Ex is unreliable

[Becky36]

We have been divorced for four years and have a six year old son. My ex is constantly changing the access arrangements to suit his personal life.

When we split up he said he wanted to have him from 1.00pm on Sunday overnight, so he either drops him off with me on a Monday morning or he takes him to school depending on what shift he is on. Lately he has cancelled having him twice on the Sunday due to his social life, i.e. saying he can't have him because he is going out.

He never lets me know when he is having him in the week and I quite often get a text saying he has collected him from school or the childminder with no notice at all.

What he doesn't seem to get is that it is confusing for our son and pisses me off massively because I can't plan to do anything because he changes arrangements at the last minute or he picks our son up without letting me know.

He was very violent when we were married so I suppose I am still a bit wary of confronting him about things. The best part is that I work at a solicitors and I know I can't force him to stick to regular contact, but it drives me mad.

Any advice would be welcome because I am getting to the point where I tell him that unless he can stick to a regular arrangement he won't be seeing him at all. This isn't what I want or what is best for our son but I can't see any way of letting him know that it isn't ok to keep cancelling contact just so he can go out.

Hi Becky,

My ex is the same. Lets son / me down at the last minute and all my plans have to be changed and all the plans that I told DS not to make because he is seeing Dad, can't be then just arranged at the last minute.

I don't have an answer for you. I've been seperated for 8 years and it's got worse not better as time has gone on.

I too have thought long and hard about telling him to be consistent or to not bother at all, but I know he would walk away and the one thing I don't want is for DS to idolise an absent father. The way I see it, if he is around and he sees him sometimes, lets him down etc. and DS sees him for warts and all, then he can make his own decision on what he thinks of his Dad based on facts rather than my opinions.

DS is 12 and knows what his Dad his, expects very little from him, knows who is there for him (me!) but he does still love his Dad too.

If you give him an ultimatum then one of two things will happen:

1. He will fight for contact. The objective would be to win rather than whats best for his son. Quite probably will revert back to type after any court case is settled.

2. He'll not bother therefore his son not seeing him at all rather than ad-hoc.

You will know better than any of us which he will do and what the impact of not seeing his dad would be on your son.

You need to be very clear that the confusion and disappointment your son gets when he doesn't see his dad is not replaced by an even bigger disappointment of NEVER seeing his dad.

Also, what about if court gives him more contact than you want? What then? And what about if/when he doesn't stick to it?

I know he loves his son and would be upset at not seeing him but at the moment everything is on his terms. For example he agreed to have him as an extra night this Saturday as I have a night out arranged. I sent him a text yesterday reminding him about it and he replied that he couldn't have him anymore as he was working. He had forgotten about having him as the extra night was arranged four weeks ago. He also said that he wasn't having him on Sunday (which is his usual day to have him) because he has a party to go to. He also said that he would have him for two nights in the week to make up for it, which is fine but he didn't know which nights they would be.

I have even booked babysitters before and he then decides to pick him up from school and I end up paying the babysitter for not babysitting because his dad has got him.

I think that it is getting me down that I can't organise anything and yet he gets to pick and choose when he has our son depending on what his social life is like.

My ex is unreliable and selfish like this. He has never signed up for a routine of access because he is on shifts, but he knows his shift pattern will continue for years so there's no real reason why he can't tell me in advance. Except that he can organise his hectic social life and me and the kids fit in round that. Sometimes he has them one night every 2-3 weeks after school, then he will very rarely ask for a full week of access (when he has no better offers I expect).

Like a doormat i just accept this, but i have the advantage that if i've made plans for me and the kids i won't change them around him, and when it comes to Christmas etc i get to choose where they are. I'm really lucky that my fantastic mum will babysit at short notice.

With your X, I suppose you could "get him back" for dropping the Sundays by not allowing the extra access during the week, but ultimately is it your son that will suffer? You sometimes see an "out of sight out of mind" effect with dads where the less they see the kids the less they seem to want to.

Or could you have a non confrontational conversation with your X and explain the effects of what he does on your ds? Didn't work with my X but might be worth a try!

You can't force someone to see a child against their wishes, but you can apply to regulate contact if the inconsistency is upsetting your child. Since December 2008 all contact orders with a warning notice attached are served on both parties and it is open to either parent to apply for enforcement of the order. This won't necessarily stop your ex being inconsistent in the time you must make the child available for contact but he will have no business just turning up or removing the child from school or childcare at other times.

Having said that, resorting to the courts is really the last option and it's always worth trying to resolve disputes through mediation or negotiating through solicitors in the first instance.