Can you be friends with your Ex?

[LoneLou]

Ok here it is I split with my partner of 10 years 3 weeks ago and we have an 8 year old son. I'm kinda getting used to the idea of us not being togther, although I still have my bad days, and obviously I still see my Ex as he comes to pick our son up. Somedays when I see him I except things and we chat as normal but other days when I'm feeling down/sad I get very angry when I see him, with time I hope this will pass. We have to get on for the sake of our son but can we be friends? Is anyone else friends with their Ex and it works?
Lou

I think in the end it depends on a couple of things:

1. how the split happened, was it mutual, or was one partner devastated
2. whether or not both parties want to stay amicable

In a mutual split (or non-devastational split) it's much easier to be friends. But even in a one-sided split, if you are both determined to be friends, you can make it work.

Sorry to hear your sad news and hope you can find a solution that works for you.

I am friends with my ex.

OK so not "let's go down the pub" friends but he can come in for a coffee when he collects the DCs.

We split eight years ago and have made a point of getting on. We loved each other enough to have three DCs at one point and is not their fault we split.

They know that they can talk about their dad to me and vice versa. And we exchange the odd text in between visits.

Both of us are now remarried and its all very amicable.

Can you ever be just friends with an ex? I'm not so sure.

But you can get to a place where you are pretty ambivalent to each other.

So with my ex, I'm actually pleased for her when she has good news to tell me, sad when she has bad news. I'll help her out if I can/need to and vice versa. We'll do our best to help the kids out.

But friends???? Nah. Happy just being civil.

yes you cab, although it will never be the friendship you have with other friends. there will always be that resentment/jealousy/ etc so it takes a lot of work on both your parts to remain adult about how you feel. and both people need to fully accept that it is over. tbh it doesn't sound lik you are reasy for a friendship with him yet. just focus on being a co-parent.

I know couples who have split up who still get together on kids birthdays, christmas etc and get on ok, still help each other out and it seems to work fine for them, not sure you would call them friends because i dont think they would ever see each other again if they didnt have children.

In my case however I dont think I will ever get to the point where I could be friends with my ex. We are civil to each other on the very rare occasion we see each other (he parks up outside and ponks car horn and kids go out to him and he just pulls up and drops them off again) and we communicate only by phone/text regarding arrangements for the kids but thats all.

Frankly I dont want to be friends with him, he had an affair and broke my heart and I lost my home and he has left me with lots of debts. While we were together he sold my engagement ring and other jewellery of mine that was my grandmas (to fund nights out with tart).He doesnt pay me any child maintenance yet has a brand new car and is always going away for the weekend with his tart.

Like I said, I wont ever be friends with him but am sure it works for some people.

I would say it takes time. Ive just started talking to my ex again after three years and I cant hate him as he gave me the most gorgeous little boy. My family cant stand him and he wont be coming to any family parties but as hes finally paying child support then this for me as a single mum can only be a plus.

I would have loved to be friends with the exh as he was children's father, he left for ow, was abusive and did everything to hurt, during his manic lust stage, caused so much pain and hurt with court cases and hurt kids, still he does not want to pay for kids and in court will go on about future needs of non existant children he hopes to have with ow he married rather than what kids now need, the same one's he not seen for 18 months... judges always putting him right, however he not getting it at all....

having said all of that and the abuse, I would hope that one day he will stop hating me and take responsibility for things and that we could be civil for the kids, don't think it will be something he is interested in!

I have been split 12 years and we have reached an amicable relationship where we tolerate each other -we have even been on holiday together with the kids. But I wouldnt say he is a friend - the things I didnt like about him when we were married are still the same, but now I can be friendly around him for the sake of the kids, while thinking 'thank god I am not married to you anymore!'

It depends on so many factors. If one party was seriously abusive then it's a bad idea even to try. If the one who was dumped allows him/herself to be consumed with bitterness then it's not going to work either. Probably the best chance of becoming friends is if both partners realised at about the same time that the couple-relationship had run its course and were able to end it amicably and fairly.

I'm presuming from your posting the question, that there was no major abuse / deceit etc, which would make 'friends' that much more difficult.

Yes, ex's can be friends, but it doesn't necessarily mean you 2 can be friends - it will take something, and only you know if you've both got it!

Consider thinking of it like this. You have a child together so there is a good reason to experience a shared love - you have an exciting project to take care of! Now - as we know, most split couples end up hating each other, screwing each other over etc. So take it on as a challenge - almost a game. If you can, agree with your ex that you should both be relentlessly decent with each other, supportive etc. So that you can both share your fears / weaknesses knowing that the other wont use that against you, but help you to become a better / happier person - therefore a better / more present parent.

Of course, at times you wont see eye to eye, but you are under less pressure now - you don't live together so should be able to tolerate each other better!

Don't use the kid/s as weapons, or get them to side with you; and don't use money as a power game and you gotta good chance.

Remeber - just treat it as an exercise - that you both engage in - to do really well at. Think how good it would feel to talk about him in a couple of years time and be able to say - yeah, he's been great, he's such a good dad; been a real friend to me etc - up against the usual bore - bastard never blah blah blah...

good luck x

(And yes , I do have this with my ex. We have a 9yo dd and are good friends)