Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Your top tips

14 replies

stillcrying · 09/09/2010 07:02

It would appear, through no choice of my own, I am now a lone parent. Which is a very strange thing to write. At the moment h is being super dad but I am not sure it will last.

So, your tips on coping would be great. How to make it fun for the dcs, how to get through the day, how to avoid breaking down and howling on the floor when you're trying to cope with everything on your own.

I'm worried I'm going to screw this up.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

anothermum92 · 09/09/2010 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QueenOfLists · 10/09/2010 21:02

Be kind to yourself - don't feel as though you have to be the perfect parent.

Do the minimum amount of housework you need to to keep the place from looking like a pigsty.

Try and get into routines - even small ones like spending 15 minutes making sure you are organised for the following day before you go to bed.
Celebrate your small achievements - even if that's making it through until lunchtime without losing it.
Ask for help and accept it where it's offered.
Try and get some adult company once a week and chat to friends about gossip/TV/anything that takes your mind off things.
Treat yourself when you can - half an hour to paint your nails or read a magazine.
Keep a large chocolate bar handy for the times when you absolutely need it.
Try and stay civil towards your ex - however much you would rather not be. Your dc's will adjust so much quicker.

It is hard and exhausting but you won't screw up.

Supercherry · 11/09/2010 15:31

How many children have you got and what are their ages?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's hard but doable. You will cope.

Lemonstartree · 11/09/2010 15:50

me too. My husband is an alcoholic and he has gone for the last time. I have 3 ds 11,8 & 5. we are ok, but I am overwhelmed with panic about the future...

I try to keep the place tidy and ordered (because there is nothing more stressful than losing the key etc at the moment you need to leave) ;
give the kids jobs to do - encourage them to see that this needs to be a team effort. accept help when I can,
do NOT slag off their Dad and encourage him to see them (he is currently sober atm)
make time to talk to them/be with them individually as often as possible - even if its just for 10 mins.
Be consistent even tho you are all over the place, they have just lost a huge amount of security and will teat the boundaries.
TRY to be calm, patient and let the frustrations out on friends/family. DO get a baysitter every now and then - even if its just for an hour to go for a run/walk/coffee alone.....

it will be ok, and you will be ok.

good luck

Supercherry · 11/09/2010 18:46

Lemonstartree, you sound like a survivor and a brilliant mum, you'll get through this.

You know what the most rewarding thing is? When you look at your children, and you've had a good day and you think I did this all myself and you can feel proud of yourself.

Someone told me today what a good mum I was- it's made my day.

Supercherry · 11/09/2010 18:53

My top tips are:

Plan the week and aim to socialise. Try to get out of the house every day. Try and meet as many friends as you can or if you can't meet, even just a chat on the phone.
Have a good routine going and be organised, use little 'To do' lists and tick them off as you go along so the house doesn't get on top of you.

3). Go easy on yourself.

4). When the kids are in bed, if you haven't got someone round and there's nowt on the TV, read a good book or mumsnet or pamper yourself, whatever helps.

Always accept offers of help, try and get regular breaks.

Original poster

stillcrying · 11/09/2010 22:18

Thanks. They are 5 and 3. Utterly and unspeakably lovely - dd is a darling, ds a bit prone to whining but suspect it is a natural part of being 3. Problem is I've always been the impatient one. Their dad is much more tolerant. So now, while I'm stressed, I find myself snapping much more readily then bursting into tears. it feels like such a responsibility being on my own with them. All the decisions in the past were joint ones and now he's gone I'm on my own.

OP posts:

cardibach · 11/09/2010 23:40

It can be tough on your own. As others have said, be nice to yourself, don't worry too much about housekeeping and make sure you find time to see friends.

Don't lie about what has happened - answer their questions truthfully and at the level they need (this is HARD - the truth and how you, in your hurt state, see are different things!). NEVER criticise their dad.

Do you work? This makes some things easier (finance, social contact) but others harder (finding time for everything).

Good lucck. You'll be fine.

Supercherry · 12/09/2010 08:41

Even the most patient people can struggle to keep their calm at times of stress so don't be hard on yourself right now.

You need to do whatever you can to relax and recharge your batteries. Do you have much family help? You say your XH is being helpful at the moment? Well that's good.

Take one day at a time. If you're worried about snapping, try pretending you're on TV and everyone is watching. If you feel yourself getting very stressed, make sure the children are safe and go and have a breather in another room.

I find getting out the house helps lots. Take your little boy over the park, take lunch with you. He will enjoy himself, you can both get fresh air and you won't have the mess in the house.

Don't be afraid og going to the GPs and getting some medication to help you through. It's better than suffering.

katerum · 12/09/2010 22:09

I went to doc's, am on AD's.

So, so glad i got help.

I too was the snappy one. because I had all the bloody responsibilities!

Go easy on yourself, def. go to the doctor to gauge if what you feel is normal.

It doesnt help much, but i have been where you are and turned the corner.

You will be fine.

All my best.

Original poster

stillcrying · 12/09/2010 23:19

Katerum - what is normal? I think I'm ok, am fairly sure I don't need ADs but am v aware that further down the line it might be helpful.

The "on tv" point is a good one - I do try and remember that, but it's easy to forget.

I think the children and I need to work out some new rituals and special traditions - things we didn't do before that are special now. Maybe tea in front of the tv in our pyjamas on a Sunday sort of thing?

I do work. That helps plus I have fantastic childcare, their school is wonderful plus I have parents, friends and in-laws falling over themselves to help. So it could be a lot worse.

We will be ok. But I am afraid of being lonely - I used to think the only thing that made the bad bits of parenting tolerable were having someone to share them with, and now I'm on my own.

OP posts:

Supercherry · 13/09/2010 08:28

You can share the bad bits with us :)

readywithwellies · 13/09/2010 11:51

Don't trust the Ex, stay civil but don't trust him. Keep him at arms length.

katerum · 14/09/2010 20:41

I mean what is normal in this situation, some snapping, some crying etc. but if everyday is a bad day, thats not normal.

I know what you mean about the sharing thing...cant even share the good bits now, they did this or that...

For what its worth, if your DC could have any mum, it would be you!

Trust yourself!

Flip