Help for my Single Mum Friend with Intimidating Ex -child's behavioural problems

[Kittykat13]

Hi I'm new on here, and I have heard a lot about mumsnet, I thought I would ask for help because I don't have much experience of what my friend is going through. At the moment she is in a desperate situation. I thought I would ask for some help please.

My friend and her ex partner will have to go to court to obtain a residency order for their daughter. I am asking really for practical help to help my friend deal with her child's behavioural issues during this time.

For example, my friend went to collect her child last night after a visit to her Dad, but the little girl did not want to come home. She is only 7, and had a big tantrum!!!! Her dad did not help, he just said 'this is what she wants I'm not making her go' and then started to argue with my friend, and he is very intimidating, she is scared of her ex. So, my friend tried to pick up her daughter so they could leave, but the little girl just screamed, and started kicking and fighting, so my friend had to let her go. Over an hour of persuasion had passed, it was almost 10pm, and the tantrum escalated. To end the stress, my friend agreed to leave as long as her ex brought her home this morning instead. He was meant to have taken her home last night, but instead insisted that my friend had to pick her up, I feel that if he had taken her home as agreed, then the situation could have been avoided.

How do you deal with that kind of challenging behaviour? the child knows she can play up and get what she wants, as her dad never says no to her. When her mum left, the little girl was happy as she had her own way. The trouble is, she was meant to go back to school today, so she was meant to go home, now will miss a day and the situation is much more stressful than it has to be. How do you discipline children in those situations? this happens after every visit, and every time she goes past her ex's house on her way to school. It's very distressing and my friend is really worried about the effect on her little girl.

Her daughter is too young to understand what is going on and is only reacting to the situation, but unfortunately every time she tantrums her Mum has to give in, so the tantrums are getting worse and she is getting very confrontational. Shouting, kicking, hitting

I have a son, and I can deal with his tantrums, but I'm not in that situation so I don't know what would work. As my friend is alone and does not have many friends or family nearby, I was wondering if she should ask a social worker for support? I know people fear social services, but my experience of them when I needed an operation and my son was a toddler was excellent, they organised child care for my family and were very supportive.

Any advice is greatly appreciated, thanks.

The ony constructive thing I can think of is NOT to give in to the tantrums. Ever. This is only teaching her dd that tantruming works. She is only 7 - surely it's easy to pick her up mid-tantrum and bundle her into the car/bus/whatever. Particuarly as this one tantrum has effectively meant her missing a day of school.

Oh your poor friend, what a situation. I had similar with my ex and that got resolved via the courts.

I don't think SS needs to be involved at the moment but certainly if her daughter continues to miss school they may need to. Certainly the school will want to know why she didn't attend - it may be they can point your friend in the direction of help and support.

I agree that she mustn't give in to tantrums but I understand that she feels intimidated. Perhaps the thing to do would be take someone with her when she goes to do pick ups - to give her support and stand up to her ex. Would that help, do you think?

From a discipline point of view, when her daughter has tantrums like this then best thing to do is pick her up and put her in the car and ignore her until she calms down. Let her rant and rave but she also needs to understand that she won't get her own way by doing it.

Just to add, no doubt the ex will be enjoying causing problems and stirring things up, not thinking of the effect it has on his daughter.

Another thing to bear in mind - get your friend to make a note of all the unreasonable things he does.

If it comes to court (and that might be best) then the courts would take a VERY dim view of him keeping his daughter away from school.

family mediation with a trained family therapist - with both parents and child in a room with the therapist...

what is the current arrangement?
why did she leave him?

i dont think she is too young - she knows exactly how to wind up her mum...

her dad isnt helping - but they need to go to mediaiton to agree which days with who and agree on how to do handovers.

Hi thanks for your replies

My friend did arrange for mediation, but her ex was not interested..... They separated a long time ago, but my friend thought it would be good for their daughter if they tried again last year. However it didn't work out well, he had been cheating (again). Now at least she found someone else, but it's early days.

I went with her last night for moral support to collect her daughter. I waited outside, but when the tantrum began I said she should pick her daughter up & try to leave - but then the screaming, kicking and scratching began, and I think my friend was worried that it would look bad if she 'dragged' her from the house.

My instinct is that it's ok to pick up your child & hold them mid tantrum? I know it look terrible, but most mums understand. My son has massive tantrums, but I had doubts last night if it's ok to take them like that. I'll let her know it's ok if it happens again. Thanks

My friend's solictors said there should be no contact, because of his threats & harassment. But she felt guilty as her little girl naturally wanted to see her dad. Legalities only began because he kept his daughter and stopped my friend from seeing her for 8 weeks, my friend lives in fear she will lose her daughter. I wish I could help more, but yes I'll tell her she can get advice from the school - thanks everyone for your help.

it sounds very complicated.

the poor child.

on again / off again - then 8 weeks just with dad - no wonder she puts up a fuss - guess she just wants stability....

threats and harassment to the other parent won't prevent contact between father /daughter - it has to be shown the child was made to wintess this or put in danger etc...

and if she was well cared for for those eight weeks then what ?

could you do the pick ups drop off for a while? i.e. would the child go with a neutral third party (though maybe you are not neutral enough...)

what is dad asking for ? full residency with contact with mum - or is he agreeing to shared residency?

Hello

yes it is v.complicated, I think my friend has been told by the solicitor to wait until the court makes the arrangements. I think she will take their advice now, as the little girl sees all of it, she wants her to see her dad, but not the aggression at pick up time etc.

I don't think the little girl came to any harm at her dad's - more like left to her own devices. He must love her a lot, but he has alternative views when it comes to child care.

I'd offer to pick up the little girl, but it I don't think he would co-operate. I'm happy to go with my friend & help though, but after this I think she will do as the solicitors have asked & wait for the hearing.

Fortunately the little girl is back with her mum now, so I'm hoping she will get some stability. She will have her hands full dealing with the tantrums!!!!

I think he wants full residency though! I don't know how likely that is, as my friend has mostly been a single mum all these years. She's terrified she could lose her, or that there will be another time that he won't let her pick her up (the 8 weeks was another occasion, he wouldn't let my friend in the house, or let the child out) This time it was the tantrum, but this has been going on 9 months. It's just awful

why would she lsoe her? does he have something on her eg very severe mental health issues, poor parenting?

all being equal surely the starting point would be 50-50?

Echo cestlavie - is there a chance her ex will get full residence, or has he just convinced her there is, iyswim?

If she has been main carer for DD it is highly unlikely he would get this, unless there is a very good reason why not. Things like PND, depression etc don't count as a good reason for example.

I have been through courts for residence so have some experience - feel free to ask.