Incredibly scared, please hold my hand

[Mummalish]

I have known about impending split for ages, it has now become a reality and I am so scared. Can't stop crying, have a very sore feeling in my heart and tummy. I honestly have never felt to low, and so desperately frightened.

I never imagined being a single mum, I just cant imagine feeling better.

I can feel a cold nip in the air, which is reminding me that the long dark days of winter will be here soon, and I have no comfort in anything. I am so tired of crying.

How on earth does someone get over this? I am a sensitive soul to begin with, it was bad enough going through a break up being young and single, even worse now that I am mid thirties with a small child.

So sad.

what scares you? what is it you are so fearful of?

i am assuming this was an unhappy relationship as you say you knew it was on the cards. i ended my relationship in august after a lot of toing and froing. i was unsure about whether i could do it all alone. and like you, i was scared. scared of financial insecurity, scared of not coping with dcs, scared of being lonely for a long time.

the fear does go. yes i am still alone but i am learning to use my time in the evenings to benefit me. i don't have to be aware of someone else's wnats or needs when i am shattered. i can have a 2 hour long bath if i want. i am getting to know myself again and i am enjoying it. don't get me wrong, there are times when it would be great to be in a relationship for that companionship and someone to share the burden of being a parent but overall i am happier being on my own.

I am so sorry to hear of your break up, and how upset you are. Have you got any friends or family that can come over and sit with you when your child is in bed?

My marriage ended last summer, leaving me with 2 children under 3. I wouldnt have got through it without my friends - online ones I could chat to at all hours, and RL ones coming brandishing a bottle of wine.

In all seriousness, please look into counselling too. I had weeks of it, which really helped and am now on low dosage antidepressants which help a lot too.

It is hard to get through, I wont lie, it does take a long time, but there will be some smiles again in the future there will.

It feels like I am all alone.

I dont have family, I have friends, but since having my ds, most of my friends are other mums, all in happy relationships. So I have no doubt that they would lend an ear or a shoulder. But I suppose it doesnt take the pain away.

I have been looking at some single parent support sites, but none of the forums are up to date. Look on the Kate and Emily site, and no one seems to be using the forums, same with some other sites.

I feel like I need to talk to others who have been in my situation, because am sure they will know this horrible feeling in my tummy.

Financially things are going to be a struggle too, am just so worried about the future. When you are in a relationship, I suppose you think there is someone looking out for you.

So many emotions going on, and all at once.

You will be fine. It is hard being a single mum but there are so many benefits to being on your own.

Make sure you take advantage of on-line support networks Ane remember that life is what you make it. Being mid-30s means you have a lot of life ahead of you - if you get time go to the cinema alone - I do it often and it's fine. Take a book with you so if you are out you can grab a coffee and read in a cafe - gives you a bit of mystique ;o)

I've been a single mum for a decade and whilst there are times I do miss a relationship, having the whole bed to myself, being able to take total control of my life and my how I bring up my kids is wonderful.

Be strong, you will be fine

Try and get in to see your local CAB this week - I was panicing about being a single parent, but turns out I get some help with certain things to top up my wages which helps keep my head above water, and removes that panic.

Talk to your friends. I found it easier to do in text or email to begin with, but having them pop round once a week with a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on really helped.

Mumsnet is about the most used forum I've come across - there is usually someone around at all times of day and night, ready to listen to a vent

Thank you all for your messages, it feels like there is someone out there to listen.

I know I am not, nor will I ever be the last single mum to go through this.

Sometimes when you go through tough times and you feel rubbish, it's hard to imagine you will ever feel any better, but I guess people get used to different situations, and time will make things better.

I think it's this initial terrified, alone and scared feeling that I want to get rid of.

mummalish, i am sure all your feelings are quite normal and i have experienced some of them too.
i would just say, cry when ever you feel the need and as much as you can and with as many friends as you can! next, don't worry about a years time, 6 months time or anything, just take a day or a week at a time. plan little things/treats to do for you and your child in the next week [if you can], and don't put any great expectations on yourself too soon. it is hard at first but in time you will forget how sad you are feeling now. there is nothing to be scared of really, although i know what you mean... you were able to survive before you met him and you will again!

Just give it time-slow small footsteps to a new and happier you!

My heart goes out to you Mummalish. Friends helped me through my split, and i also went to relate in the early days, as i thought i wasn't coping too well.

This forum is also very good, and has a huge range of threads, so you won't feel alone.

Wine helps numb the pain, and being there for the kids makes you strong.

Set yourself little acheivable goals. My first one was painting the toilet. Daft, but it kept me focused and everytime i had a pee, i felt proud of my handy work.

Your a young mum, look at your DS and be proud of what you've already achieved. Hang in there it does get easier i promise.

one day at a time .

focus on tthe essentials.

It is scary at first, but it does get easier.

Life will be different but it isnt all bad. Be kind to yourself, plan it a day or a week at a time and you will be amazed at what you can do.

I have been a single parent for 2 years and honestly cant imagine ever living with a partner again - i love my own space!

Well everyone say's it does get easier, so I will have to start believing that.

I worry that I will never fulfil my dreams of having a large family, and that I will never have more children.

I cant imagine ever being with someone else, I am so not interested.

It does get easier, although it is more difficult than other heartbreak, partly because you need to continue contact with your H given that you share a child together.

It is entirely natural to feel the way you do, but do believe that this part of the shock of finally making a decision. As the days go by and you start sorting things out, you will get more confident and less afraid.

As for more children, that is a problem for another day, not today. You really do not know how you will feel or what will happen. Don't forget that you were unlikely to have extended your family within an unhappy marriage, so that has not really changed.

Thinking of you.

Friends. Friends. Friends and more friends - they are the key. Don't dismiss any offer of help or a sympathetic ear.

I had a friend going through a divorce at the same time as me - I cannot believe the amount of time we spent together in tears......of laughter.

I cannot believe now I ever felt that low - it will get better.

I promise

Is it normal to be unable to sleep, I feel too afraid to close my eyes. This actually sounds ridiculous, afraid of what?? Just being alone is horrible right now.

My heart is truly broken, and I really am not sure how I will get through this. My dreams have been shattered.

I keep bursting into tears, for anything. All the while my ex seems to be taking it in his stride. I don't understand.

How long before I stop crying every few minutes, weeks or months?

Everyone is diffrent - I couldn't eat, sleep, or function in any way shape or form for the first couple of weeks.

It does take time and a concerted effort - do not wallow, do not drink alone, put the mobile in an inaccesible place, do not text, email, call other than when totally necessary.

Let rip on Mumsnet - their is nothing you are going through that someone has not experienced.

Keep active, exercise, physical tiredness will help you sleep.

Plse excuse typos!

'There is nothing you are going through'

Write down in bullet points what has happened starting from the beginning, list your fears and list your hopes.

Each day you will find something that is no longer so scary, you will find you overcame that problem, you will find you have not cried that day, you will find you have laughed that day.

There is actually a lot of change you will experience and one day your ex will find himself looking at a very strong and capable woman. Start finding a little bit of that strength now.

Dig deep.

mummalish
I know that feeling
I lived with that feeling for weeks after neil died
I never though it would end
its sooo painful, I hear you
I'm hugging you

it does get better
you will feel happiness again
you will sleep again
you will feel string again
you will close your eyes and truly relax again

I know you cant beleive it now but I know its true

'you will feel string again' well you can feel all the string you want but I meant strong

Gosh, thank you everyone. Your words are helping me so much right now, it's just a tiny bit of comfort that I need.

Hello

I am in the same place as you right now. My husband left me a week before I had our son.

I am just taking one day at a time, talking to friends and family, reading a self help book (getting past your past - its v good) and considering counselling.

I guess accept how you feel, know it will take time and be kind to yourself along the way.

Somehow I have managed not to vent at my ex over this, even though in the middle of the night when I am woken by the baby for the umpteenth time I could definitely call and rant at him.

Mummalish Trinity is so right and the end of a relationship is a grieving process. You will find yourself up and down up and down but gradually it will settle down.

I am 8 months in and starting to feel not just ok but much happier - hang in there. I read a lot of self help books too /got therapy did everything to complete this journey as quickly as possible.

Take care