please any one so we need to please ourselves.

I think it is important to separate out some issues here. If ex is paying amount as determined by CSA that is not "minimum" - it is 15% of his net pay. He is caring for the child one day a week whilst you go to work, so you benefit from that too. He is fortunate in his living arrangements and the fact that his parents house him and fund his car, but that is not something that has any bearing on you or the child that you both support.

Are you living where you live purely for his convenience, as you state? In any case, if you decide to remove yourself and your daughter so as to be closer to your family, then you are right to consider keeping lines of communication and access open to your ex. If the child lived with him and he moved such a long way away, how would you feel?
What if you meet a new partner? Would your ex still stay over at yours?
Just things to consider. I am not saying that you are selfish, but you have problems (depression) and family issues (ill parent) that are not uncommon for many people and it is important to try and keep those separate in your mind when deciding what to do in the best interests of the child.

I say MOVE!!! It is hard being a single mum and you need support. If i had the chance to replay my last 5 years I wish I had moved home instead of struggling for so long on my own, miles away from any friends and family.

it's funny on these threads, how when dads move away from the kids its ok, but when mums do it seems wrong/unfair? it strikes me as an obvious double standard. I think happy parents means happy kids generally. I am wondering if in fact kids and pwc are two different issues as one ultimately effects the other imo.

ladydeedy, you are right in that 15% of income is the csa amount for one child. however, if you took the pwc earnings you will find that he/she pays around 90-100% of their income is spent on bringing up children. just because the government set that amount, it does not make it right and now the rules of tax credits are changing and yet the CSA rules are not that only means the 15% is even more of a joke. therefore, i would agree that 15% is not just a minimum but a.......

belleshell- hi, sorry to hear that, I hope you are feeling better soon.

Buttercream, you are not being selfish. if you need support go and get it...hope you feel better soon too.

Thanks for your replies and sorry for the delay!

lady - I think I shouldn't have included the CSA thing in my post, it just annoys me that he has so much spare income, and gives so little while we really struggle, and then he BOASTS about things he has bought for himself. I should let it go.

And of course I will do anything in my power to ensure DD has ample access with ex-h, for her sake and his. I am not spitefull - but I have had enough of living in a situation which only really suits him, and where I'm the one who has to put all the effort in. I don't want my DD being bought up by a depressed, stressed and miserable mum, and thats what she has at the moment.

I can offer DD a better quality of life where my family live - with more support, more people enriching her life, family and friends, my parents have offered to help me rent a property with a garden (not the tiny flat that we can only just afford here), I might even be able to do some evening classes and get a better paid job - something I could never do here as I have no evening childcare (ex lives 10mins away but is 'busy' every evening and doesn't see the point in coming round).

Sorry, didn't mean to rant there! Thanks for listening

I'd say move. Otherwise your health is going to suffer more and your DD isn't going to do so well if her mum can't cope, especially as her dad doesn't seem to want to put himself out too much on her behalf - so move to where you've got the extended support and can give her a better life.

I moved my DD who was nearly two 280 miles away from her Dad last year, he wasn't happy about it, but he left us and I decided I needed the support from my parents and friends.

I couldn't have afforded to have a decent lifestyle down South on my salary and with childcare costs. He to pays the basic amount, but is good with money for other things. I made a promise to him I would never ever stand in the way of him seeing his daughter and he comes to see her whenever he can. Sometimes giving just a coupld of days notice, but I am fine with this!

He is a good Daddy to her,(crap husband though)!! Its not an ideal situation for her as she adores him, but I did what I thought was best for both of us, we are both doing OK most of the time, but its hardwork!

You have to do what is best for both of you, but keep the promise that you will make sure he can see her when he wants.

Good Luck!! xx