Would I be wrong not to tell him when I'm in labour?

[splashy]

Am due in a week now, so baby could come anytime now.

He left me because he was angry I wouldn't have an abortion, said lots of terrible things about this baby, but then said he wanted to be involved and 'no longer hated her'. He then sent me a text last week saying he didn't want to see her anymore, but later said he didn't mean it, and does want to. Don't really understand the inconsistency though and don't see him being very commited. Has also been rotten to me throughout the pregnancy and offered no support whatsoever.

I am planning on having my mum and a friend support me in labour, there is no way I am having him there as he will just upset me. I am wondering whether to tell him when I am in labour at all as he will try to come over and I know that would upset me.

Despite everything I still love him, which is why I find any contact really hard as I hope stupidly that he will change, which I know on a rational level won't happen. Don't want to put this in front of what's right for my daughter though.

When should I tell him about labour/birth?

I wouldn't tell him until it's all over and the baby has arrived. Even then I might leave it a few hours depending on how I was physically and what time of day it was.

You are the one giving birth to the baby, your needs, both physically and emotionally, come before his.

Just in case, I think you should have a word with the ward staff when you get admitted. They're normally very good at keeping out people who the mother doesn't want to see.

Good luck :)

DOn't tell him, get someone else to inform him once the baby is safely here. He's an arsehole and there is no point at all in trying to find a way to make him be reasonable - this will just exhaust and upset you.
His 'inconsistency' is easy enough to explain - he wants to upset you. You've been 'disobedient' and therefore deserve prolonged punishment - he is trying to see how many hoops he can make you jump through. The best way to deal with dickheads like this is to blank-wall them: the end result you want is for the child to have a reasonable relationship with the father; this does not make it necessary for the father to have any kind of relationship with you. Send him a message that you will let him know once the baby is here and until then you do not want to see him or hear from him.

Hi Splashy, am in more or less exactly the same position as you, right down to the confused feelings, and feeling upset by contact. My due date was today so just a week ahead of you.

I agree, don't tell him until the baby is there (even though I have the same questions going round and round in my own head and don't know if I can steel myself to do it; I feel that it's the only rational way.)

Good luck with the birth!

thank you for the replies, will have to wait to tell him until baby has arrived.

realised if he came i would hope he would support me, but i know that wouldn't happen.

yika sorry to hear you are in the same situation. it's hard to cope with i know, i'm barely coping, am just tearful constantly. i never imagined when i would be having my first baby that it would be like this.

it feels odd that as the father he won't be one of the first people to see the baby, but i know he doesn't want that otherwise he wouldn't be behaving like this. think i will probably make him wait till i am back from hospital before visiting, even then his visit will need to be 'chaperoned' to prevent bad behaviour on his part.

yika good luck with your birth too :)

Stress can stop/prolong/complicate labour. On no account tell him!

Best of luck :)

Thanks Splashy!

when you say
it's hard to cope with i know, i'm barely coping, am just tearful constantly. i never imagined when i would be having my first baby that it would be like this.

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Feel free to message me before or after the birth :)

I shall be thinking of you next Monday.

hi yika, have sent you a message :)

ooh yika and splashy, good luck from me.

i had my mum at my birth and it was the best day of my life. no regrets about the dad not being there at all.

enjoy!

Hi
I think that I am going to be echoing what just about everyone else has said but I was in a similar situation to you (DS now 18 months). I agree with all before me who have said don't tell him. Labour and birth are all about you and your baby. I had my mum and one of my best friends and I am so grateful not to have had him there to confuse emotions.

It is hard and you are really emotional now but think of you and your baby. I told DS's father 24 hours after the birth and he did turn it round to himself whilst deciding not to be involved in DS's life (he has never met him).

Good luck both of you and hope it all goes well.

He got angry at me when he found out that he wouldn't be told when I am in labour.

I told him that I need support then and as he has said before he is unwilling to support me at all I can't have him there.

Would it be a bad idea to tell him but not let him in? I know he will try to use it against me otherwise.

But in what way can he use it against you? You shouldn't have anyone with you who isn't wanting the very best for you.

If I were you, I'd ask your mum to call him when you are home after the baby is born. Will your mum be staying with you for a while after the birth? I wouldn't let him see the baby unless she is present - surely he's less likely to cause problems if she's there?

It's funny that you say you love him. What exactly do you love about him? From where I'm sitting he seems to be a very unlikeable person who is totally self-absorbed and doesn't care who he hurts.

Look around you at how nice men treat their partners - wouldn't you prefer someone like that?

Best of luck with the birth - I hope it all goes well and you have a lovely, healthy baby to take your mind of that guy.

don't tell him. it's a shame you told him you weren't going to tell him.

he is not going to be supportive - he has no idea what you're going through.

you have to look after yourself and your baby first. you can't have someone there who will want the focus to be on him.

My friend has this with her baby the guy was yes no etc so she simply had the baby and told him the next day with a txt.
3 weeks later he decided to pitch up!

So no dont tell him focus on you and your beautiful daughter xx

warthog i didn't tell him i wouldn't tell him when i was in labour, my mum did when he asked for her to tell him when it happened.

i know it won't be a good idea to see him when i'm feeling vulnerable etc but i've been told he just wants to come to hospital to wait around. would that be a bad thing? i assume i could put the receptionists on guard not to let him in.

atswim yes i do want somebody supportive, and am jealous when the other nct mums talk about how supportive their partners are (i haven't told them my situation). i guess you love with your heart, not your head, and my heart still wants to be with the father of my baby even though he can be a monster at times. i love him for the person he can be, when he isn't behaving badly, but he was been nasty for the most part for a while :(

guess it doesn't sit right with me that, as the father, he won't be one of the first people to see her after she comes into the world, even though he has done very little to show he wants to be a father.

So you love him for the man you want him to be, the veneer he probably put on to impress you at the start of your relationship. He simply can't sustain that image for very long, the veneer has worn thin. You know that's not the real him now is it. Wjat you're seeing now is the real him.

Open your eyes to reality. He is not the man you want him to be. And he won't be the father you want him to be either. He will be what and who he is. Now you can either accept and put up with that. Or you can make your own life and stop being so miserable and upset while you wait for him to be that man he isn't ever going to be.

I do wish you well with your baby and the life you have ahead. Being a single parent isn't easy. But it a heck of a lot better when you stop hoping for your ex to be there to love and support you.

You are worth so much more than him. Stop putting up with it and stand up to him. YOu have a child to consider now. Enjoy your baby and stop worrying about your ex!

gillybean what you say makes so much sense, I know you are right.

I do stupidly just hope that he could get anger management and change, but you are right I think - this is just how he is :(

I also worry about my daughter's future and how I am going to cope. Find it really hard to cope at the moment with having no support.

Please tell your nct partners now there would be a whole pool of support for you.

I know it's hard but you are doing the right thing.
You are in mourning for the relationship you thought you had and that's normal.
You don't have that relationship, it is over What is happening between you now is however much you dont' want it to be, is what you have now.

Not nice to face in your particular circs but better deal with your birthing in mourning for a lost relationship than have a nasty piece of work in the room stressing you out wondering what he is going to say and do next.
If he remembers half the affection you once had between you he should leave you in peace to do this how you need to.

He won't suddenly become the man you want him to be in the delicvery room.
sorry