long distances and sharing the kids can it work

[belleshell]

Hi just a query really me and Dh split up a few weeks ago, nothing really to blame, we just drifted apart, i am happy to have left DH tell me he is devastated, despite not really communicating or giving a sh*t for last 2 years....

Any hows i have moved into a house with kids near him. we live in the village he grew up in, went to school, all his friends and family live near by ( within a 2 mile radius) non of family have spoken to me for months, friends are frosty, i have got some friends but my home real home with all my support is 100 miles away. i am desperate to go home, but my job is here and so are the kids

ATM we share the kids 1 week each, going a a whole week is hard, but the week i have is fantastic........

i so want to go home, but he said he will fight me, i am livid tonight D|D got in car and said mum if u move home can i stay here. when i asked why she thought that she said dad said your going home and asked us where we wnat to live.

Kids are 8 and 11 i dont think it is appropriate for him to talk to kids about things like that.

please does anyone else have sinilar issues or ways to resolve the distance.

I think it is devastating for any parent to have their kids moved far away.

You seem to be considering moving his kids away but unsympathetic and hurt that your daughter wants to stay with him? Try to see it from his point if view! And your kids point of view too. Do you want to cause them such major disruption?

I'm currently going through contact issues with my Ex, I agree with you that these issues should be sorted out between the adults away from the DC. On the other hand you have to take the DCs feeling into account, and how are either of you going to do that in you don't talk to them to understand how they would take such a change.

This is only my gut feeling and I know nothing about you situation, but you do state it's only been a few weeks since you split up. Thing are going to be raw and up in the air, and you'll be feeling like you really need lots of support, but it's a very big upheaval moving away, maybe worth just giving yourself time to take stock. And both of you working things through after you've worked out who and what you are now.

God I sound so preachy preachy, urrrgh, maybe solve the issues of support you feel you need at this moment rather than look for ways to resolve large distances and the problems that this will bring?

If it goes to court the children will be asked about their feelings and wishes (and by a stranger) and TBH if you are contemplating moving the children both away from their father and everything they know - friends, schools, wider family - you must at some point talk to the children about it? Particularly the 11 year old?

You have to face the reality that there won't be any magic fixes - 100 miles is a long way for kids to travel and it would render the current 50/50 impossible. You'd have to show a court that not only would it be beneficial for the kids to move, but that the benefits were enough to outweigh the trauma of that much of a change. From what you say, that isn't really the case.

The whole family must be in shock right now, as whiteandnerdy says - why not let things settle down for a while, let the kids get used to things (did your 11 year old start secondary school this time as well as everything else?) and then try mediation to discuss these issues.

Hi Belleshell

I can understand how you feel. I live about 60 miles from my ex and every other weekend the kids & I do "the run". We've been doing this for nearly 5 years now.

It is far from easy. Not only is the traveling physically draining, the kids lose a lot of time with their mum. Something which I didn't really fully appreciate. Although we are settled and happy now if I had to do it all over again, I don't think I would.

Right now things will seem hard. In times of trouble we seek safety. And the idea of moving back to your home town must be appealing.

A while back moving back was something I seriously considered. The romantic notion was very appealing. However, take some time and let the dust settle. Think objectively too about what your friends/family can actually do to help. Chances are after the initial honeymoon period, your friends/family will go back to their daily life and help will be limited.

Right now you have a good routine. You get a week off to move on with your life. I assume your ex is a good dad and the kids get to spend a lot of time with him. They will lose all that if you moved.

Finally....given your eldest's age, its far from certain you'd win any custody battle. Your eldest is at the age where courts will take into account her feelings. So if she said "I want to live with dad", given the 50:50 split which is the status quo, I fear the courts may grant residence to your ex rather than yourself.

Its not easy. My ex moved 2 hours away from his kids when he met his new partner. He collects them every other week but they only see him one night out of 14 and it is difficult when there are parties etc that the kids want to attend. I suspect wont be long before they wont want to go at all.

I dont think this is a desirable arrangement for your children and they dont sound as if they will want to be uprooted. Your ex shouldnt be discussing this with them but you need to thing very carefully about what is in their best interests

Of course you should talk to the kids about this. I don't think you should find it surprising that they aren't keen to leave their father, friends, school and wider family on their dad's side to go to a location 2 hours drive away that has nothing to recommend it to them except that you think you'll feel better there
At the moment it sounds like you have a good situation for the kids - think very carefully before you disrupt that, antagonise your ex and potentially alienate your children. Your dd in particular is at an age where she isn't going to take being told what to do well and she WILL stick her heels in.

I think is not OK for your ex to discuss these things with the children BEFORE they are agreed by both parents, uncertainity is a torment for children, more so in the early days after a split. I would be livid to. But check what you have said to your children as it is not ok either to tell them you want to move back, therefore away from their dad, when it's only a possibility.

I think Niceguy2 advice is very sound. I think your reason for wanting to move nearer to your family are very good, but I do also believe that as you are already doing 50/50 it would be practically impossible for either of you to move the children away from the other parent.

thanks everyone, for your comments....... i know i think in my heart of hearts i wont get home, i have hated living for a long time and this contributed to the split but my kids mean everything. i have never told the kids i am thinking of moving back, because im not sure if i can so like u orangerie uncertainty is a killer. that is why i am livid.......

I split from my daughter's father when wh was a baby. When she was 4 we moved (for a variety of reasons)3 and a half hour's drive from her dad. We have made it work. She visits him for a weekend (Fri to Sun) every 3 weeks or so - no rigid plan - and has about half the school holidays with him. I obviously don't know how he felt at the time (or now, I suppose) but we manage well now (10 years on).

It can work, but I think it is too soon after your split for you and your ex to discuss it reasonably or see each other's point of view. The fact that your children are older will make it harder, too.
Hope you come to a decision you can all live with.

belleshell, he should not have talked to the children about this.

i can understand how you must feel. my ex and i split up over 4 years ago, and since then i have wanted to move back home but haven't.

we [ex and me and children] moved to where i still live now as 'compromise' to be close to his family but not too close if you see what i mean! anyway, he has since moved away, an hour away by car to be even closer to his family and mine are still 250 miles away.

i long to move back home but i am so scared of uprooting the children i have never done it. now they are older and it is even harder as they have friends etc and of course their dad [even though he chose to be that far away]. i dont know anyone round here except for friends from work who i only see at work and becasue i work i dont get to meet other mums from school-i am rather stuck. another point for me is that i live in london...i can never afford to do the stuff i know i would be able to afford if we didnt live here but would if we moved to the countryside. i always think the quality of life out in the country would be better for the kids too.
i dont know what my point is and i dont have any advice- but there must be lots of people in the same position, not knowing what to do for the best, hope you find something that works for you.

legostuckinmyhoover, thanks for your comment, i sometimes feel so alone here, i too have friends from work, and do see some mums from school, but i have been torn between here and home for such a long time.

i think i need to work out how to get the best of both and stay until the children are older.

my DS is having the time of his life and during the split i was really worried about him, but he seems to have settled just started high school and is having a ball. my DD is also settled, i just need to sort myself out......

i hope lego... u too find some resolve.

take care

'torn' is the perfect word! in the summer i was driving the kids back to our home after visiting my family...they were so excited to be back home when we got there. meanwhile, i was in tears to be back!

anyway, i have not ruled out moving away in the future as you never know what life throws at you. it would just be so nice to live where i was brought up and just be able to 'pop in' to see my mum or dad etc after work for a cuppa, and for them to tell my children stories about their lives and know them better, without having to drive for 6 hours first on my own.

good luck too in what ever you decide.

Legostuckinmyhoover............

i feel exactly the same, i popped to my mams on thursday night for a cuppa because i was desperate it took me over two hours to get there. the kids were with there dad and i just needed some mum time.

ill cross everything for us both for the future