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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Changing childrens names after split

33 replies

whoknows2010 · 11/09/2010 21:32

Hello, dont know if anyone can advise me, I am no longer with my childrens father and want to change my childrens surnames to my own.

I really dont think that my ex will give consent and from what I have read online it is easier to add my surname and make their surnames double-barrelled.

So basically I need answers please please please from a wise MNer out there who knows anything at all about this and can answer some questions-
In theory could I just use my part of their surname(s?)?
would I have to use the whole double barrellled names when filling out forms etc or could I use just my own?
When you have a double-barrelled name which part of it do you use in day-to-day life, ie whould I put my name first or second?
How difficult and expensive is the name changing process and how long does it take?

Thanks for reading this far, any advice, however small really would be appreciated

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2010 21:35

Does he have Parental Responsibility?

Original poster

whoknows2010 · 11/09/2010 21:36

Yes, we were together for years but the relationship ended very badly and were are not very amicable at all so I think he would object to me changing it to mine completely just to be spiteful :(

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 11/09/2010 22:07

It might not be spite though. He might just not want his children to lose his name, which is understandable I think. If it were the other way around, you would feel the same wouldn't you?

With him having PR, I don't think you can change it officially without his permission. Double barrelling it would need his permission too I think.

I also believe that if you started using your name as a "known as" name, although lots of people do this, he could contact the people and get it changed as it isn't their name. You're not actually supposed to use known as names.

Sorry.

Over40 · 12/09/2010 00:04

Actually you can call yourself anything you like without having to leagally change your name. If you want the children to be called by a different surname then you simply have to use it. The only sticking point is any official documantation (bank accounts, forms for school, doctor registration etc) you have to complete in you "legal" name.
Don't know if this helps at all but dependent on the age of your children they might be more or less capable of doing this. Not a big fan on double barrelled myself but each to his own!
I was in the same position as you and actually decided to keep my married name. I never wanted to be a lone parent (who does!) and when the ex left I thought the most important thing for me and her was that we should have the same name whatever that was. I reasoned that I am still me whatever the name!

upsydaisy85 · 12/09/2010 08:44

over40 its actually ileagal to use 'known as' names. That is coming from a solicitors mouth.

Decorhate · 12/09/2010 08:53

How old are your children? Do they want to change their names?

Presumably you were happy for them to take their father's name when they were born. He is still their father...

amberleaf · 12/09/2010 09:02

No advice sorry but i really dont understand why people do this?

I can understand why you would want to cut your ties with him but you have children with him-you cant just erase him from their lives like that.

He is part of them like it or not.

ScroobiousPip · 12/09/2010 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScroobiousPip · 12/09/2010 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tanga · 12/09/2010 17:21

Agree with upsydaisy - it is not legal to change a child's name without the permission of all those with PR for the child, including a change by usage eg just asking everyone to call them a different name. Some people do anyway and get away with it, but it doesn't sound like your ex will allow you to do so.

From the children's point of view, it can be embarrassing - all their school mates will be asking why their names have changed and they get muddled and forget. Plus it puts the school/other institutions in a very difficult position as you are asking them to do something that is illegal. They are supposed to contact the other parent if they are asked to call a child by another name but in practice that is very difficult to do - and if the other parent finds out and objects they have to change it back, with all the fuss and awkwardness that would mean for the child.

And finally - what message are you sending to the children? That they now have to renounce the part of themselves that is related to their father?

pinkbasket · 12/09/2010 17:25

He might refuse to let you change your children's surname to yours out of spite? Why do you want to change them?

TechLovingDad · 12/09/2010 17:28

Agree with amberleaf. I was gutted, not surprised, when my ex wanted to change DDs surname. She didn't want to do it through deed poll, so I just wrote a letter saying I agreed to her changing the name on DDs passport.

Still makes me sad, though. Felt a bit like she was trying to take DD away from me, create more distance.

Pan · 12/09/2010 17:54

Am too seeing this from the other side. When dd was 8, I picked her up from school to find her 'hook' was changed from 'my surname' to a double-barrelled one. No word prior.

I asked and she indicated that she felt dd's name should reflect her (mum's) family name as well. Despite her having v. poor view of her family. She is still registered in my name, as it were, but her mum wishes a 'known by' notion. dd has noo opinion on it, but it isn't in her nature to 'take sides' and I wouldn't press her to. Though I am pretty sure mum has applied some uneven, and possibly unfair, pressure to get acceptance.

yes it did feel v. much like a distancing measure, as if not living with dd wasn't distance enough.

tbh, it was another time of tongue-biting to keep things 'amicable' for dd's sake.

So I guess I am saying, be careful.

TechLovingDad · 12/09/2010 17:56

It also smacked of another instance of my ex using our DD to get at me, even if it was just a reaction. So I sucked it up and didn't give her that satisfaction.

As Pan says, be careful.

Pan · 12/09/2010 17:59

OP - you haven't said why you wish to do this yet. Any particular reason?

amberleaf · 12/09/2010 18:23

That must be hard for you Techloving dad.

When i split with my partner i didnt and wouldnt ever contemplate doing this, their name is part of their identity-their father is part of their make up and despite my not being 'with' him anymore i love them for it.

How a mum is about the childrens father after a break up can affect their self esteem hugely [particularly boys] and being negative about dad by way of talking badly about him, telling children things that happened within the adult relationship [alledged wrongdoing etc] can really do a lot of damage to the children.

They can take it very personally and its just not fair.

OP Your relationship with him is over-theirs isnt.

amberleaf · 12/09/2010 18:29

You too Pan

I really dont agree with this at all,im so glad my mum didnt do this when my parents divorced.

TechLovingDad · 12/09/2010 18:35

It's not great but it's benign compared to being called a pervert and unfit father during the divorce. I have realised that whatever she is called, she'll always be part of me and she is very happy to see me.

amberleaf · 12/09/2010 18:41

Thats awful TechLD.

You sound like a great dad and im sure your daughter will appreciate you and tell you so when shes older.

Original poster

whoknows2010 · 12/09/2010 21:01

Sorry for not commenting for a while, let me try to clear things up a bit.

Me and ex never married but I gave the children his name because we planned to marry after they came along, we have since split and he has very little contact with them.

I am only considering changing their names because they are very little and think it may confuse them when they are a bit older as to why they have a different name to me, plus as another poster commented it could raise questions when travelling etc that I have a different name to them.

I never say anything negative about the childrens dad in front of them as I am very aware how any negativity from me will affect their confidence and outlook on life, everytime they ask about him I try to say something positive and even big him up to them. I just worry that having a different name to me would cause situations for them in the future, but it is very interesting reading other peoples experiences of this so thanks, like I said I am weighing it all up as I just want whats best for the children- I am not denying my children links to their father I was just thinking it would be nice for them to have the same name as the person who is actually raising them :)

OP posts:

Snorbs · 12/09/2010 21:39

I've got a different surname from my mother, albeit because she subsequently remarried after she and my father split up rather than because she changed my name.

It makes zero difference because I just think of her as mum; it's unimportant what her "real" name is because I never see her as such. I can't recall it ever being an issue with offical paperwork etc either.

scarlotti · 12/09/2010 21:43

Fwiw - when I split from DD's dad (who I wasn't married to and who didn't have PR) I changed her surname to match mine. He rarely saw her and it made my life so much easier. DD liked it as we were the same.

Now, 15 years on my marriage to DH (DD's step dad) is on the rocks - we have 2 DS' and DD changed her name legally to his. I wouldn't try and change their names. I will also keep the name probably as I want to be the same as the dc's - this despite nobody being able to spell or pronounce my married name, and my maiden name being really easy

Guess I am in the camp of parent and child having the same name if poss..

piscesmoon · 12/09/2010 21:58

I can't understand why people want to change it. My DS1 has a different surname from the rest of us-it really doesn't matter-let them make up their own mind at 18yrs.The important thing is that you and ex find a way to get on for the sake of your DCs who still have two parents.

amberleaf · 12/09/2010 22:00

"Guess I am in the camp of parent and child having the same name if poss.."

Parent...meaning mum right?

scarlotti · 12/09/2010 22:11

Amberleaf - if I meant Mum then I would be saying I'd revert to my maiden name and change the children's name....

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