Access opions please

[roundthebend4]

I am going to solictor tomorrow to get official advice but am thinking how does this sound to other people more background is available on other thread

he would like monthly contact for 4-6 hrs which I'm happy with did offer more as in fornightly ir even weekly but due to distance and money he prefer monthly were about 40 mins away by car

Will give him all dates if ds3 appoinments if he wishes to attend or will send him copys .will also inform him of all school dates fir events in case wishes to come

will allow as much phone contact as ge wants

Though for physical contact ATM due to ds3 having Sn non verbal Gdd epilepsy that it is somewhere that I'm in vicinty though not in his face so if he took to zoo etc I'm there but tucked away somewhere where he can call and u deal with emergencys.This is only till ge gets some training and does signing course so can communicate with ds3

once done the course and confident that he can cope with ds3 without help then will back of

He has nit seen dc for 9 months due to me moving then he moved and contact was lost no address fir him etc

Contact made in June tracked him on Fb was going to see dc but I asked that for first few visits he came without current gf but he then refused told me nit to contact then had letter requesting contact as above

Does this sound fair am aware that ds3 has no real opions have enough problems with him remembering what he done yesterday and being able to say so do know ge will struggle with contact at first he functions around 3 year old ge is 5 with no speech

Also days out who pays for food should I insist ge deeds them ir pays towards

Previously ds1 used to go and I would give him money to feed all 3 of them

this is confusing. cant work out what you're asking

does he pay csa?

Yes but legal minimum as on benefits so £2.50 a week I used to supply money for food when he previously had contact with dc as he said can't afford to feed them

Ds1 is my son not his but he used to go along to help look after ds3

am asking if what i'm offering sounds reasonable in terms of contact etc

he is not asking fir overnight etc as he knows would not cope though I'm not against discussing it some point in future

Would his solictor feel it's fair or advise him on taking to court about me not saying he can't have ds3 without. Help till he's learnt to sign to communicate with him

rather advoid court if can

there is no legal minimum for benefits anymore....if he's the one on benefits then its £5,if you're on benefits,its not counted anymore

sounds like your ex wouldnt even stick to any access pattern anyway,let alone attend courses.

Personaly I wish he get lost and leave us alone but except that is not in dd best intrests or to a point ds3 and would like to think he would get more involved with ds3 care re hospital appointments which he has a lot of s chool meetings etc could do with the help somedays as I go on public transport till pass test and Motorablity car arrives so journeys take2 hrs or more but feeling he refusedown to cost of petrol and time

But I'll make the offer regardless though know he won't never did when we was married

No they took it lower due to him expecting another dc I get £10 a month

Does it sound reasonable that I ask him to attend signing course before having ds3 ATM were working on trying to teach him to wipe himself after toilet but he struggles physically and if has an accident he would quite often sit in it without saying

I gave him loads of dates before hand when we used to be able to talk of courses telling him as a parent there heavily subdised especially the basic one but he always had reason why not even though was within 10 miles and he had car etc

am trying to keep my emotions out of it and do what's right for the dc but am aware that I do. Struggle to be impartial why asking fir other opions before going to solictor tomorrow as xh refuses to communicate other than solictor who's threatibg court action if I don't faciltate contact and said his client can't see no reason why needs anyone else there with dc

though do think he has not informed solictor of ds3 needs .Would if he insists on going to court would they look at me requesting that he learns to sign as a resonable request

if i were you i wouldnt bother with the solicitors,nothing done through them is legally binding anyway.

suggest mediation....the courts will expect this to have been tried anyway. otherwise if court action does happen,then ask for cafcass to asess it

im going to mention that to but he wont talk to me at all .Am trying to be resonable incase he decides to take it to court .So courts will least see that I have tried

You do sound reasonable. Just keep offering the contact as you are doing but with the conditions attached.

If your DS has medical conditions that require expertise from his carer then you are not being unreasonable to want his father to attend the courses before having DS on his own.

When your ex's solicitor has the information regarding your child's medical conditions then he will advise your ex with this in mind.

Ty am just trying to find way to make it work for all but most of all for the dc ideally without going to court .He has refused to even consider medation in fact got told to pi** of and never contact him again

did try local solictors but they don't do legal aid cases so now having to call law line find one that does

Don't think up to dealing without legal advice especially as xh will not communicate with me

if he is only going to see them for 4-6 hours then it isnt that long and he will probably manage your ds3 fine - i also dont think you should tag along watching.

but i would get your social worker from chidlren with disabiltiies team informed and involved with this.

he should be comnpetent enough to dail 999 in case of a seizure - does ds take meds with him in case? is there specific training needed for that?

that is more important than signing to be honest - i think you have to let him get on with it and see how it goes. non verbal children have ways of communicating distress basic wants and needs -

more useful to send along a personal passport book - one which tells about your DS and what he likes/dislikes and which signs he uses for specific things - this is good to make for anyone meeting him or being with him.

have a look at scope version
www.scope.org.uk/help-and-information/publications/scope-communication-passport

www.scope.org.uk/sites/default/files/pdfs/Communication/Scope_communication_passport.pdf

your ex going on a singing course really is not going to make that much of a difference - it is the day to day contact that will help and that isnt going to happen.

going on a signing course helps but realsitically i dont think you can amke that a prerequisite - my son is non verbal also his carers have picked up on the way and my ds signs tend to be invidivual.

unless your ds is a very fluent BSL signer then going on a makaton or other signing course is not crucial.

how many signs does your son realsitically use and understand?

if he is like my son then very few - which all be written downa dn explained in his eprsonal passport to go with him.

(my son now uses a communciaiton device but still uses one or two signs routinely so i tell carers about them)

what can your ds communciate in sign? how many signs does he have? really - a specific to him course would be more appropriate - but maybe the other dc can interpret as they know him better anyway,

if he wont mediate then you likely to end up in court anyway if he gets stroppy with you - but if all he wants is 4-6 hours per month then i would go along with that.

also i wouldnt give him money for food -he is their dad not a paid babysitter.

if he wants you to pay - have him ask that thru his solciitor. (his solicitor should then put him right)

how old is DS 1 - old enough to also know to dial 999 if ds3 has a seizure?

signing course not singing

Ok ds1 and ds2 are not his children there 16 and 13 ds1 was only going as xh said he could not cope but now boys have own lives collage etc so feel not fair to request them to go along

Hmm ds actually has quite a lot if signs even if some are sloppy can have conversation with him

Wasn't going to tag along was going to find a nice corner somewhere and read a book just in running distance if needed just while he built up confidence to look after him

I'm more than happy to go along with it but he won't discuss anything with me insist solictor only so won't even dicuss where and when with me so have no clue when it starts also how to inform him of all ds hospital appoinments as he has told me not to text him to contact solictor as will delte them unread

There not abusive or ranting sent him just times and where and does he wish to attend

Yes we carry midozlam on us and have procotal as to when to give and when should see help subject to ds day to day

ty intresting to hear from another parent with dc and Sn

Would mean dd age 7 would have to be responsible for which she loves him a lot bur is asking a lot from her

but am leaving it to solictor to deal with as not going to keep calling texting him for him to ignore me .So then least will know where and when gave said happy to go to medation to if he wishes or to meet up ne and him and discuss adult to adult

ds does have disablity social worker and they was looking at putting in some care refered to charity etc to help but they felt as ds is a communicator that no point it being someone he can't communicate with so now waiting to see about dp

The money fir food came about as ge had them all day and turned out hewas giving them bag if crisps and drink said can't afford to feed them

so I paid for days out including entreance etc but no more will I do that

You don't have to get a solicitor, you can just liaise with his solicitor, in writing.

Have you been to the CAB?

Called them as could not get to one today

But. Read letter out they advised me worth having solictor. But both solictor and CAB advised me to contact his saying I'm not arguing about contact

But would be helpful if he would talk to me about where and when contact to take place

I'm about 40 min drive away he drives has car , but am limitied to where I can meet him so he can see kids as would have to travel by public transport with dd and ds3 in his wheelchair but am willing to meet in netrual place but he would need carseats if ta king them out

even dd is a tiny 117 cm as we don't go by car anywhere ds does not have one yet though will be buying one by January as my car should arrive

dd can travel booster cushion with back but ds will need 5 point harness an seat am currently saving up to buy once can afford am willing to let him use it on contact as safer for ds and obviously will buy for dd one to

Though new car is wav so ds could travel in wheelchair or take powerchair but lol he will not be borrowing my new car

as supercherry said - you can just respond in writing to his solicitor.

if you get d p carers you could send one along with him to see his dad. that would be best option so you are kept out of it...

you can ask for funding to get a proper SN car seat as they quite expensive - either SS or OT or charity funding eg cerebra, BDF newlife , family fund etc.

i think this needs intervention from health pofessionals involved with your ds. needs are too complex for solicitors to understand i think!

also,a requiement of legal aid is that mediation is attempted

Have spoke to disablity team and they have said he must agree to undertake some training before ds3 could be left with him

Sad thing is I want him to see them would prefer if he wanted more contact but don't want him to mess them around either

Only reason I have got solictor involved my end is feeling he will want to fight it and least there involved from the start but fingers crossed that once he has seen that took legal advice will then be willing to talk to me to dicuss things

am hoping his Solictor will say look she's offering contact and more than you wanted and is happy to talk to you to discuss it and how to progress the contact till your able to mange on your own

I would love him to come to least some of ds appoinments so he has a real understanding of ds diffculties but not holding my breath as did not when married was considered very much my problem to seal with

Deal not seal