Ok, so what do you think about introducing new partners to children?

[Supercherry]

How long should one wait?

I doubt I will have a relationship for a while yet (just dipping my toe in the water with dating) but if I were to meet someone I think waiting a year sounds about right to me.

My ex was declaring his love for me still last week, well, when he wasn't texting abuse and calling me a c**t! Today when I dropped the boys off, he said to DS1, for my benefit, come on DS1, I've got someone for you to meet.

Don't get me wrong, this is preferable to any animosity, but say, on the offchance he had met someone, would I be reasonable in asking him to wait before involving the boys?

I would really, really want to meet anyone who would be hanging out with our children- is that right of me? I jst want what's best for them and as long as she was nice to my boys and pleasant I wouldn't have a problem.

You could ask him to wait but you can't make him wait and from the sound of it he wouldn't anyway. You can't expect to meet her either you just have to trust him to do the right thing for the kids, which is easier said than done, I know.

Oops forgot your first question. How long would really depend on a lot of factors eg kids ages, how the relationship between you and 'him' was developing.

I split with my kid's father over ten years ago now. They're 16 & 17 and my daughter knows I've signed up to a couple of dating websites.

My ex introduced ow to dc a month before he left. Nice.

If I waited a year I'd never be able to have a relationship. I don't get a break from my ds (I'm his only parent) and it's hard enough finding people to have him when I need to work let alone any other time.

Also if a new partner wasn't asking to meet my ds then I'd be a little concerned. We are a package and the sooner they realise that the better.

Of course ds is so desperate for a father figure in his life and has begged me to get a new man that I would be wary of introducing anyone to him in case he thought this was to be his dad and get his hopes up again.

So for me now, it's just not the right time or situation to be looking. Though I don't anticipate that ever changing either now for a number of other factors as well as these.

But OP if you have lots of support and time away from your dc then you will be fine building a relationship without them needing to be aware in the early days.
However a year seems quite a long time to be dating someone before deciding it's serious enough to meet the dc. You should always be willing to change that if it seems appropriate at the time.
Imagine all the things your new partner will miss out doing with you as a family, and the bonding time with the dc you will all miss out in excluding him for a year.

If you are only seeing someone new without your dc around then they are only seeing part of the real you. A part of you is also a mum and a capable home maker.
You wouldn't want to invest a year and have him turn round and say the dc are actually a deal breaker now would you...

Only you can judge how serious a relationship is and when it is time to introduce your dc. But a blanket 'wait one year' doesn't sound like the right solution to me. It really depends how much time you spend together, how well you know each other, and how serious it is between you.

I agree - take each situation as it comes. I think it's one of those things you will use your intuition for. A guideline of a year sounds okay as you could think about it, but don't beat yourself up if it feels right earlier.

For me I would keep meetings brief at first. If the relationship seemed to be becoming more serious then I'd think about having longer contact, letting DS build up a relationship with new man etc. Before I knew a relationship was going somewhere I'd be reluctant to let DS build up a relationship with someone, in case things didn't work out between us and I didn't feel able to remain friends.

XP has introduced DS to new girlfriends as soon as he meets them :( and it's annoying sometimes watching him be all carefree and stuff, whereas I am being so cautious and it has affected relationships I've come close to having. But really I have to put DS first and having him living with me 80-90% of the time, that is the price I pay, and I guess when you look at it like that it is worth it.

Someone decent will respect your wishes re your kids anyway and be happy to stick with your timetable, though I agree with the poster above who said they'd be concerned if they showed no interest at all, never asked about them etc.

I think a new partner should only be introduced to children when and if they are a pretty permanent fixture. My boys have been introduced to a variety of women by my idiot ex, all of whom have disappeared soon after. As for you being allowed to meet a new partner-of course you should, if she is going to be acting as 'Mum' while your child is with the Dad. No-one gets to bath my kids or tuck them into bed unless I have met them and am happy with it, or if my boys are happy with it. Sadly, in my experience, men dont seem to get these points - I was told, through my then 4 year old son, it was 'none of my business' - sorry love, if this woman is being surrogate Mum to my boys it is my business! Gets easier as they get older as my 2 now refuse to see their Dad when he has a new woman they dont like.

Charlieliz - If I went with what you suggest then I'd never meet anyone as my ds is always with me. That works fine in a situation where the parent gets free time, but not all of us do. In fact if I want to meet friends or have a social life of any kind it has to be with him there too. As you can guess I don't have much of one, and no love life.

When do you decide someone is a permanent fixture? Is it not normal for children to see relationships come and go on some level if it is in moderation? And that just because you have a male friend doesn't mean you are planning on moving in together. The dc need time to adjust to the relationship too and if you only ever introduce them to men with high expectation I think that might put quite a lot of pressure on everyone.
And no I don't think you should expose children to every partner than wanders in and out. But they need to see it's normal to date too. Even if they don't meet those dates they should at least be aware of them on some level if you've been seeing someone for a few weeks.

Some really good points here- thank you, you have all given me something else to think about.

Gillybean, your situation sounds really hard, I'm sorry for that, and I can see why you would have to approach relationships differently.

I suppose all we can do is aim to do our best with our given situation.

Just to make it clear, I wouldn't hide the fact that I have 2 boys- I would make that clear early on, but I wouldn't want to confuse my boys or hurt them by allowing them to form bonds with someone, only for that relationship to end.

I based the year on being able to get to know someone. IME, I've found that men are very different at the beginning of a relationship but usually their true colours begin to show around the year mark.

I know I sound like I am carrying baggage- that's because I am! That's also why I don't envisage anything serious in the near future.

Brightwell

I don't have a social life is the point! I have dated and my boys have known about that but not met anyone as it hasnt gone that far. I do have male friends who they know though. My trouble is my ex has a habit of moving girlfriends in too quickly so one time the boys go up there is one woman in his bed, and 6 months later its another one. i dont think that is showing 2 males how to behave as an adult - and they hate it. I have had no life outside home and work for 10 years apart from a few dates as my boys were young and more important -plus I very rarely get any free time anyway. Now my boys are heading into their teens I can see things will start to get easier, and for me, I am glad I concentrated on the boys - to be honest I think its usually the men who seem to get into new relationships quicker -beacuse they have the time plus they seem to 'need' a partner whereas we women are better at getting on with life by ourselves.

I waited 7 months to introduce my partner to DS and that felt like an appropriate period. I'd been a lone parent for 9 years before that, dating but never introducing DS to anyone as it never felt right. It wasn't based on a length of time, more a gut feeling.

Even so, I introduced DP as 'Mum's friend' and it was seen that way for more than a year after they first met. DP still lives in his own place, I'm not ready to move in with him even after 2.5 years. I'm probably much more cautious than other lone parents I know, but I've heard too many accounts from adults who have been left confused and unsettled after serial father figures have arrived and left. I would have been happier being celibate than put my son through that.

I was fortunate in that I've not had problems with finding childcare. Obviously it has to be considered, but the overriding factor should be your child's best interests, not the practicalities.

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child. I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children.

I feel for you so much armywife1. my ex is still with the girl he was having an affair with when we broke up. i found it very very hard and forbade her from meeting my daughter but when I met someone else, my ex used it as leverage to get my d to meet his new gf. i have made it clear i never want to be in the same room as her and he knows better than to try to push it but my daughter does have a relationship with her and is obviously quite fond of her. i have had to come to terms with it, knowing that actually my daughter is benefitting from having someone else in her life who cares about her. I can say all this as it's been over 3 years since we split and it has been a long road to get here. You probably already think this but it seems very very unlikely that she has only been on the scene for a short time and given she is having a baby with him, she is going to be around for some time to come.

from someone who has been there, my advice is this: stay strong. remain dignified and try to rise above it if you can. even though you want to scream in his (and her) face, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you behaved like the crazed ex wife. you have done nothing wrong and as long as that's the case, you will always be the better person.

ask yourself do you really want to stop them meeting her because you want to see them settled first or is it really that you want to put it off and that seems like a good "reason". much as it broke my heart, I had to take a step back and think about what was best for my daughter. you may not want to hear this but your children are about to get a new baby brother or sister. do you want them to resent you later because you stopped them meeting their new sibling?

please understand I DO know how you feel. But as someone who learned the hard way, I can tell you that the sooner you find a way to detatch yourself from his "gameplay" and put the kids first, the less painful it will be - for everyone.

much love and the very very best of luck