Hi all
I?d really value some advice and I?ll try to be brief with the history.
XP is American, I am British. We were living in Asia (moved there because of his work in the financial sector) when I got pregnant. When I was six weeks pregnant, he decided that he no longer wanted a relationship with me, and wanted nothing to do with the child. I moved back to the UK as that is where my family was and also my visa in Asia was dependent on him, so I could not have stayed if we were not together.
Contact was sporadic throughout the pregnancy. He really wanted me to have an abortion and when he realised I would not, he tried to arrange for the baby to be adopted. When he finally worked out I intended to keep her, he would not talk about anything as it ?made him too miserable?.
After DD was born a year ago, he came over for a week as he wanted to register the birth with me. I thought this was a good sign so encouraged him to spend time with us. However, to cut a long story short, over the past year (he has seen her twice since) it has become clear that, although he has now decided that he wants a relationship with DD, he only wants to come to the UK every few months for a few days, but when he is here he wants to see her intensely, eg we all go off on holiday together. Then, in between, he wants me to skype / phone / email on a regular (several times a week) basis so that he can ?keep in touch?. Basically, he wants to preserve his current life but pop in and out when it suits him.
I am torn. I want my daughter to know her father, and understand that distance makes the logistics complicated. His work has an office in London, but ?does not like the rain? so has refused to consider a transfer. To add further complication, DD has been v unwell with a chronic illness. I am exhausted (working nearly full time), also going through the whole range of emotions of a new mum and the break-up of a relationship, and I got a bit depressed and have had pills / counseling through my GP. I know you all know what it feels like to be a LP, esp when your child is sick, so I guess I don?t need to tell you all how difficult it?s been and how angry and upset I have been with XP for just ignoring his responsibilities ? I find it hard to be in the same room as him, let alone go off on holiday together! I would value some help, but him coming over every so often is NOT a help. She doesn?t have a clue who he is and, due to her SNs which he doesn?t know how to deal with, would probably need chaperoning (by me). Sure, when she?s older, they can communicate through other means that don?t require him to be here, but right now I struggle to see how they can establish a meaningful relationship with contact this infrequent.
We?ve been to mediation but it rather broke down as DD was v unwell and I had to focus my energy on her. We are trying again next month.
Thanks for reading this. WWYD? I have talked about this endlessly over the past two years in RL, and I think I know a way forward, but am keen to get a bit more of an objective opinion before mediation starts again.