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Original poster

How to deal with the Other Woman being in DD's life

13 replies

MaggieMuggins · 19/09/2010 20:55

Hi all, I am new to this topic but not MN (those of you who frequent the Relationships page may remember my tale of woe from earlier in the year).

Had a 'proper' chat with my ex-H tonight - well, as proper as he can do - as despite him leaving me 7 months ago I didn't know whether he was still in a relationship with the OW. Well, turns out he is, and he says it's getting serious and he wants her and our DD to meet. He is also talking about them moving in together in 6 months (with her child). I am devastated. I suppose I had been wondering whether it had all gone tits up and now I know it hasn't I feel so stupid.

I can't believe I am going to have to share my beautiful daughter with another woman - and her daughter - who I don't even know. How the fuck do you deal with this???

OP posts:
Betty79 · 19/09/2010 21:05

Its a really tough one cos I have seen it from both sides. Initially when I spilt from my ex the thought of my dd's spending time with another woman made me felt sick.

BUT I am now in a relationship with a man who also has a daughter from his previous relationship, she is younger than mine, so I am now on the other side of things. I love spending time with my bf's daughter along with mine and they all do too. I respect that he is her daddy so I let him take responsibility for her whilst we are out, and she goes to him anyway but I do try and make an effort to build on our relationship when I do see her because if things continue as they are and i fully expect them too, she will be as much a part of our family as my dd's and I want her to know that.

FlyingInTheCLouds · 19/09/2010 21:23

god that must be so hard for you. I haven't been in your situation but I am a stepmum. I had no part in the break up and DSS mum was pretty welcoming to me.

Now I wouldn't expect you to be welcoming but you need to try and make things OK because like it or not (and if I was you I would hate it) this woman is going to have a great deal of influence on your DD's relationship with her father.

She may be around for a long time and the intial time they meet can be very important for your DD to be OK about it all.

You must want to shout and scream and make your DD hate her but this will only do her harm. It would be best for her if she thinks it is good that she is meeting this new woman. If she thinks you are OK about it she will be happier in the long run, she will be better behaved for this woman and thus this woman will be nicer to her. Harsh but true.

I love my DSS, and get on very well now with his mum (it has been up and down over the years but have tried to make DSS the focus), but it has taken work from all sides. I feel that he gets a lot from our relationship (and also from his step dad) but he gets the most from his Mum and always will.

Always remember that no one will ever mean more to your dd than you, she may be influenced by your DH and theOW but you will always be more important have more of an input and be loved the most.

Good luck, take it slow and try and remain civil. Look after yourself and try not to bad mnouth DH or OW to your DD it will do her no favours.

take care x

Betty79 · 19/09/2010 21:44

just to add to my previous post. I didnt have anything to do with the break up of my partners relationship either so can see how much harder that would be

marriednotdead · 19/09/2010 21:53

Grit your teeth and smile sweetly. It does get easier in time, honestly.

Exp was seeing OW (a younger work colleague) for 6 months before it blew up and I threw him out. A few months later he had bought a flat and had my DS aged 2.5 every weekend. She was there almost from the off.

11 years on they are married, and have a LO and another on the way. Her family treat my DS as one of theirs and he is totally comfortable with them.

I try and fail not to have catty words/thoughts about her but she has always been good with my DS, and has constantly had to share her leisure time with my DS in tow as well. TBH, I'd rather they had the good relationship they have than my DS hate her.
She can never be me, and doesn't try to be so as I said before, smile sweetly...

Original poster
MaggieMuggins · 19/09/2010 22:03

Oh god. I am still reeling I think.

But thank you for the kind replies and telling me it will get better...I know it will, I just feel so angry and sad and hurt right now.

And I am a reasonable person (too bloody reasonable, some might say) so I know I will be able to grin and bear it for my DD's sake. Eventually. She is still a toddler so I don't need to worry about her in terms of her being introduced by my ex as his new girlfriend and all the issues that go with that as she won't understand. Every cloud, eh?

OP posts:
onlyone · 19/09/2010 22:17

Maggie - I feel like you do.

My DCs both under 5, go to see the OW ( who was a very good friedn of mine, until she started shagging my husband)

Everytime they go, my first instinct is to scream - No and grab them back and protect them forever from her - but I can not. I do not want her to be part of their lives, have nay influence on them but I have no choice.

I so want to hit and shout and slag her off, cause her physical and mental pain, but know that I can not. As the only people to suffer are my DCs.

In the meantime she gets to rant and rave about me to my ex and I just smile sweetly. make the odd bitchy comment to ex when he comes round but mainly maintain the moral high ground - something she can never do.

It hurts so much and is not what I want for my DCs but I go with the flow and cry when the door shuts behind them. The pain is physical - I know where you are coming from.

Original poster
MaggieMuggins · 19/09/2010 22:56

Oh that sounds like such a horrible situation, onlyone, but one that you are handling really well all things considered! I am very glad in a way that I don't know the OW, have never met her, know very little about her. Although I realise that all must change at some point. Think it's time to get my head out of the sand.

OP posts:
Over40 · 19/09/2010 23:39

WOW Married... your post could have been mine! I agree it gets easier in time. I keep on thinking that it would be awful if my DD and her stepmum didn't get on. I have some real no go areas such as having hair cut and I am lucky that she lives 3 hours away so I don't ahve any chance of bumping into her. In fact she stays away from me as well as when ex picks DD up on the way up north to her gran, the OW (now his wife!) flies up instead. Had to pick DD up from airport recently when ex/OW took DD and their child on hols. No way was I wanting to have to talk to her so I insisted that ex walked DD to the short stay. I had discussed this with DD before and we agreed that a meeting would be "odd" so she was cool about it.

The silly thing is I am now dreading those social events that I would have to be around DD and the OW. Like graduation or wedding. Now DD is 9 so I know I am completly insane as these things are years off! But it would make me sick to my stomach if I had to share a top table with her!

Gritted teeth is all you can do. But feel free to be as catty and bitchy as you want in your head! I do and it's very theraputic!!! Grin

SolidGoldBrass · 20/09/2010 00:52

Try to keep hold of the thought that this woman is possibly someone else in DD's life who will love her and take an interest in her - the more loving and involved adults in a child's life, the better.

brightwell · 20/09/2010 06:00

At least he's discussing hie intentions with you, my ex introduced dc to ow before we split up.
It's not easy, dc would come home from a weekend with their dad, full of the all the things they had done with ow. They would bring home paintings & cakes etc.
The reality (in my case) the ow has been a far better parent to my dc than their dad could ever be. She understands the instructions on Calpol & Tixylix bottles (unlike ex!)

racetobed · 23/09/2010 22:35

Maggie - take a look at the stepparenting topic on MN. Read a few posts and see what it's like from their point of view. This OW hasn't got a easy ride ahead of her either. It's not always fun looking after somebody else's child. I'm not trying to belittle your pain - I know only too well how you feel. My dd is going for a day out with her dad and his girlfriend next week and I know I will be howling the minute they leave.

I don't know your tale of woe but I can guess it's been incredibly painful and hard for you. Just you make sure you stipulate that you and OW meet alone before your dd is introduced to her. OW will brick herself, you will have the moral high ground and remember - one day your daughter will be an adult and can hear the whole story for herself. Stay strong.

Tiddlybear · 23/09/2010 22:52

I feel the same but my ex did not tell me about her, now she is pregnant and due in a couple of months. Still havn't been introduced - I accept that she will be part of there lives.
I want to have a civil relationship with her but ex is not playing ball. So don't know what to do.

Tiddlybear · 23/09/2010 22:52

I feel the same but my ex did not tell me about her, now she is pregnant and due in a couple of months. Still havn't been introduced - I accept that she will be part of there lives.
I want to have a civil relationship with her but ex is not playing ball. So don't know what to do.

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