Finding life as a single mum too hard.

[Bluu]

Emotionally I am struggling, I crave a man around the house to love me and be a father to my daughter. My daughters father and family are not around.
My own family live out of town with hude pressures and commitments so we rarely see each other.

I have been single for 3years and I have spent a very large part of it celibate which is something I am very new to and also struggling with. I am 25.

I dont have any friends who call me or come over. I dont have a social life. I havent seen what the night life is like in 3years. There isnt any one around me to make friends with and I have spent the last year trying, as a parent everyone is very much older than me or my age and very much carefree.

I feel deep guilt that my daughter is picking up how low I feel...i try so hard. I searched playgroups and they are so expensive and I cannot afford it.
I am happy at being a devoted mother till pre-school years (one year to go) I feel like i owe her all my undivided love because family and friends are practically non-existant.

I feel so invisible.

I feel so awful like a bad bad mother. I feel nothing but a dull ache of pain and frustration. I love being a mum so much.
I wish for friends and a family.

Hi Bluu - don't have any brilliant advice but didn't want your post to go un-noticed. Bumping for those with bright ideas.

Aww Bluu - poor you, you sound so sad

Would you be able to afford to get a babysitter every now and then? I've used Sitters quite a lot and found them really good. Where in the country are you?

London. I really dont have the money. And if i did I really wouldnt know how I would completely trust them without having a constant mobile phone call to my phone - I am paranoid...its 2010 and something is always going wrong in the name of childcare.

I live in Hampstead area...everyone is married, its very 2 point 4 children. Its sometimes hard to go out because all you see is family...I find myself rushing home whenever I am out.

Yes I can see how that would be hard. How old is your dc?

Hi Bluu - you are not alone. I'm sure a lot of us have felt, or still feel like this. It does get easier as the children get older but I guess that doesn't help you now.

When I first became a single parent, I started going to mother and toddler groups in the local church halls. They usually only cost £1 to go and you get a cup of tea and some biscuits. It's a really good way to meet other mums.Your local library should have details of the local groups.

The other thing I did was take courses at the local adult college. Again, your local library should have the details. If you're on a low income, many course are free. These places often have a creche on site, so your daughter will be very close to you while you take your class. Again, it's a good way to meet people.

I know what you mean when you say that when you go out all you see is family and you just want to go home. Remember, you and your daughter are a family - worth as much as any other family.

Things will get better - when your daughter starts school or when you go back to work, you will meet lots of people.You obviously love her so much, try and make the ,most of the time you have now while she's so young.

I think you need to be able to explain this to someone in RL. How old is your DD? Are you in touch with anyone at a Surestart or a Health visitor? Can you get support from Homestart in your area?
Or contacting a LP group like Gingerbread might help refer you to a local meet up or support group if the above can't. There must be LP groups in your area.

Blu...so sorry you feel like this...do you attend any playgroups? If you do and feel they're not the best for making friends why not think of volunteering for an organisation?

There are things you can do where you can take your Daughter along...Men Of The Trees is excellent...(for meeting men!) Loads of fun..planting trees and related stuff....have a look at their site!

You are very young and WILL meet a man one day...I dont want to sounnd like that's everything...but it seems to be a big issue for you...the lonlieness...

Since you are in London there are a ton of home school groups there which meet regularly...some of the members are there to hom school younger kids...2 and 3...you could pop to the home ed page here and ask for advice...hope you feel better now

hi blu. also wanted just to say hi and i understand. im ewly a singl mumand its hard. i have found going to bounce and rhyme (free at the local library) a good way t meet people. swimming at local pool with bub cheap and also goodto go at a parent and baby splash time. surestart a really good place to register at too. it can sometimesfeel like such an effort to g to these things but can be good to be ou and about, meet other mums and spend time with your child. i even just go for a coffee if im on my own with my boy just enjoy his company more than anyones!!!! go for it. other mums always want to talk abou their child and so it can be easy to get talking. good luck. here as support anyway.

Hi another single mum here, have you thought about going back to work at all? Even if its a day or 2 a week you might just find the adult company gives you a booost and opportunity to meet some new people. Being a single parent most of the reg childcare costs would be covered through tax credits. I certainly know that working 3 days a week is beneficial to me and although I have felt guilty at times leaving my dd at nursery the pros still outweigh the cons. Also are there any single parent groups around where you are? Might be a good way to meet people. This year I was quite brave and did a wend break away through the singlewithkids.com website and found it was a boost to my confidence to know that I could take dd away on my own and we had a good time!!! Hope things start picking up for you soon

Hi Bluu - been an LP for over 10 years and just found a BF after nearly 5 years (internet dating site).

I have few mates and have found that more than a BF, it was mates I needed. It is hard getting a social life so all the best. You are very young so have plenty of time to meet someone (I'm well into my 40s and it is much harder once you're my age!).

Be strong, you can and are coping

hi bluu, so sad to hear how you feel but i understand 100% and going out doesnt really help. im only 23 and been single for about 9/10 months now and it so lonely, most of my friends dont have kids and they all have a partner so im always the single one which makes going out sad. i dont know anyone where i live and all my family and friends live so far. my son went to pre school but i live in an area where i guess having a 2 year old at 23 is shamed as nobody talks to me and they all look at me. it is hard amd i know how you feel and you are not a bad mum! i know of people who just dump their kids on anyone to go out. you put your childs needs first and that makes you a great mum xx

well i am in nw6 near hampstead and am not married! but am older than you...

there are lots of things on for under fives in london - and espec in nw3/nw6/nw5 areas.

go down to swiss cottage community centre and library check it out. library does rhyme timne and lots of activities in teh week (and weekends)

also community hall in hampstead on teh high street has drop in groups - also other places. check out childrens centre in kentish town (sure start) and stuff on at talacre.

check out local sure start groups etc, church hall groups and so on.

see if kentish town sewimming do a creche.

do something new - join the badminton or other sports groups locally eg talacre to meet other adults. or take up tai chi or kick boxing or climbing at swiss cottage sports hall.

if you want a man above all try internet dating. but a man wont solve your self esteem /confidence issues....you need ot be confident in yourself do somehting for you....

but to boost your self esteem and just meet local people try the things above...

also you need to build confidence in leaving your daughter with someone you can trust. ask HV to put you in touch with local mums too.
to swap baby sitting.

make it your mission this term to join new groups with your daughter. swiss cottage comunity cafe is cheap and they have lots going on in the hall - look on their notice board.
more down to earth than the cafe in the sports centre - but the library at swiss cottage is always busy with mix of people -nannies, single mums/dads etc.

teh gingerbread office is in kentish town - so talk to them...
Gingerbread office
Gingerbread
255 Kentish Town Road
London NW5 2LX
Contact Gingerbread via email

General telephone: +44 (0) 207 428 5400 (Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, with extended opening on Wednesday to 8pm)

Single Parent Helpline: 0808 802 0925 (Monday to Friday 9am-5pm, Wednesday 9am-8pm) free from landlines and the following mobile networks - 3, T-Mobile, Vodafone, O2, Orange, Virgin.

There are loads of SureStart centres around here too - my local one has a softplay and Gymboree session which is free.

It's a tough area to live in when you don't have a lot of cash I agree.

I feel like you sometimes when I go out but the more you do it, the more you get used to it. A lot of the parents at the park are on their own or 'Sunday' fathers as far as I can work out too!

ps dont forget the one o clock club on parliament hill drop in - morning and afternoon sessions again is about £2 and if you really stuck for cash just have a chat with the workers there -

www.nw3kids.co.uk/id51.html for more

ps the playgroups eg in swiss cottage community hall or hampstead high street community hall are NOT expensive - couple pounds.

yy one o'clock club is good. They also run a free creche at my local community centre so you can have a few hours to yourself. I'm in NW6 so may be a bit far for you but sure there is similar in NW3

you more likely to get that in nw5 or nw6 - but depends which bit of nw3... (very posh bit or not?) - tho do check out community centre on hampstead high street for activities - may be worth you while travellign to nw5 kentish town or west hampstead for free or enarly free activities

Please go to playgroups and don't whatever you do feel guilty or afraid to leave your dd with a babysitter. It is good for you and for her. Sitters id a very professional agency.
Join a free dating agency like plentyof fish. I have my first date in two years on Wednesday after meeting him online. Take the plunge and go for it. Butn playgroups are a must. I joined the NCT and have met lots of mums; many of us are single mums. You are by no menas the only one!

Thank you ALL so very very much. It has given me something to look forward to; all these options and playgroup listings. Just when I felt I had exhausted google! I feel a lot more positive. I think for me its when you stop and think and realise that you're slightly stuck in a rut but thankfully this website has enabled me to reach out to local mums.

I think on the man front things will be dire for a while till I get my heels on or pluck up the courage to trust a childminder with my one and only...

P.s Reissmummy you hit the nail on the head. It is such an awkward age to be a mother. I wouldnt change my age for the world nor turn back time and change a thing. I am so glad and feel so fortunate to be a mummy, I just wish I knew some more people like myself...

Thank you again from both me and my DD.

xx

Welcome to parenthood!
same for me and thopusands of others except i did have a life when i was 25!

Hi Bluu

I am a single mum, I had ds when i was 23 and dd 4 yrs later, and lived in a bit of London not unlike Hampstead with lots of middle class mums in their late 30s who had had careers and had husbands and i always felt so left out, judged, lonely and guilty, on so many levels.

i never left ds or dd with a babysitter - even family - when they were small. just didnt feel right. don't worry about it, when they get older it is so much easier to leave them and you won't feel guilty or anything.

i am very happy to report that it DOES get better! these things will pass. for me, it is so much easier looking after the dcs now they are older, i am in my 30s now, i am more comfortable in my own skin, i do get to go out and can leave the dcs with babysitters without any guilt at all (hey - i i need a bit of me-time to recharge my batteries and be an even better mum when i'm reunited with the dcs) and also like another pposter said, going back to work can really help as you meet new people, other adults. i'm still celibate and have been for 4 years but i am sure that will all happen in time, it's not a priority for me.

hope you feel better and my only advice is to be gentle on yourself and know that this difficult time will pass and you will look back and say "we had a few tough years when dd was small" but it won't be difficult forever - i promise x

Good morning

I was just wondering if once registered with SureStart/Childrens Centres - will I then be hounded by the Jobcentre and regulary screened bi-monthly or similar?

I am unemployed and a stay-at-home-mum and I am happy for things to remain this way till she is of the pre-school age where I will go back to University.
I really dont want to be obliged to go to the Jobcentre and be "checked" upon.

....

wellll....i dont know if that is the case.

if you go to one o clock club then you wont be hounded...

but - i think it is fair if you claiming benefits that you also consider potential jobs etc - but given as there arent many jobs around and you have to consider child care etc then it will get complex anyway -

but lots of people do it.

anyway - it isnt that long til she goes to school -and maybe some time away short periods is good practice for school?

actually considering going to work part time even -well it could be good in lots of ways....is good for meeting people, self esteem, confidence etc

sorri - if that sounds like bolshy - but going to job centre for interview if you claiming unemployment benefit seems reasonable pay off....

at 3 you entitled to your 15 hours nursery a week right? so if you could get a job which fitted with that...maybe even in the nursery ?

and why not start uni now eg part time at birkbeck? why wait? will give focus in evenings in to be studying? what do you want to study?

Bluu,

You've had some lovely advice.

Just to let you know you won't be made to look for employment until your youngest child is 7 years old.

You could try Home Start as it is not just for mums/families with ilnesses/disabilities.

They are also there to provide help if you are feeling isolated in your community, have no family nearby and be struggling to make friends.

Have a look here www.home-start.org.uk