Access

[crace]

Sorry so many questions, mind is racing...

What is a fair schedule for access. H works a lot in London, and really can only see them on weekends. But it's not fair that I would never have them on a weekend?

What's fair?

morning crace
my husband sees ds x2 midweek for couple fo hours and all day sunday. no overnight stay. but my friend who has split from h, he has them once overnight on wednesday and every other weekend. think whatever works best for you and ex, every situation different, but bear in mind i think if your h has them more than once overnight per week i beleive it can reduce maintenance amount.

I like the sound of one midweek overnightvand every other, he seems to think several times during the week. I don't want to get the worst of them during the week due to school and my work, I want a weekend as well..

As we will be close to each other I am hoping we can be flexible as well but it's not a very amicable breakup. Married 8 years..

We do alternate weekends so that one weekend I pick up Saturday, the other not until Sunday. That way we both get time to ourselves as well as time with the girls. I usually pick up Saturday morning or Sunday lunchtime. My eldest is at boarding school so on his weekends when she is only home for Saturday night I hardly see her at all. We're always on the phone, text and email though so it's not like we're not in contact.

I don't think being careful about overnights because it will reduce maintenance has the best interest of the children at heart and shouldn't even be a consideration when agreeing access.

It doesn't, he's not the type to leave me high and dry either. It's not what worries me, my kids adore him and he them but it's me that has been there and I am their foundation. I want to spend quality time too.

Midweek visit sounds good and hopefully eveey other weekend. I can't see every weekend even for just one day being ok.

There's no right or wrong answer really.

I agree though that in your case, an alternate weekend with midweek if possible sounds like a good solution.

We'e about to do one midweek night and one night and day every weekend. That wsy we both get time each weekend.

Every other weekend plus half the week as u will be living close by.

To be honest, if he works full time and away there is really not much point in trying to do mid week contact. It will affect his work,he will need to cancel contact regularly which would only lead to children upset and resentment, or if he manages, contact would be about picking up 2 very tired children right before bed time and take them to school next morning.

In such circumstances I would say alternate weekends is fair, perhaps extending it from school pick up on Friday to drop off on Monday morning, that way they get 2 full days with the father. To compensate, allocate for the children to spend long periods of time with their father during the holidays.

You don't say how old the children are, but you could try having one full weekend each (Fri-Sun/Mon) and two half weekends (Fri night to sat night) this means if your ex can't do midweek the children spend some quality time nearly every weekend - I do think a fortnight is a very long time for kids to go without seeing a parent. If he could perhaps do one midweek a month that would really help, too.

He's trying for a move within company to reduce such long hours and going away. If that happens a midweek visit should be possible and I like the idea of alternate Friday to Monday and longer/more holidays as an alternative.

He will always have some amount of late work/entertaining to do and I am not an ogre, we could just switch days or make up for it another day/week.

Lots to think about, we aren't at talking stage yet but I need to get it sorted in my head. The kids need to come first, whatever happens

They are 4.5 and 2... Tanga that definitely seems fair. Another good idea, thanks. I agree at their age it's too long.

Crace, I know someone who has it like this

1st weekend Fri- Mon at dad's
thurs: at dad's
2nd weekend At mum's
Tuesday: at Dad's

With this the children don't go more than 3 days without seeing their dad.

I think it works well when children are young. But it may be a bit problematic, again, for the dad who may find it difficult for an employer to allow such flexibility (My friend's ex was made redundant and has been unemployed for more than a year as he can't find any employer that would allow him the flexibility to leave earlier, arrive later, on this pattern, and even working as a freelance has proven difficult due to commuting times. :()

I believe that the big problem here is that he is working away.

Sounds like flexibility is the answer, doesn't it? I won't be a doormat but I think it's important they see their dad. Nightmare

IME it is worth it to have a very well defined contact arrangement and then throw some ADDITIONAL flexibility on top of it.

In the time before we had the defined contact order for DS, his dad was so informal about contact that it was not that I had to re arrange my plans to work around his "need" for flexibility all the time, I ended up loosing my job and spending more than a year in JSA thanks to him.

The effects on DS were also very bad, he was constantly hurt by his father not showing up or leaving him under the care of other people in contact days. DS was also very stressed out as every time his dad got angry, he would tell us he was changing contact arrangements. It was a living nightmare, stressful for DS because he preferred to be in one house for most of the time, and stressful for me because I knew he was not going to spend that extra time with his dad (dad travels a lot).

At the end, I took him to court for a defined contact order. You can't imagine the relief I felt at knowing that finally he couldn't be messing up with us anymore. That the contact arrangements we had was going to be respected.... It didn't last long, as he didn't get his way, he decided not to see him anymore until he is older. Again more uncertainity than DS needs. I really have no idea when he is going to pop up, he hasn't in 2 months, but with such chaotic behaviour, I don't know when he is suddenly going to come back and what would be the effects for DS.

The only thing that gives me a bit of peace is knowing that it would be very difficult for him to get to have more contact with DS than what is already agreed in contact order, contact that he decided not to have anyway.

Well it's all fallen apart finally so I can begin to move on. The hell of cohabiting while house sells is going to begin but will finalise an access order to cover us both once we are living apart.

Heartbroken, but After 2 weeks of uncertainty and stress I am ready to move on.

Crace what are the current arrangements for the children and how far away are you going to be from each other?

What hours do you work?
Who drop and picks up from school?
Where does your 2 year old go while you're at work?
How hands on is he? (does change nappies, cook etc- If he has a midweek overnight is he prepared to cook bath etc)

What time does your ex get back from his commute? Is there any scope for him working at home and/or being able to do school/childminder pick up regularly?

What is your ex hoping for in terms of contact and changing his hours etc? There's no point in him changing to something that doesn't suit the dc and yourself.

Is your oldest going to heading off to beavers or similar soon? Can your ex pick them up from there perhaps?

There is no right or wrong amount of contact. The challange is finding something that works for you both and is right for your dc.

But yes, you of course should have a weekend with them, especially as you work too. It is not unreasonable to have that. And then you share the holidays.

And if your ex wants more time with them then he will just have to find a job that allows that. It's a 'choice' many resident parents make - part time job/less money for time with the dc.

No current arrangements as we still live together, albeit separate bedrooms!

He's still going away for work and working his usual long hours and we didn't agree to split officially until today when I told him I'd had enough. Looking a rental tomorrow with this in mind.

Anyway- I am a childminder so I work from home 7-7pm and pick up my eldest from reception daily and my two yo is home with me, but will be doing preschool in January.

So I do all the drop offs/pick ups at present. But I still work and although I get to see them, I don't get the best of them. And alone time with them only happens on the weekend. I work, just from home.

My stb ex works leaves for work at 7.45 and back 7pm earliest and usually last train, 11pm. Mid week would be very tricky but he'd make it a priority I am sure to have one night where he would be available.

He's a great dad, just a crap husband and cooking/bathing/domestic stuff is not a worry at all. They'd be in good hands.

I like the every other Tuesday and every other Thursday and then every other weekend as they would then only go three days without seeing him. This as a base only, there would be more flexibility as my children adore him but the every other weekend is non negotiable as far as I am concerned.