what do you do about parenrts meetings?

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just wondered about this and if anyone had advice or experience?

have been on my own since xp left when dc was 6 months old. have 2 dc. both refuse to ever spend nights with their dad, but see him every other weekend. i did offer xp a week eve ages ago, but he said no unless thay slept over and as he now lives an hours drive away that would be difficult with school and he doesn't even finish work till 7pm. so they would get to his and have to go straight to bed...its impractical [dc are still primary age]
he was arressted for and charged with harrassment of me a year ago-another long story.
now, he wants to go to parents eves etc. know i couldn't sit in same room as him with my dc's teacher, i have them most of the time so it is surely more applicable i go to see their teachers?
he wants them for holidays, but they refuse to even leave the house to see him some weekends, refuse to stay over with him, so how ouwld a holiday be possible without brute force?
it's such a mess. not being spiteful, just want the dc to be happy. They seemt to be happy with the current situation, are free to phone him when ever they like etc and this is how they seem to want it. what am i meant to do?

Make your own appointments and go by yourself. Let him make his own appointments.

Tell the teacher/school administration that you are estranged and would not feel comfortable meeting together, so require separate meetings. Don't go into 'why', as it necessary to give all the gory details (unless they hesitate/refuse your request). I feel sure they've had similar situations.

sorry - left out part of a sentence. Should read '....is not necessary to give all the gory details'.

If he has PR then he is entitled to go to the parents evening, school plays, sports days etc. You do not have to sit anywhere near him at these events and can ask the school to arrange separate days where possible.

SO his attendance at the parents evening does NOT have to be at the same time as you and the school MUST accomodate him and see him separately if he wishes to go and has PR.

Tell the school your estranged ex has PR (or has not) and is requesting to attend parents evening and that he will be in touch to make his own separate arrangements re this. Then tell him he needs to contact the school to make his own arranegements re this and they will give him a separate appointment if he wants to attend. nb - they should do this but some schools aren't aware they are required to do this if the non resident parents has PR. They also have to send him copies off all communications, letters, invites to school events, reports etc.

Just be careful when it comes to choosing secondary school because he can submit his own form for this too even which may make yours null and void!

Thanks, he has pr for my youngest only, but i'm not bothered about it, as faras i am concerned he has it for both in a practical way. thanks for advice re parents eves i will do this.

what about holidays and them not even wanting to stay over as it is? what do i do?

i know he blames me for them not wanting to stay over but nothing i say makes any difference.

i have to bribe/be forceful to get them out the house just for a day with him. his phone number has been next to the phone for 4 years for them to use as they please. i am aware its better for him to be involved than not. my ds won't talk to him about his feelings-he always asks me to ask his dad questions about stuff and tell him things as he seems scared for one reason or another.
I am tired of takig the blame for their not so close relationship. i also want as little stress for me as i can have as ive had enough from him over the years too.

In our case we attended parents evenings etc together. As others have said if this is a problem you can have separate appointments or sit apart at events.

Children being hostile to contact is a bit like children refusing to go to school. If they can't be bothered or worried about a row for something they had (or hadn't) done it would be a foolish parent who did not insist they went to school. On the other hand if a child was persistently bullied, depressed and didn't want to go to school a parent not going into school to try and sort the problem out could have disasterous results.

There all sorts of reasons children might be hostile to contact. They might have loyalty conflicts and cling onto the parent they live with for the majority of time because they feel abandoned by the parent who left and fear the other parent will leave too so there will be no one to care for them. Children sometimes feel responsible for looking after the parent with the majority of care if the parent is distressed about the family breakup. Other reasons include finding contact unrewarding and not stimulating, high levels of parental conflict or witnessing abuse.

Most parents consider the views of children before making decision but it is the adults who do the deciding. For example, you would consult children about moving house or changing school but the decision rests with parents. If separated parents cannot agree decisions are made by the courts.

Most children love both parents and want a relationship with both. Sometimes they might align with one parent and reject the other only to change their mind later. In all but the most exceptional circumstance children of separated families usually survive and thrive better if they are secure about their parentage and know and see the parent with the minority of care.

So like school, if children just don't feel like leaving you or seemingly can't be bothered or worried about being in trouble there is good reason to insist they go for contact. When contact is causing distress the root cause needs investigating and if parents cannot discuss the issues without getting into heated argument it's possible to get support from children and family services such as Family Mediation and Action For Children.

As a teacher, I wouldn't hesitate to offer separate appointments for parents in your/my situation. There's no way I'd sit voluntarily in the same room as my ex, and I don't expect others to do it either.