Missing him again

[Flamesparrow]

I've had a really good few weeks, and now I've had a sudden slump.

I miss him.

I am trying to remind myself of all his bad points (not least walking out on his family), but I see him all happy and its not fair. I lived through his crap depressive years and now miss out on the good him I always knew was there.

Not helped by the constant "he is clearly having an affair you moron" (or words coated that say the same thing). Some people "let me believe" what I want. Very few seem to trust that I may know him better than them.

Meh, I probably am deluded, but if he is still seeing her then he is covering his tracks bloody well since moving out!

[Menshevik]

Of course you miss him... he is the love of your life!

He has been depressed for a long time now I think, it will take him time to recover. I am so so sorry that people change Flame... have no way to make it better, I'm sorry.

Sending much love and strength. (And nearly put a bardy kiss there too, yikes)

[BudaisintheZONE]

Hi. I have been wondering how you were doing. Last I knew you were taking a break from here as people criticising him was hurting you. Not sure if there havebeen any developments.

Of course you miss him. You signed up for life. Better or worse etc etc.

Maybe he did too. No one really knows but him. However gven his depression etc I suspect he may have convinced himself that he will be happier without you. And he may well be. Not that hedidnt love you but beingwith you may remndhim of the depression.





Without

[BudaisintheZONE]

Message went funny!!

[Flamesparrow]

Yup know what you mean Buda.

Ultimately I still feel that I want us both to be happy. In my perfect world it would be us happy together but seeing him so much happier now does lift me, even if it hurts at the same time.

[Flamesparrow]

Oh as for where we are - over.

Our friendship has rapidly returned, we're chatting via text which we've not done in years.

I've been on a date. Not being spoken about in rl as I don't want the children overhearing just yet.

I even feel that I could begin to process the concept of him seeing someone else. Not ?OW though. Never her.

Well, I felt that, until today when I have gone all downhill again.

[Flamesparrow]

Damn it. First time in weeks I have cried over this.

[BudaisintheZONE]

Sorry Flame - went to bed early.

I almost split with DH years ago and had some counselling and the counsellor warned me that I would go through all the normal stages of grief even though it would have been my decision ultimately. And for you it hasn't been your decision. You have tried bloody hard to sort this out and to support him. So you will still be grieving. Don't expect too much of yourself just yet.

Hope today is a better day for you.

And way to go on the date! I hope it made you feel a bit better about yourself as I think what has happened must have hugely dented your confidence.

[Flamesparrow]

Well I had huge hysterical crying today. First time I have seen him and ?OW together since June.

He's washed his sheets. Again, first time since June (urgh), which instead of me thinking "he noticed they smell" it is "he is preparing for sex".

I am feeling much better for a sleep though. I have spent what was left of the day actually appreciating my children and spending time with them.

Plus I have been having texts from Carrot (date :o), and he is lovely. Def a big confidence boost and makes me smile.

[Flamesparrow]

Part of me thinks "It doesn't matter any more if he is with her", but the other part says it does as leaving me because he doesn't love me is very different to leaving me because he has decided he doesn't love me due to fancying someone else.

Although, even if he loves me, leaving because he fancies someone else means he doesn't respect me anyway doesn't it?



Although if the texts carry on as we are, the chat part of the evening will be done by the time we finally see each other again so I can just jump him

(all clean texts, but it is starting to feel like we have done that whole night up talking thing, and that it is perfectly normal to leap on him)

[Supercherry]

It just takes time. It's really hard falling out of love with someone.