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Original poster

Advice please re. arrest and child access

20 replies

thesnailandthewhale · 26/08/2010 22:40

I have also posted this in the legal area but wondered if anyone here may be able to help me please ...

I've changed my name on here just in case anyone from rl is hovering. I'm looking for some general advice please if anyone can help ...

Ex-dp and I don't get on, we are barely civil to each other and communicate only when we have to and only about ds.

2 months ago he was arrested for fraud. I was also then arrested as he has paid my child maintenance from this money. It looks as if he has implicated me as I had to send some of it back to him as he sent me too much and so it looks as though I've money laundered I'm currently on bail although solicitor is confident I will be cleared as clearly its nothing to do with me

Since this happened he hasn't paid any maintenance (have gone back through the csa on advice of solicitor when arrested). Csa are chasing him up on this.

Lots of friends / family keep telling me I should stop access to ds, I'm not sure that would be a good thing, but don't know where I stand with it all. A family friend who is a religious minister seems to think I can get a restraining order and can't believe I haven't already done so. Is this right? Should I be doing so?

Any advice would be very welcome!

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/08/2010 22:44

If he's not voilent or a danger to your child then why stop access?? It doesn't make him any less of a father. If you don't trust him though you can ask for access via a contact centre so he's supervised. You only need a restraining order if he's violent or threatening you. His child still needs to see him.

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 26/08/2010 22:48

That is what I keep saying, but everyone seems to think I should be stopping it as he is a bad role-model for ds.

Ds does like going to see him and I see no reason to stop access, I just wanted some other views on it really as most people seem to think I'm crazy for letting it carry on, but in my view its a separate issue. I don't trust him in any way, shape or form, lots of reasons why over the years and clearly now I have even more reason not to trust him Hmm but I don't see why I would need to stop ds from seeing him.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 26/08/2010 22:51

He hasn't threatened me so far but police have mentioned they will want me to give evidence against him in court, so not sure how things will work then as I won't be able to have any contact with him at all?

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/08/2010 22:51

It doesn't matter what sort of role model he is, he's still a father, just don't lend him any money. Your child also has every right to see him, I'm sure there are worse parents out there.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/08/2010 22:53

You'll need to drop your child off somewhere and he will collect him, at grannies for example. You can use an access centre for this if there's no where else.

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 26/08/2010 22:59

Thankyou for your replies, its nice to know I'm not going loopy! As much as he has been an absolute *ker to me over the years he is still ds's father and I have tried to make sure that relationship continues. I have never stopped him seeing him and don't intend to now either, I just wish other people could understand that! Thankyou for taking the time to reply x

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 26/08/2010 23:01

You're welcome. My son's father is a tad on the shit side, no fraud though. It's down to ds when he's older whether he see's him or not, it's his right to see him and it's down to him to say that he doesn't want to when he's older, not me.

I hope all goes better for you, it sounds really stressful.

Niceguy2 · 26/08/2010 23:19

Agree with belle.

Other people generally have no concept of a LP's life and most even less about the realities of the law.

You are doing the right thing under bad circumstances. Well done for not simply stopping access on a whim.

corlan · 27/08/2010 11:07

I agree with the other posters. My XP was actually sent to prison for fraud but it never occurred to me to stop our daughter from seeing him. He's still her father and children need their Dads,unless they are abusive.

I'm sorry you got implicated in all this, it must be a huge worry.

You are doing the right thing - good luck.

Janos · 27/08/2010 11:13

Another message of support here - you are absolutely doing the right thing, putting your DS first.

It's very hard, particularly when you have people offering their opinions left, right and centre about what you should/shouldn't be doing.

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 27/08/2010 11:48

Thankyou both, Corlan, can I ask what happened when he went to prison as there seems a good chance this will happen to ex? I'm of the opinion then that I won't let ds go there to visit, can I ask how you handled it and if your dd still saw him then?

OP posts:
corlan · 27/08/2010 12:15

For the first few weeks, he was in a normal prison and my daughter didn't visit him there.Then he was moved to an open prison and his parents took my daughter to see him every other week.

I had split up with him about a year before all this happened but I went to see him once and I can honestly say the visiting room in the open prison was nicer than the staff room at work - my daughter was around 3 and I had no problem with her being there.

The saddest part is, I don't think prison taught him anything - he is still bent as a nine bob note! Also, he can't get a job because who will employ someone convicted of fraud? I feel like I've been punished as well because he cannot contribute to support his daughter.

I hope it doesn't come to prison for your ex but if it does there's some useful info here

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 27/08/2010 12:24

Thankyou Corlan, I have no idea if it will come to that, although I have a feeling it may well do Sad

I am concerned at the effect it would have on ds of (a) letting him visit him in prison or (b) him not seeing him for however long it may be, so would need to think long and hard about whether he would visit him there.

OP posts:
corlan · 27/08/2010 12:30

Can I ask how old your ds is?

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 27/08/2010 12:30

He's 7 Corlan

OP posts:
corlan · 27/08/2010 12:43

I can see that's a bit more difficult - I don't think my daughter really understood that her dad was in prison!

If it comes to the worst, you can just play it by ear and, if your son really misses his dad, you can ask for a visiting order.

By the way, the atmosphere at visiting time in the open prison was very relaxed - it's not like you see on TV where you have to sit still at a table and not touch. It's a big room with lots of comfy chairs and a little 'tuck shop' where you can buy tea and coffee and sweets for the kids.
You can move around as much as you like and your son can touch his dad.There were lots of other children running around the day I visited.

Original poster
thesnailandthewhale · 27/08/2010 12:51

Thankyou, theres a long way to go yet but I need to be prepared for it to happen Sad You have helped me already as I was fairly sure I wouldn't let him visit him there but now I would consider it and would need to see where he is / whats best for ds before deciding. Thankyou again, it means a lot to me x

OP posts:
corlan · 27/08/2010 13:50

Hope it all works out well for you x

LJS666 · 27/08/2010 21:50

If he is OK (ie not violent or a total loony) try to keep access going at all costs.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/08/2010 11:22

ANother vote for continuing access - while he may be a crook he does not sound like he's a danger to your DS, and stopping contact would be upsetting for DS who loves his dad by the sound of it. Point that out to any stickybeaks trying to tell you what to do.

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