How much do I tell Cafcass?

[Tregonwell]

This is a difficult one. I have an eleven month old daughter and the relationship between the father and I broke down when she was seven weeks old.

He spent the first seven weeks of her life drunk, not working and being abusive towards me. I eventually threw him out after another night of F you C, him trying to grab my daughter when he couldn't stand and him wetting the bed - again.

He looked after her for two hours one Friday night while I went to a candle party (yawn) I came home to find him fully clothed, drunk and snoring on the bed with daughter next to him screaming - he said I had made it up the next morning.

I went back to work when she was three months old, have supported her totally - no input, financial contribution or interest from his family, apart from a visit from his mother to tell me it is quite normal for men to wet the bed when they are drunk.

When we split up I tried to encourage him to spend time with her, he wasn't interested. Subsequently we have been backwards and forwards with him screwing up every opportunity he has been given to be a consistent part of her life. E.G phoning when he has had her to ask if he can drop her off early so he can go to the pub, saying he wants to see her then refusing to unless he can take her to the pub with his mates, agreeing, then refusing to drop her off at my auntie's for an overnight stay when I was away with work and subsequently shouting at me on the phone at seven the next morning because his mother didn't feel well and he didn't have any nappies (he is 35 and lives with his mother!)

He attacked me while drunk in February and I called the police.

I offered to go to mediation in April, counselling in June and July.

He regularly takes drugs (don't think he would do this while he had daughter), has been banned from the majority of the bars in the area, becomes very aggressive with me if I dare disagree with anything he says - and generally doesn't seem interested in our daughter when he is around her - eg ignores her and watches tv or looks on the internet and tells her to shut up if she makes a noise, complains about changing nappies and feeding her etc

He lives just round the corner and I am remortgaging my current house to get a deposit for another one so I am closer to work and my support network - and to get away from him.

I've always worked on the basis it is best for any child to have contact with both of their parents and have tried to work towards this - I asked for his assurance that he would not take her to the pub while he was responsible for her - he was very sarcastic about this and said he knew how to look after the most precious thing in his life - I said if he wasn't going to take it seriously he could b*** off.

This prompted him to lodge a contact order with the courts and Cafcass have been in touch. They have done the criminal record checks, me, no arrests, charges, convictions - him criminal career starting in 94, two drink driving convictions, abh, domestic violence etc

We go to court in less than two weeks and he hasn't bothered to return the Cafcass officers calls - but he wants to be friends with me and spend more time with our daughter than he currently does - two hours thurs eve and four at the weekend (this is the latest as I've made it very clear I'm not willing to spend any more time in his company.)

And I just don't know what to do, I can't believe he hasn't engaged with Cafcass and am actually wondering if he is at all interested in her or if he is just trying to control me.

My instinct says there is nothing beneficial he can bring to her life and I think he has had enough chances to demonstrate that he is capable of putting her needs before his own.

I've explained to Cafcass that I want him to have a relationship with her but have concerns about him having her for any length of time (like overnight) because I just don't trust him.

The lady said her recommendation at the moment would be that contact was at my discretion and she thinks a full day might be too much for him.

Does anyone know what is likely to happen if I mention the drugs and does anyone have any opinions on whether some people just aren't capable of having a constructive relationship with their child - and whether you think he fits into this category?

My friends and family think he is a waste of space, but none of them have a young child who will be affected by the choices that are made now.

Hi Tregonwell. I'm afraid I don't have any good advice, but I have been thinking for months of writing a very similar post. My dd is 10 months and we split (after 11 years) when she was 8 weeks, due to his violent outbursts and vile temper.

My ex sees her at my discretion, which he is happy with, for now, I don't think he's capable of looking after her and I don't trust him to keep her safe and not flip out , hence he has never seen her unsupervised by me. He sees her more or less weekly.I have no idea what's best for the future.

My instinct tells me that our babies are so much better off without abusive men like this in their lives, but it's very hard to deny them a father, and stand up to it and make that call, if it's even yours to make.

Hoping to glean some wisdom from other posters as it's such a horrible, confusing place to be, and I don't know where one could go for advice.

Sorry to hear you are going through this too.

my ex refused to engage with the cafcass process too....and kept up his nice side to me hoping i would let him have access.

you are not doing your dd any favours here.....he needs to go through court and get it supervised,imo

my ex was awarded NO contact....and banned from further appications for 5 years without leave of court.....he was using the systm to carry on his control/abuse of me

your ex really needs full investigations here....a section 7 at least.....and yes!!! you HAVE to mention the drugs,all of it!!

Yes, definately mention all of it. I have yet to go down any official roads (I will if he wants unsupervised contact), but if I do I want it all 'out there' so that a fully informed decision can be made.

thats what i did....put it all out there....ended up with a forensic psyhiatric evaluation of him. boy,some stuff was revealed then!!

Sorry, one more thing, it does not sound AT ALL safe for your dd to be left with him .

Hi lycheemartini - I hadn't finished the post then, I'm hoping the move will show whether he is really interested in her or just controlling me.

He'll have to make an effort - like get a car seat - and I just don't know whether he will.

Dragonfly68 - it's funny that you mention control because that's how it feels. I think if it went to supervised access he would just blame me and not turn up and be able to present himself as the victim. And I have no idea how I would explain that to my daughter when she starts to ask questions. But I am going to mention all of it to the Cafcass officer. I think I realised that when I was writing it that it's utterly irresponsible not to.

What were the circumstances that led up to a no contact order with your ex?

Good for you dragonfly. Tregonwell do you have RL support? Going to court scares me a lot because I kept the (very) abusive nature of my relationship secret as much as I could and still am too ashamed really to open that can of worms. Anyway enough about me, I am rooting for you that things go as well as they can.

Look sometimes, when a parent is a violent, drunk and drug abuser, it's not actually in the child's best interest to have a relationship with them.

I know everyone makes a big fuss over how it's important for both parents to be involved no matter what, but I say they are wrong. I say this after seeing DH's drunk, drug abusing and violent stepfather systematically ruin all 6 of his kids lives. One went to prison aged 15 after knocking up his underage girlfriend and stealing MIL's car. One killed himself. One had her kids taken off her for neglect and abuse. One became a teenage mum with another violent partner (cycle of abuse). One just emerged from an abusive relationship (cycle of abuse again). Only one is doing alright so far. And that's because MIL has kept him at arms length. It sounds unreal, but I swear to you this is not even the half of it.

Sometimes it's best if parents like that are not involved in their child's upbringing.

As a dad and therefore male, my natural inclination is to support father's rights. BUT the line has to be drawn somewhere and where a man is constantly drunk, uses drugs when in charge of his child and leads a unpredictable lifestyle then its clearly not in the best interests of the child to have contact.

Sometimes no contact is the lesser of the two evils.

In OP's case, CAFCASS are involved and as such she should give full disclosure. I can't see any upside in withholding information in this case so why do it?

From what you have said it is not safe for yor daughter to be alone in the presence of her father.

Yes she has a right to a relationship with her father. But she also has the right to be safe and protected. Your ex does not have the right to a relationship with his child. What he has are responsibilities as a parent; responsibilties he is not fulfilling.

He needs help with his drinking problem, drug etc. You need to make it clear to CAFCASS that you want her to have a relationship but for all the reasons you put in your OP you are not sure it is safe to do so. The judge will base their decision heavily on what CAFCASS advises. So you need to ensure CAFCASS has all the relevant information on which to base a decision. They won't take what you say without cheking into it. They should investigate, speak to your ex and advise the judge accordingly. If he's not communicating with them that will look extremly bad to the court. So he's not doing himself any favours ignoring them. It is however adding strength to your case that he isn't actually interested in your daughter and isn't putting her needs first.

I would suggest supervised contact at a contact centre is the way to go. Ask CAFCASS what they think about this and what centres are available near you. Also say you wonder if he would even bother though and you think he would blame you and give this as a reason for stopping contact (which you are worried will be his reason for stopping contact and using this to blame you).

Bear in mind that if he is serious about wanting the contact he will turn up at a contact centre, he will engage with CAFCASS and he will show up at court prepared to fight and do whatever it takes- ie accept the supervised contact proposal, get help with his drink and drugs problems, go on a parenting course. He has to jump through hoops here to show that he is willing and capable to have that relationship with his child.

And if your daughter asks why she doesn't see her dad when he doesn't do whatever it takes to maintain his relationship with her and fulfil his parental responsibilities to her, then you simply have to say he went to court about it and the judge and the court didn't think it was safe and that you agreed and that he didn't like what they said and got grumpy about it.

Wouldn't you rather be answering that question than having her ask you why you made her spend time with him? Or worse explaining to yourself why you allowed it when your dd is injured (physically or emotionally) while in his care through his neglect and selfishness?

People change, and yes even your ex may change when he realises what's at stake here (a relationship with his child). But he needs to prove this; to you, to the court and to CAFCASS.

Your dd needs you to protect her. And if that includes protecting her from her own father then you jolly well have to do that!

So absolutely tell CAFCASS everything and ask for their help as you don't know what to do for the best.

i thin rather than saying "that I want him to have a relationship with her "

you need to eb putitng it in your daughter's terms:
" i want her to have a relationship with her father but i have concerns for her welfare due to his history ..."

turn it right around - you not repsonsible foir him -
you are responsible for your dauighter.

you want to facilitate her relationship with her fatehr (in an ideal world) but you have have significant concerns due to his criminla history and behviour.

so supervised contact in a contact centre -or none for the time being...

" if it went to supervised access he would just blame me and not turn up and be able to present himself as the victim"

well he is just gonna look darned stupid if he is offered contact and refuses it... he can blame you all you like - you need to be abel to tell cafcass and a judge that you ahve done everything to faciltiate contact that will be safe for your daughter...

the only "victim" here would be your daughter tho fortuantley she quite yourng right now and as otehrs said - contact is not necessarily in her best interest

Reading your post, I was struck by just how many chances you have given this person, many more than his initial behaviour to his daughter warranted, and how often he has shown himself to be not only chaotic but dangerous.

Your child has no way to protect herself and cannot be left with an adult who is unable to control themselves; she cannot be put at risk. Because he is genetically related to her does not assume his ability to parent her or that she 'knows' he cares when his behaviour is saying otherwise. I would imagine something like an hour's supervised contact at a time, never being left alone with his daughter, is the most that is possible or advisable. Build on that after a few months if he manages it (including turning up) otherwise call it off. You as a mother know that parenting is not an immediate skill and has to be learned and developed over time. It will take even longer if he's not a full-time parent and he has to understand that.

He is not engaging with Cafcass yet is being 'nice' to you. This is not responsible behaviour, and is potentially an example of deliberate misleading for who knows what purpose. If an adult cannot acknowledge or understand why he needs to engage in a legal and formal process in order to have a relationship with their child, there's no mitigating circumstances, being able to be 'nice' to you doesn't outweight that fundamental issue about him.

My personal feeling is also that where your daughter is too young to have developed any particular relationship with her genetic father, it's not realistically a loss to her to lose him. I know that's a bit harsh for some.

Just imagine for a moment If you were the one who had a drink/drugs problem. Do you honestly think he would stick up for you at the expense of you child?

I can't understand why it would be in anyones interest not give all the information to the CAFCASS officer.

It isn't ok for someone who is drunk or under the influence of drugs to be responsible for any child.

I have made sure my children have a relationship with their father. However, that is only because he is capable and puts their interests before his own because he loves them as a father should.

"My instinct says there is nothing beneficial he can bring to her life and I think he has had enough chances to demonstrate that he is capable of putting her needs before his own."

The thing is children who are insecure about their parentage tend to grow up with low self esteem leading to emotional and behavioural problems later such as teenage pregnancies and dysfunctional relationships in adulthood. Therefore courts presume that when a child lives with one parent they have the right to know and see the other parent (even if their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired by most peoples' standards) in all but the most exceptional circumstances.

However, contact needs to be safe and apart from contact centres there are all kinds of provisions and measures such as indirect contact via mail, internet (including supervised access) and phone and drug/alcohol testing to help maintain contact.

Hi, I am going through a court process now due to my Ex accusing my soon to be husband of child abuse and alcohol problems. All this is so untrue and they are just lying. My ex is a drug and alcohol abuser who doesnt have a stable life, he never had it and I was often subject to a domestic violence while with him. CAFCASS are now involved and I am praying that they will see the true. Social Services don't see the danger for the child but the court asked for them to complete a section 37. Section 7 was completed twice and no concerns were presented while the child is with me or my fiancee. I am just surprised how some people can live without the moral. I recently bought a book "How to win a child custody war" and there is a lot of useful info. And I am sure that the lie always come to light and innocent mothers and their families will be cleared. God give the strenght to all mothers who are just trying to give the best for their children!