Help! So bitter and twisted!

[doughnutdolly]

I am looking for some advice on how to get through the next few weeks. It's coming up to a year since i split with XH and although its been traumatic I have picked myself up ( along with our 2 DC's) and moved on ......... or so I thought! I have spent last week reliving everything that happened during our marriage, during the split and after. To explain the situation (I'll keep it brief!) XH has had various affairs, was found out, blamed me, we tried to work it out, he decided wasn't worth effort etc etc. Since then I have realised just what a complete waste of space he is and that I have been a very poor judge of character in the past. I know now I'm better off without him. However, recently I can't stop thinking about all the horrible lies, betrayals and complete disrespect he had for our marriage and our family. I know a lot of it is to do with the anniversary of it all coming up but I am torturing myself with it all and am just so angry!!!! I see him regularly because of our DC's. I find it hard to even look at him yet manage to keep things 'friendly' for our DC's sakes. They are only 3 and 5. But this all makes me so angry - I'm having to be decent and cooperative for the sake of our DC's yet he never put our family first if a fling was on offer. AAAHHHHH!!! Tips please on how to get rid of this torturing anger which is going to turn me into a bitter and twisted as well as shattered single mum!!!

hey doughnut

remeber you have the moral high ground in spades - you will be able to look your DCs in the eyes in future and answer them honestly about how you did the right thing

don't give him the satisfaction of letting your anger get the better of you - brings you down to his level, not your natural plane.

Anger is a waste of energy - convert that energy into constructive stuff that will give you a sense of achievement:

the gym/any other exercise you enjoy
sorting the house so you feel more at home there
join a kick-boxing class and visualise Dance around the living room with your beautiful children and sing your head off to your fave tunes - look at their shining faces and collapse in a laughing heap - he cannot do this

Look the anger in the eye, acknowledge it, let it pass through you and move on

sounds like psychobabble bullshit but it works

rant on MN

You'll probably find that the date of your anniversary will stir up emotions in you for some years to come yet :(

Anger is part of the healing process. It is normal to feel this way and I think you probably still have a long way to go. Though you probably have more better days now and so can see that things will be better in the future.

You can't rush these things, and it may seem like you're over it all for days and weeks at a time. But as you've found, something can still bring all those feelings and emotions back.

They will go in time and the hurt and anger will lessen, but it could very well take much longer than you expect. Don't feel you have to rush it or that you should be over it all by now. It's perfectly normal when you are dealing with such terrible detrayal, pain and hurt. All the harder when you are forced to still see this man because of your children.

Thank you mummy and gb. Today I feel less angry and more like the emotional wreck I was last year. I think you're right gb, that it will take a long time to get over (if ever!) and that's a very scary thought. I had a horrible sinking feeling when I woke up this morning that the emotions I went through last year are all about to hit me again and they were so not good. You are right too, mummy about the DC's and knowing that I will always be able to look them in the eye but at times I feel so so sorry for them that they will never grow up with their mum and dad as a family..... Sorry I really am on a downer just now and feeling sorry for myself :( How as anyone else got themselves through these horrible anniversaries?

The anniversary of when xh announced he didnt love me and had been unhappy for ages is coming up and its the date of our wedding anniversary too which makes it ultra memerable !

I know what you mean about it all rising up again but I am determined to try and counteract by being in the best mental and physical shape possible and just going with the anger and bitterness knowing it will pass. My view is once that date goes by it will never be as impactful again but yes as gb says its a long journey until you are completely mentally free.

At the end of the day it sounds like you didnt lose a great prize in him and the negativity is about how he treated you - well just think you have been free o that for almost a year

I am in a similar position to you. I could not let go of the anger until my counsellor suggested writing a letter to my ex, not with the intention of posting it, but just to express everything.
I was too lazy, so wrote a bullet pointed list headed 'I am angry with you because ....'
As I wrote, I could feel the anger coming out, even though it sounds so simple.
I am now able to not get so wound up by him,I too keep the moral high ground, and know that the children love me for my consistency, honesty, and reliability, all things he is rubbish at.
I am honestly beginning to feel happy, for the first time in years, and you can too. I have a new hobby, but it is the taking of a couple of hours out which is the real treat! Try it, and celebrate every little positive step you take.
good luck x