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Original poster

minimal contact better than no contact????

26 replies

simpson · 13/09/2010 16:59

Hi

Won't bore you with the whole story but basically H (he lives in N Ireland, I don't) came over to see Dcs (5 & 2) this weekend. He comes over maybe every 2/3mths.

He has mental health problems/drink problems.

He was allowed to stay at my mum's and have kids there (supervised at all times) and visit went well (better than the last one when he turned up very drunk) until this morning when all he had to do was get himself to airport.

Basically he got so pissed he was arrested at tube station and my mum was called (at work) and she & my dad spent time in police station/hosp with him.

ATM they are trying to sober him up and get him on plane this eve.

I am going to stop contact for the foreseeable future (how do you explain that to a 5yr old?? Sad)

But do I let DCs have contact over the phone or is it easier on them to have no contact at all iyswim.

And to top it all I have just burnt the DCs tea & burnt my finger taking it out of the oven.

Am not having a good day Sad Angry

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Original poster
simpson · 14/09/2010 15:51

Anyone????

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 14/09/2010 16:50

Hi Simpson

I think you should not stop contact with DCs altogether. I think your parents need to step back and not let your Ex stay with them. Let him stand (or stumble) on his own two feet and allow supervised access with a social worker or whatever these people are called rather than have to get involved yourself.

If possible, a webcam for contact would be good, that way you can see if he is drunk or not well and terminate the contact.

Good luck, he sounds like a handful

Also, hope your hand is better

BumChin · 14/09/2010 19:24

Despite his drink problems is he actually nice with the children? Do they emjoy time with him?

If yes to both I would maintain contact as the other poster said but go for a contact centre.

adnilleo · 14/09/2010 21:06

I agree with the comment beforehand,i would not let ur parents involved either.He needs to grow up and act like a dad.

All the best.x

Original poster
simpson · 14/09/2010 21:53

Thanks for all your replies Smile

It is so hard as tbh he is not even that good when he sees them but I have always thought a s**t dad is better than no dad iyswim Sad

Unfortunately not sure a contact centre would work as he needs somewhere to stay when he comes over and as he is not well enough to work and his family useless (toxic)he will not have money for B&B.

Also as he had almost total supervised visit and still got pissed and did not get plane back goodness knows what he would be like without that iyswim.

God what a mess* Sad

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 14/09/2010 23:28

webcam and pohone contact - til he gets help for his alcohol problem.

not your parents repsonsibility to look after him.

Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 19:11

I just know if I let him have phone contact he will cock that up too by ringing pissed or something a few wks down the line Angry

Have not braved it and rung him yet, he is due to ring DCs on friday so I have to make a decision before then....

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petitfromage · 15/09/2010 20:11

Hi there, I'd be tempted to use skype or similar but only if he logs on at alloted time etc. At the end of the day it sounds like you are doing your absolute best to give your dcs access to their other parent and when they are older you can tell them hand on heart that you really tried. At the end of the day you can't change ex's behaviour and it is paramount that you protect your dcs from the stress and worry that would come from them being exposed to a drink/abusive parent. I think you're doing everything right so give yourself a hug and a break.

Btw I'm in a not disilimar situation although my ex not turning up drunk but a bit off the rails and turns up late, never skpes when he says he will, and is generally a bit crap. I'll always try to keep channels of communication open but ds is my one and only interest in this and all I think is I want to be able to tell him when he is an adult that I did my best. Even if I did chose him a crap dad in the first place...(great dna though as he is v cute!)

Good luck xx

Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 21:16

Thanks Smile

Skype is not an issue as he does not have internet access Sad and he is not likely to be able to get it either....

I feel like I have been wrung out like a sponge Sad Just soooo Angry for my Dcs especially DS (5) as DD (2) is that much younger.

Petitfromage - your comment on fab DNA made me LOL as its soooo true Grin

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Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 21:18

FFS H just rang and totally blamed me (he was pissed) said its all my fault, he wants to be able to ring kids on fri etc...

He will not accept he has a problem because his family say he doesn't (they are all drinkers too)

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Meglet · 15/09/2010 21:22

IMHO a shit dad is not better than no dad at all.

If he has problems they he shouldn't be around the children until he has sorted himself out.

IMvvHO you are prolonging the agony by letting him see the DC's even though he hasn't sorted himself out.

FWIW my dc's (2 & nearly 4) don't see their dad, he is a nasty piece of work and they are better for it I think. He would drag them down Sad.

Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 21:34

meglet - your last post is exactly what I am thinking Sad

It is soooo hard though....

Sorry you are in the same situation Sad

How do you explain it to your Dcs?

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Meglet · 15/09/2010 21:56

I have just told DS (3.10yo) that daddy was very grumpy and doesn't live with us anymore as it's not nice to be around grumpy people Confused.

Personally I feel that I don't want the dc's exposed to someone who is angry and shouty and I want them to know that they do not have to tolerate putting up with people like that and equally that we shouldn't behave like that and expect to have lots of friends. I certainly don't want DS to copy his dad or for DD to think that she should put up with shouty men.

DS doesn't ask after him very often and I do keep the explanations to a minimum as DS is still so little that I don't want to open a can of worms by going into details he wouldn't understand.

I think it's easier for us though as the police were involved on a couple of occasions and I tried to get XP to see them at a contact centre but he refused, so he put the final nail in the himself IYSWIM.

I daresay in 10 years time I will have screaming teenagers slagging me off about not seeing their Dad but, frankly teenagers will moan about anything, I'd rather keep them safe while they are young and hope I can explain it bit by bit as they grow up.

I will let you know if it worked in 20 years Hmm.

Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 22:05

So far I have told DS daddy is not well etc and can't look after him properly etc

It is getting to the stage where I need to tell him more I think esp as I have decided after the phone convo tonight to stop all contact until he gets help with his drinking...

Maybe we should meet up on MN in 20yrs and compare teenagers Grin

In all seriousness though I told H that when Dcs are older they will know which parent has ben there for them I do truly believe this.

OP posts:
Meglet · 15/09/2010 22:18

I have joked to my mum that their savings accounts are actually their therapy saving account Grin.

But I think if it's judged fairly well then children that don't see their dads needn't be messed up by it. I am sure they will always be sad and sometimes angry but as they are older I can explain more about why we split up and hopefully we'll muddle through.

I don't anticipate their dad ever having the balls to sort himself out and be a good dad, although the csa make him pay maintenance, but I think that's all we will get from him and TBH I am glad of the lack of shouting and stress.

Original poster
simpson · 15/09/2010 22:22

PMSL at the therapy accts Grin Grin

I think you are right....

Also Dcs have to know it is unacceptable for another adult (their dad) to be so horrible to me otherwise they will think they can do it when they are older iyswim.

I don't think their dad will sort himself out either Sad

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petitfromage · 16/09/2010 08:56

One thing I have done for ds is to write a journal about our life growing up (ex left first when I was 10 weeks preg then again and for last time when ds was 5 months) so I decided I should write everything down so I can give him a first hand account of our life when he is ready to start to ask questions about why things happened the way they did.

I have no idea what will happen to us by the time he is a teenager - will I be married again, have more children, will he still see his dad - no idea right now, but I want to be able to tell him how it was at the time rather than in 13 years with the benefit of hindsight. I've written bits about him growing up, the story of how me and ex got together (it wasn't always rubbish), what happened when he left - which actually made me think about it properly and with as little bitterness and anger as possible, and how things are now day to day. I only write every few months but I love re-reading it even now as it shows me how far we've come.

Really hoping this might help that difficult teenage chat about why we weren't keen on them seeing ex at times - although knowing teenagers maybe not!!

FYI my ex lives in a bedsit about 2 hours away from us and has a very unstable life - out all night doing god knows what and has no money (he pays no maintenance). He has asked recently if he can have 2 yr old ds over night (he's never had him for more than 3 hours and never outside my house - not because I won't let him, he just has never bothered). Hmmmm. When did it all get so complicated???!! Confused

Therapy account a great idea!

Original poster
simpson · 16/09/2010 10:23

Well H rang last night (drunk) and I told him I would not let him have contact with Dcs unless he went to AA nad tackled his drink problem.

He went whining straight to his family Angry But his sister texted me last night and said I am doing the right thing Shock Shock

Petitfromage - I love the idea of a journal and might start doing that now so everything is recorded accurately etc.

DS has got his birthday party on sat so am going to let him enjoy that then I will have to say something to him I think Sad

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cestlavielife · 16/09/2010 11:14

you dont have to say anything unless ds asks.

respond truthfully to his questionns.

but dont give him info he not asking for

Original poster
simpson · 16/09/2010 11:41

all he knows is daddy is not well atm and cannot look after him properly so may leave it at that for the moment....

DD unfortunately is too young to understand anything Sad

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cestlavielife · 16/09/2010 13:08

fortunately perhaps?

you providing her a happy safe secure home right? what more does she need?

ideally yes a loving daddy - but lots of people dont have one around for many different reasons...

Original poster
simpson · 16/09/2010 13:30

Ahhhh Angry

Have just had the first begging phone call from soon to be ex-- MIL

Saying he is a broken man etc, he loves his kids etc..

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petitfromage · 16/09/2010 14:03

don't you love ex MILs...mine a born again evangelist who prays for me as she tells me when I see her (i'm atheist so obv going to hell in her mind!)

Your ex needs to sort his problems out before he can begin to think about being a parent again IMO. We couldn't begin to parent our dcs effectively if we had a drink problem so it follows that before he can take a responsible role in their upbringing he needs to take steps towards improving his situation first. Just sounds like he may need the shock of things getting worse before they can get better though...

Original poster
simpson · 16/09/2010 22:16

Grrr you are soooo right on MILs Angry MIL is catholic and has also hinted at the praying for me thing

She has now rung my mother asking her to get me to change my mind, saying she is worried what H will do to himself etc Angry

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Anenome · 17/09/2010 00:03

Hi there...so sorry you and yours are going through this! I too think a shit Dad is better than none...is there anyway your e can get it together enough to write the kids a regular postcard?

You could even send him a supply which are already stamped...crap I know but the kids would love to get them...if he isnt in good enough shape to see them and has no skype...at least it would be something and cuts out the risk of pissed phone calls...ask his sister/Mum to help remind him. If his Mum is desperate on his behalf she should blody help him to help the kids know he is thinking of them.