When will he ever learn? If you want a relationship with your child you have to contact them and not tell them that they "f*cking behave like this every time I see you"

[belledechocolatefluffybunny]

because it's not the basis for any sort of relationship.

Poor ds, his father decided to visit, he sent a text message yesterday asking to see ds, he's been over here since Wednesday and decided to see everyone else first before ds (again), ds already had plans to meet a friend and go for a game so we worked around his father, his father wanted to spend a little time with ds at a nature reserve which ment he missed his game, ds asked what time he could go back/how long it would take to get there and back (he asked a few times as his friend was waiting for him), his father turned to him and shouted "you f*cking behave like this every time I see you, just go to your game", poor ds was really upset. He did go to the nature reserve because I went with them, ds later said he wasn't surprised I left his dad if this is how he treats people I'm so angry, now ds doesn't want to go to visit him at all, I've been trying to help him establish a relationship with his father for years, he never calls ds, never emails, see's him once a year. Ds never calls or emails either, ds is 11. I give up. What would you do?

Give up, don't try and establish a relationship with someone like this....

You're all well shot of him.

He's not a family person. End of.
Well done for giving him the boot!

Hugs to your DS.

Thank you. I actually feel sorry for his wife and his 18 month old daughter, poor ds , he's been really nice to me since this though. He's normally lovely, he's better off without, I'm just sad (in a way)for him as he knows this now. W*nker!

I would give up too.

I'm usually one to say you should try and keep the relationship with the father going but it sounds like it's costing your son too much in terms of self esteem. He deserves better.

I'm really sorry for you and your son - it must be gutting for both of you.

I'm OK, I just wanted ds to have a relationship with his father and his family. His uncle doesn't even send him a card for his birthday, they are really terrible. Ds has only ever had me and my family so he's very close to me, I think this was very obvious when we were walking around the nature reserve as he was holding my hand and only talking to me. I can't really do any more, he wants ds to go and stay with him but ds doesn't want to go, I get the blame for 'stopping their relationship'. His father doesn't write, he rarely calls (last time was ds's birthday in April), visits once a year or so (ds is never his first stop, he'll always see friends and family first, he's always late and only see's him for a couple of hours). Ds is a real mummys boy.

that's so sad for your ds. Do you think you and your ds can talk it through and see what he would like to do? he may want you to make the final call (especially if he feels he wants to cut contact), but it sounds like a horrible situation to be in, knowing you're the bottom of the pile as far as your father is concerned, being shouted at, having to work round someone who should be special but treats you as anyone but. poor boy.

He's said he doesn't want to go and visit him. I've not asked about if his father comes here to see him. I can't understand his father, if I was in his position and I hadn't seen my child for 10 months then he'd be the very first person I'd visit. He took him to the cinema last time and fell asleep He's never turned up on time. Ds knows he's loved, I make sure of that. What a wanker.

He said he would see him here but not alone, he wants me to stay with him.

Belle, I think your son has made the decision he doesn't want to see him and you have to respect that, same thing happened to my DS and his "dad", my son won't have anything to do with him, however I asked my son to write a letter to his dad explaining why he didn't want to see him, and we've never heard from him since.

As long as he's got you and your family he won't miss out my DS is 19 this year and he said he's never gone without, and how can you miss something that wasn't there in the first place, e.g. the relationship between them.

My son is really well adjusted, loves his younger brother, and I hope one day will make an excellent dad himself, so I wouldn't worry some times it's just not meant to be.

your son sounds really lovely.

I'm not going to do any more. I'm the one who sends him emails to let him know how ds is doing, I send him pictures, we change plans when he comes over because he doesn't give us any notice. I sat and had a coffee with him, his daughter and his wife yesterday and listened as he told his 18 month old daughter that her hair looked like a mess He's pathetic.

I've told him before not to bother seeing ds because he doesn't contact him and he just fits him in for a couple of hours whenever he comes over. I've explained that I would never send ds to stay with someone that is practically a stranger to him yet he persists. I think we'll get some quick flights and be away for the weekend next time he comes over because I don't think that he will believe that ds doesn't want to see him, he'll blame me for brainwashing him, he's done this before several times.

Don't work around this selfish egocentric man any more. If he wants to see his son, then great, but he books a day & time that suits both of them and he sticks to it. All other times, your DS is booked and not available because he is doing other stuff.

Be prepared for him not to shpow up and have a plan B that can be implemented at a moment's notice.

If you think your ds is mature enough to cope with this, explain what you are doing and get his agreement.

I told him about half an hour before this that ds needs to feel respected or he's very unhappy. I've told him repeatidly that his son should be his first priority, that he's not a toy for him to pick up and put down as he pleases as it upsets him, he then confronted ds about it and put him on the spot so, naturally, de denied it all. He set up an email account for ds a couple of years ago after I told him all of this (again), I asked him to email ds every couple of weeks/once a month and gave him a list of things ds enjoyed so he'd have something to talk to him about, the emails lasted a few months, then he started to blame ds for not emailing him first, even though ds replies. Ds doesn't even want to call him.
He's no big loss, ds can see it. He's going to an all boys school in September, there's alot of male teachers and he has a male personal tutor, he goes to games workshop which is full of nice men (bonkers but nice) so I hope he'll see what a real man should be like.

My ex is SO similar to yours, and it's taken me years to come to terms with what a selfish twunt he really is. I felt for years that any contact was better than none - now I feel my 3 dc's would have been better off if I'd just allowed their father to bugger of and ignore them years ago.

I think it's a sign of real maturity and emotional strength that your 'ds later said he wasn't surprised I left his dad if this is how he treats people'. Your ds, young as he is, knows the difference between a loving, good relationship and a totally selfish fucked up one. Who has he learnt this from? - you.

You're clearly a great mother who can provide all that your lovely son needs

Earlier this year I eventually realised that I wouldn't let anyone else in the universe treat my kids the way their father did, and once that had sunk in, making the break from him was easy.

We are now about to start a course of family therapy to undo all the damage he's caused the poor kids over the last 8 years

You've made my eyes well up

I did send ds to a child therapist last year as he was being bullied at school aswell, he said I had nothing to worry about but he wasn't sure if ds was holding anything back because he knew I was paying of his sessions and ds didn't want to cost me money

I really do hope your therapy goes well.

His parents are not too bad, we used to see them fairly often but they have both had major health problems, they love ds to bits though. His father isn't very tolerant of children, he doesn't have alot of patience and will only see ds for an hour, I know where his twatdad gets it from Ds says he likes his grandfather though because he doesn't swear at him

I think I'll just be conveniently on holiday when he comes over or somewhere else with ds, if I or ds said ds didn't want to see him then he'd blame me for brainwashing ds (he's always doing this) then he'd take no notice. He likes to see his grandparents so I wouldn't want to stop this.

Belle - come over to me

Sleazyjet is your friend

I think I will, we don't have any passports yet though, shame I don't have a private jet!
We need something to do at half term, the MS has pretty much destroyed the summer holiday. From what I hear there's alot of very good looking and rich blokes over your way

Ha ha you don't need them for Northern ireland, just photo id

I only have an out of date passport and ds isn't old enough to drive yet

and the twatdad's in Eire. He moved there several years ago because he was bored

Bum.

But he wouldn't need to know you were here

thread hijack but did you ever get anywhere with uni?

I wouldn't be telling him

I did, they have adjusted the independant study placement so I have some time off at half term, made the days 9-4:15 and allowed me to do the resits in December. I went to see her on Friday to drop the forms off, she was nice as pie but couldn't wait to get me out of her office I have to communicate with them more apparantly

She's a bitch.

You would think being in the medical field they'd be more understanding.

God I hope I get on ok when I start. I am seriously getting nervous now

Law is fun, I loved every minute of my other degree (apart from the property stuff).

I don't think the NHS manage with staff sickness to be honest, I don't know why. There's one girl who couldn't hand work in as she was in hospital so she's had a bollocking, one girl had an operation and she's had crap off her aswell.

Are you off to the pub then?