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Original poster

An ex that changes dates

16 replies

Magicmayhem · 28/08/2010 11:06

How do you deal with an ex that often changes his weekends with the children if something better turns up for him...

we arranged between us that he has the children every other weekend and an evening in the week... these are all on our calendar.
But if something else turns up for him to do he drops then... Our kids are 14 and 12, and the 12 year old seems grateful that his dad will spend time with him... DD isn't that bothered...

I often have to change my plans on the weekends that he cancels, as I don't feel I have any choice.

Also can I make my ex have them in the holidays for a week?

Do I have to put up with this or do I have any legal rights

OP posts:
whitetulips · 28/08/2010 11:23

Just wanted to say I understand, but don't have any constructive advice.
I am in the same position. My dc are 12 and 15, and they make their own arrangements with exH but they are so short notice I never get any time to plan anything for myself.
On a positive note, your dc are old enough to be left alone for a short while, so if the chance for a meal out occurs for me, I go!
He has had 1 week off this holiday, but he had the dc for 3 days only, arranged on the first day.
It is a shame for the children, but we should get cheered up by the fact that we are the consistent carers, while their Dad is the unreliable one, and the dc will work that out.
Good luck!

legoStuckinmyhoover · 28/08/2010 11:35

magicmayhem, I can completely understand! Years ago I had the same problem-my ex would turn up hours late, or not all or when ever he 'wanted'. It got to the point where even on his days I was having to stay in and was unable to plan anything...even a hairdressers appointment!
In the end I saw it as Piagets dogs-I had to train him! Like if he was more than 30 mins late without telling me he would be late I would go out with the kids and assume he wasn't coming. I felt he had to understand that i, and the kids more importantly couldn't be kept waiting on our day off work and school! that worked for his punctuality. Everything else, I went to a solicitor and had an 'agreement' drawn up about regular contact and then he signed 'the agreement' and agreed to all it's content [which included note about giving a weeks notice for any changes and puctuality for both sides]. It has worked well for us and is good as a point of reference on both sides.
Good luck!

legoStuckinmyhoover · 28/08/2010 11:37

I think with a sols letter and formal agreement, it made him realise that he was being inconsiderate and it saved me trying to make him see things from the point of view of the kids and me as that was like banging my head against a brick wall!

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 28/08/2010 11:42

Thanks for answering me.... I know I'm not the only one with an arse as an ex.

I think what really pisses me off is that he and his new GF live the life of riley.... they've had 2 holidays this year, and entertained her family from abroad... and the kids get none of his time. They have no parental responsibilities, but just pick up and play parents when they feel like it...
while I get all the day to day grind...
Then they seem to moan at me about any little thing...
grrrrr

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 28/08/2010 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

legoStuckinmyhoover · 28/08/2010 11:52

Hmmm, know what you mean. My ex has had the kids for 2 days this summer [we went away for two weeks but otherwise been at home], he has not offered to have them any longer/take days off for them or anything this summer. He has just had a new baby though, so I expect he is busy Confused.

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 28/08/2010 11:53

Will get this sorted out more when we I see the solicitor about our divorce.

the problem is not so much about him being late... (although he did drop the children home 20 mins early once, the one time we go out, and was annoyed at me for not leaving a key out for them!) but canceling whole evenings... ie, the other week he went to a function and wanted them the next morning instead. I suppose I've started to seeth a bit as I don't have the ability to ever just cancel them!

OP posts:
legoStuckinmyhoover · 28/08/2010 11:57

I guess you cannot make him have them, but does he give you a good amount of notice? Maybe a sols letter will still help and make him realise that sometimes he has to cancel functions instead of his own kids [just like we do]?!

Original poster
Magicmayhem · 28/08/2010 12:10

Lego.. your sentence just like we do.... make me realise thats whats bugging me

His kids are loved, happy, well fed, well clothed, disaplined children... and I'm holding it all together while he f#*ks with there heads with his picking them up and dropping them... making them false promises about holidays, and festivals, and his continuous whinging about me and my new partner...

I've decided I'm to nice... Bring on the new me.... (flexes muscles emoticon)

OP posts:
staggerlee · 28/08/2010 13:55

Hi Magic, I'm in pretty much the same position with my ex.

We have a 4 year old son and my ex constantly sets the agenda for contact and I think enjoys sabotaging any plans I make.

After a relationship I had with someone else broke down recently partly due to the situation with my ex, I've now decided to get a formal agreement drafted with the help of a solicitor.

It will cost me quite a bit of money but since the decision to do this I've felt incredible relief. My ex will in all probability ignore any formal proposal and on that basis I will put him in a situation where he will be forced to seek a contact order via the Court to see his son. I don't want to do this but can see no alternative as hes unwilling to put his son first.

Good luck, I agree with the other posters that really firm boundaries have be be set with some people.

ivykaty44 · 28/08/2010 14:05

you can't make your dc's father see the dc for a week or two weeks in the holidyas - best to say that under no circumstances would he be able ot cope - this would or wouldn't bait him to do so.

As for weekends for me they are set in stone as I work par of the weekend - so if ex cancels his weekend then there is no way he is having the dc on my weekend with the dc as this is my time. SAo I would get babysitter for work- he would drop this out on a frieday text me to say he wasn't coming on the morning!

But if he canceled I went to work picked up dc and we had fun on his weekend then he would have to wait three weeks to see them because I woudl always have plans with the dc for my weekends and the dc didn't want those plans cancelled etc.

I explined thatI wasn't giving up my weekends and neither where the dc so he would have to wait if he missed one two three or however many weeknds

he for a long time never cancelled and then probably then over three years probably cancelled only two or three weekends a year.

he never asked to swap as he knew I would say no as I worked - which was probably a good thing in soemways (work are good and always said I could take dd if needed with me to work with colouring and games etc) as he knew it really meant I wouldn't stand any nonsense.

prettywhiteguitar · 28/08/2010 18:09

I had this with my ex he would ask to change access so he could go out, so I just said that if he couldnt have him that weekend he should come the next time he was due to have him and turned off my phone.

Very childish i know but I tell you what when you are an unmoveable force they have no choice.

He raged etc but eventually changed his plans and it took a couple of months of being really strict....ie no changes at all and turning up bang on time, otherwise I would not be there and turn my phone off, he realised I wasn't a push over any more and he stuck to it.

It forced him to be reliable and now he is a better dad for it.

God he was such a sh*t bag when I remember it all now, things have really improved.

BertieBotts · 28/08/2010 18:15

Having similar trouble with my ex, except he lies constantly about why he can't have DS. Latest was a text on the Friday to say he couldn't have him Saturday as he has a sickness bug, but magically knows he will be ok to have him on Sunday.

I have contacted a solicitor as I am fed up of having to cancel my plans all the time. Expect he will still pull the "illness" card all the time though.

I do worry though, I don't want to force him to see DS if he doesn't want to see him, it worries me what he is doing while he is there as well. It's lovely to have a break but I want DS to be safe and happy.

legoStuckinmyhoover · 28/08/2010 19:05

And there was me thinking that only my ex used to do stuff like all these guys. Sorry to hear you all going/been through it too.It really is so annoying to say the least.

I am so glad that I'm not the only person who had to be 'strict', he's made me feel so guilty about it over time and even though it was me who paid up and saw the solicitor to draw up the agreement for ALL of our sakes!

elastamum · 28/08/2010 23:10

Have been there myself. My ex just returns the kids early at weekends because he has other committments. Last time he tried this I told him he couldnt as I was out with a date - that shut him up! Unfortunately he knows i will always put myself out for the children and he wont

ivykaty44 · 29/08/2010 00:17

Oh gopodness no 48 ban on having dc if parent is sick as I don't wnat him of nursery/school etc next week - thanks but no you keep your bugs and miss your weekend and see you in three Wink

PWG is correct - it is the third child syndrome and you have to be firm with them and not let them be naughty

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