How do you not become bitter and resentful?

[MuffinsMummy]

Hi

DH and I split up just after DD3 was born 2 1/2 weeks ago. He decided to stay at a friends for a few days to give us a break but has now said he won't be coming back.

Things have been bad for a little while as a result of a number of things but I didn't actually think we would split! He had older DDs on Sunday for a couple of hours and is having them tomorrow after school but I am starting to feel really bitter towards him!

Every time I try and eat or have a bath DD3 wakes up and starts crying. I keep thinking of him sat at his mates drinking and playing on the playstation! I see him and just feel hate at the moment! I feel really hurt and want to hurt him in return :( I have even thought about telling him he can't see DDs but never actually would as it would be punishing them.

Why it is so bloody hard!

ahhh muffins that really is shite!!! who would leave 2 weeks after having a baby?? spineless!! ok so im not being helpfull but just wanted to say!! do you have anyone who could come and give you a hand? or alternatively a battery opperated swing could be a god send for when you want to eat or need your hands free,

MIL is really good with DD2 (DD1 is DHs DSD) and has offered to have DD3 but as I am breast feeding she has to stay with me really. She occasionally has DD1 but she also has DHs niece quite a lot and they have a habit of arguing!

I have got a swing but it only works when I am not trying to do something :) I had a very quick bath earlier and left her in there and she cried the whole time. She also cried when I was cooking dinner and Reading older DDs bedtime stories. When I was sat doing nothing she slept like a log!

Hold on in there MuffinsMummy. This is really tough and shitty to be left now. Your husband does not sound like a great loss. What a waster.
Now, to the important thing; You.
You have two other DDs so you know that babies just won't let you have a minute to yourself to try and keep your sanity, but also that very slowly things get better and easier.
Try and keep your sanity you must, so when you need to have a shower, don't take your baby with you in the bathroom, put your baby in her cot, tell her you're going to have a shower and that you'll see her when you've finished, close the door and go. If she cries for the 10 or 15minutes it takes you, it isn't nice, but she is safe. if she is still crying when you go back to her, a big cuddle should put it right. It is not bonkers to speak to babies (or children) and explain to them what is happening by the way.
For other things you need to do like cooking, cleaning, etc. put her somewhere where she can see you, put some nice music on, and get on with it.
I am not an advocate of just letting babies cry, but you are sole in charge at a very difficult time and you have to be able to function.
When you are doing things with your older DDs, well that's quite a difficult one, because they need to be able to concentrate for things like reading, and they also need to feel that you are also available to them. Could your MIL, or a friend, or a nice neighbour's older child drop in after school and look after your baby so that you could give your DDs undivided attention for a few moments? (and have a chance to grab something to eat at least once a day?)
Everything will settle down eventually and you and your daughters and your baby will all adapt.
I think you sound lovely and very brave so I know that everything will be ok.
Make sure you go out and talk to people every day, but the school run should cover that?
Keep us posted, I will look out for you.
I wish you the very best

You find a healthy outlet for your anger and resentment otherwise it will eat you up inside and your children will suffer for it.

Excercise is good - a run, a session on the crosstrainer or if you don't get any time to yourself, a few minutes battering buggery out of the sofa when they are in bed.

This has only recently happened so it is natural at the moment to feel bitter and resentful. Give yourself time, keep the DC's interests at heart and soon the bitterness will pass and you will be left feeling liberated, strong and happy that the arse is no longer your problem.

Thank u for the replies.

I feel like I'm all over the place at the moment! I go from feeling ok to crying then I feel angry or scared! If I have to tell people, midwife/health visitor and teacher, I nearly start crying!

He is the type of person who can't be on his own for long so I keep thinking about when he meets someone else and how that will make me feel, he has already told me it will happen sooner or later!

He asked me the other day to make some porn for him as he was feeling horny! When I went mad he said fine he will get someone else to do it and it's better than if we had sex as that would complicate matters!

I just want to start feeling sane again :(

OMG. This guy is some piece of work! You may not believe it now but your life can only get better the less involvement he has in it. Refuse to talk to him about anything other than the children because he seems to be playing with your mind and wanting to hurt and humiliate you as much as he can.

You need to give yourself time to get angry and sad, and then you will feel sane, relieved and happy.

Mehh, I don't know much other than my own experience. However, having split up with my partner, DS3 wasn't even a year old when I moved out. My gut feeling is, most of the time it doesn't just fit into perfect partner turned into emotional wreck by cold calculating callous and selfish other half.

Most relationships I know of are about two people each giving of themselves to another in forms of say time, effort, money, support. I'm guessing the reason I got bitter and resentful is seeing all that collective effort and time simply evaporating away, and being totally unable to do anything about it. I mean what a bloody waste, so after blaming each other for the collective failure, and blaming yourselves for the collective failure, you have to move on. And it's emotionally hard for both parents, maybe harder having to cope with kids at the same time, I guess it depends upon how your head works. But it's very difficult not to find yourself or your Ex doing really really REALLY dumb stuff. Just try not to and do as much to protect your children from two adults that are going to act like idjits to each other from time to time.

After finding support and understanding from friends, and family, the passage of time you kind of find your sanity again. And looking back you find, something good did come out of the relationship, personally I've got 3 DS and some good memories as well as some bad.

Goodness I do waffle on!

Do not give in...what's the betting he'll be back when he's lonely (and nobody mention bloody Christmas).

It takes a year for each year you were together to get over somebody so this isn't going to be easy...however he really does sound completely beneath you.

The best form of attack is revenge.Look after yourself,get your money sorted and have your friends round (a lot).You'll have 3 happy children a good life and be gorgeous and he'll be at his mates playing Playstation possibly after having made someone esles life a misery.

MuffinsMummy, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be shockingly difficult.

It probably doesn't seem so now but justonemorethen is spot on with her post.

His comment about your making him some porn says more about him than anything else ever could. That, and him leaving you, when his child is just weeks old confirms you're better off without him.

As catherinedenerve says, you know it will get easier as DD3 gets a bit older. They're very clingy when they're breasfed. You could try putting her in cot when you have a shower and putting a T-shirt of yours beside her - one that smells very strongly of you. Your smell will reassure her.

You don't say how old your older children are but, if they're in school, put DD3 in the buggy and go for a brisk walk and breathe deeply. In through your nose, out through your mouth as you hold in your tum and your bum.

I can remember it well. Whenever I sat down to have my dinner, my DD would want to be fed. Up until the point I sat down, she was fine!

Keep posting your thoughts on MN. Lots of really sympathetic and empathetic people here who are happy to help.

Every good wish.

What an appalling man.

What a shit. Make him do take the children even if he has left you. Why should he skip off merrily while you have 3 children one a baby?

I agree that it will get easier. I only have two kids and the youngest was 1 when I left their dad, and it was hard enough. I feel for you. Things have got easier though...

I really sympathize. My nasty xp left in April when baby dd was a week old.I have 4 older dc,too.
He's not been seen since.

It is very hard going at times.I am bitter and resentful a fair bit...Luckily for me,my eldest dd's are 12 and 14 and help out a lot when at home.

Some good advice on here.I would agree with catherinedenerv ,and also add that it can be a good idea sometimes to put baby in her cot just for 5 minutes or so to breath - walk down the garden,go up/downstairs,whatever - just to keep in contact with yourself.Several times a day.

I would go totally loopy if I didn't do this,and would then be no good to any of them!

Nearly 6 months on,things are easier in some ways,more challenging in others.
MN is a lifeline for me.
Loads of good wishes to you.
Keep posting.

I'm 18+months after xh left me with dss 4 + 7. I;m more angry now than i was when he left. He is living life of riley while i sacrifice the next 10 years at least for my kids. They are great kids but bloody hard work. I am bitter and twisted and mega anti-men. Everywhere i look, every woman i talk to i see/hear about selfish men. I read your post and am so angry for you. Men are shits, with rare exceptions.

I'm not helping am i but i wish you all the best. Forget about him and get together with girlfriends you can rely on. you've a lot on your plate so accept all the help you can get. Take care of yourself. You are a hero and your daughters will appreciate that when they are old enough to understand.

its normal enough to feel bitter and resentful. is also normal to see what complete tossers your ex's are when their true colours are seen - you then just pity them - or not. either way, bitterness is replaced by relief that theyre long gone:o

you can then get on with enjoying life with your kids - even if your ex's didnt want to.

Just think; What would you rather; playstastion and a bunchy of crappy man mates or your georgeous son?

Job done!

Think: he gave you some decent genes; now he wants to fuck off but you get to keep your baby. He's the looser so fuck him. He'll be the bitter one in years ro come.

Girls in the end; men want sex and women want babies.Everyone's happy.ish Please don't be bitter. Enjoy your babies and find some better men. Don't be bitter. Enjoy your kids. Those men can do whatever but they won't have what we have.

Nothing wrong with bitterness and resentment at all . Completely natural in the circumstances, and no harm to really feel what you feel and not try to plaster on a smile and pretend all is balmy. But try to see something positive each day and appreciate it for its goodness.

You are so much better off without this 'man'. You've been thrown in the deep end and it's very hard right now, but each day things will improve -- the baby will settle into a routine, eventually you'll get some sleep, you'll have the smiles and the sweet baby laughter and the first steps and all those gooey little kisses and all that pure affection that babies bring.

He will have his smelly, hairy mates and nothing to keep him warm but his own farts.

Have you considered a sling of some sort to carry the baby around while you go about the daily routine? Some babies love them, and you can wear them back as well as front to allow cooking, hoovering, etc.

Watch out for your own health, don't overextend yourself, and (yes, ha ha) get as much rest as you can. Eat as well as you can manage to. Deal with PND if you think it's rearing its ugly head. Don't be afraid to reach out for whatever household help there is available; ask your HV.

Don't send your DDs off with their dad if they have any sort of objection to it, no matter how you could use the break.