Am I "paying" ex to see DS?

[LJS666]

Apologies in advance for long post!

I have been split up from X for 9 years and our DS is 11. He sees him regularly though not very often, about once every 4-5-6 weeks. If he makes an arrangement and a time then you can set your watch by him, so that is all good.

He is extremely crap with money and is always in dire financial straits of his own making. He has mad ideas like buying £20k caravans without talking to you or selling £4k cars to the neighbour for £500 when you go to the shops for an hour. This is the basic reason we split up, it sounds silly but he is absolutely compulsive with money and you never knew whether you could feed the kids because he had done something mental.

Immediately that we split up me and the kids (1 of mine as well as 1 of ours) were much better off and stable financially.

I cut a deal with him that he would give me less than the CSA said (£90 pw) to £50pw as long as he stuck to it religiously, and he has.

He has recently gone on another mental spree and got his partner of 7 years (who I like a lot) to sell her house and buy a mobile home on a holiday park. Again, they are in desperate circumstances. I feel really sorry for her that he is fucking her up financially too, but she loves him and is very happy with him.

He moved from 1.5 hours away from us to 2.5 hours away from us and asked me to drive half way.

I really, really don't want to do this as I am a tootle about town driver and I look after our DS almost all the time anyway, and I have my other DS and work and the house/garden/mates/parents. I just don't want to do the extra work.

Me and X generally get on well and chat about 2 - 3 times a month (about DS), although never at his instigation and he never calls DS off his own bat to chat to him. So I just overlook that and phone X and hand the phone to DS and all is well.

Anyway, with the move away that he made we had a row when he asked me to drive halfway, I said that I do all the work anyway and why should I do some of his work (transport) too. I said it was like me asking him to babysit/parent or look after DS's education - all of which I do happily.

I agreed to give him half the petrol money for the journey (£30 out of £70) if he did the driving and all the rows stopped.

Then I told my mate who said I am paying him to see our son. It rankled because I see her point. BUT I don't want DS to be 21 and look back and say "I haven't seen my Dad since I was 11".

He has walked away from 2 other kids from 2 previous women so I know he could do it again. I'm always amazed that we still know where he is after 9 years but must say that he does always give me new addresses, phone numbers - on the proviso that I don't pass it on to debt collectors!

I am better off than him financially, largely because I'm not a mentalist. We probably earn the same amount of money.

I don't know - he definitely has his limitations, he can really only handle being a w/e Dad but I think he's better than nothing.

What do you think?

I think if you can afford it, you should do it for your ds' sake. No it isn't reasonable but it enables your ds to have a relationship with his dad that unfortunately, due to his dad's financial incompetence, he wouldn't get to have otherwise.

The question is whether it's the thin end of the wedge, will it become 40 quid or he disappears, then 50 then 60. From his consistency with regards to the payments and the timing, however, it sounds like he has made his deal and this isn't an escalating problem.

I feel that he will stick to it but also had worries when I sent DS to his Dad's with cash in his pocket for "fun money".

X now lives on a holiday park and I wanted DS to be able to have a go on rides etc.

I can kind of see it from X's point of view that if he has him then he is feeding him, entertaining him etc which we all know costs cash.

I think I am OK with the petrol money but in future will not send him with "fun money", which was my idea but stuck in my craw. I found myself saying to DS "don't tell Daddy what you've got, only put £10 in your pocket at a time". Because I am so mistrustful of him with money, with good reason.

I think any Dad is better than no Dad as long as they are an OK bloke. X is OK, friendly, not abusive, just very, very irresponsible. Although, to be fair, does pay (reduced) child support every week, and does turn up when he says he will and is at the end of a phone.

Recently when X's partner had breast cancer he took time off work (unpaid) and asked if he could take a break from payments. I said yes, but you owe me and will have to pay me back when you can. He did pay every penny of the back payment back as soon as he could.

Dunno - all sticks in the craw a bit but think I want DS to have a relationship with his Dad.

As an aside, my father and XP were (and are) exactly like that. I so understand you telling DS to keep back money.

But didn't he move away, not you? So really it's his problem to pay transport costs.

Then again, if you can afford it it's keeping things amicable and good for your son.

Sorry, I'm no help at all.

Tippychooks - I really hate it that I had to say to DS about the money but I just know X too well.

Yes, he moved away, but he is just really impractical.

I just think if I didn't live with my kids I would move heaven and earth to see them as much as poss and wouldn't buy stupid stuff - and I feel upset on DS's behalf that he is not his Dad's first priority.

That said, DS has no idea about all this and he doesn't have hurt feelings, so I have to remember to keep my feelings out of this.

I often think that too - if it were me I would do XYZ, why doesn't my Ex? Then I remember that his crapness is the reason he's an Ex so it's unlikely we would agree on a sensible way to live and deal with children .

Not to same level as you but when ep previously saw kids I would give him money to feed them and entreance costs when took them out

Now he's not seen them for 6 months his choice he now wants access but insists solictor deals with .Am happy let have contact but this time I'm not paying a penny previously if I did not give money he would get them bag if crisps and drink all day

But no more if contacts sorted I will insist he feeds them

As for petrol costs well he took the family car as I had not passed test then sold it and brought another one so leaving me without any

So afraid I'm going with the if he wants see your ds he is going to need start taking respinsorablity

I had exactly the same thing with my ex, he moved away and said I had to drop our daughter off at his at it was a lot of driving for him (what about me?!) he then said he would meet us halfway at a petrol station.

Because it seemed it was important for my daughter I did it but it's the guilt trip situation they put you in.

He has now moved back to our home town so the situation doesn't arise but looking back I wish I hadn't done it, I was trying to help my daughter build a relationship with her dad but I think she would have been better off just staying with me if he wasn't prepared to drive over. She was only little and handing her over at a petrol station is not a fond memory.