moving on from bereavement

[Springheel]

Hello everyone, this my debut post to this Forum, I thought I'd explain my situation first (apologies about the length).

I've been married twice, both to Japanese nationals as I lived in Tokyo for many years. Wife No.1 ended in divorce, she was a very difficult and neurotic personality, after we split she moved to London and is still here.

I stayed in Japan, remarried and enjoyed 10 years of marital bliss, until 3 years ago my second wife, who had a history of depression, suddenly took her own life as a result of work-related stress, leaving me with our 4 year old daughter. Shortly afterwards my former in-laws attempted to abduct my daughter, so I brought her back to the UK, a country I'd not lived for very many years.

My daughter's now 7 and we're pretty well adjusted to life back in England, though most of my work is still overseas. Relations with my former in-laws have been repaired, but we're staying here, I can't see myself going back to live in Japan again.

Since my return here I've been very (perhaps overly?) protective of my daughter, I don't trust babysitters, I only ask very good friends and far flung family to look after her occasionally. The majority of the time it's just the two of us.

This means I don't go out at night (though we live in the middle of a big city), I work alone from home via the web, so I have a very limited social life. I worry that I'm becoming reclusive! Until now I've avoided plans of another relationship, I'm very defensive, reasoning it would complicate the fragile life we've created for ourselves in the UK. Secretly, after two traumatic experiences I seriously suspect my prefered choice of partner.

But I'm beginning to change my mind now, I may feel comfortable alone, but it's not good for my daughter. It's not only the loneliness of our existence, we need to move on. My daughter misses having women in her life, I doubt that I'm making the correct decisions over her future.

How do others learn to move on?

i am not very good at answering to such posts, others can give nicer opinions but after reading your post these suggestions came to my mind;
-if you feel it will be very hard to meet and trust new people, you can try some counselling, you can arrange this through your GP
-the other thing is; dont pull yourself back because of past experiences, being alone will make you depressed and weak, try to meet new people through your interests
-different culture marriages is sometimes difficult to handle because of cultural differences.
good luck

hey noraa being alone does not have to make you depressed and weak - i'm not depressed or weak even though i am alone at home with the DC...

springheel - maybe it is about making new friends and seeing what happens not ncessarily going after a new relationship...

you could search new contacts thur your daughter's friends - invite playmantes round, get to know the parents that way,

as well as going out to do your thing hobby interest etc.

Hi there Springheel Sorry for all you've been through.

I suggest that you need to do two things, one is to do more with your daughter outside the house, and the other is to get out more yourself in the evenings.

You may already do plenty with your daughter, but in case not, how about Saturday morning sports / dance / craft clubs and activities, she would get to do something and you can get chatting to other people bringing their children. Do you talk to people at the school gate at all?

For yourself, you are going to have to take that leap of faith and use babysitters. Sitters.co.uk for example is an agency which vets the people they put forward. Or does anyone at school have a nanny or an au pair who's looking for extra work? Depends whereabouts in the country you are. Once you have regular trusted people you can find something for you - a course, join a choir, go to the driving range, whatever.

Finally how about internet dating? good way to meet people when you are not able to just go out easily and hang out in bars! I'm on my own with my son and it is hard to balance things. Having said that, I tried internet dating but have now decided to focus on doing stuff for me rather than trying to find someone else to fill the gap in my life. But I know of plenty of people who have met long term partners through internet dating so worth a go!

Hello Springheel.
So sorry to hear, me and the dd/ds lost there dad/hubby in July:(.
It has taken us this short time to realise that we did not know anyone really in our village but we go out to the local walks and have fun there(as much as we can).
I have joined a bereavement group near to me -it was hrd-(hmm)but I now have some nice friends and through them will meet others. It has taken some time to take DS to school but glad I hav, met some friends in the village now to.
Do not beat yourself up on this but go with the flow and what feels right for you.It will take time.