Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

feeling really down about never having another baby...

18 replies

petitfromage · 25/08/2010 20:26

Sorry if this comes across as bit of a rant but I'm feeling really crap today. My husband left me when I was 10 weeks pg with our planned baby (after 4 years of marriage), he came back for few months after I begged while pg but left again when ds was few months old. I'm proud to say I've never had him back, I carried on and have tried to build my life as lp and am now doing mainly really well - DS is now 2 1/2 and the light of my life.

But all my friends who had babies around same time as me all have baby number 2 now and despite my best efforts not to let it bother me I'm starting to realise it does. One close friend gave birth yesterday and I'm so happy for her as they had ivf both times and yet I feel really teary for me - I feel so selfish! The tip of the iceburg was waiting for lift in shopping centre this afternoon and realised girl next to me with approx 8 mth old baby was in ante natal class first time round. I just walked away before she noticed as I couldn't cope with another discussion about babies and why I don't have a second (people who don't know he left assume it's my choice which couldn't be further from the truth).

I'm 37 next month, and cards on table I always wanted a big family which I now know will never happen. Even if everything went brilliantly I'd not have a baby for 2 years at least - and at the moment even though I've just started dating really lovely guy I'm really scared that I daren't commit to someone again as I'm terrified the same thing will happen.

Don't know why I feel so down. Possibly because I've just seen friend's gorgeous photos of her with hubbie and baby and they are soooo happy - just as they deserve to be. But I never had the happy baby photo as my ex was already planning to leave again when I gave birth (he messaged ex girlfriends on facebook about how fit they were while I was in labour) so there is a part of me that really feels sad when I see a husband looking so happy that his wife gave him a baby.

Sorry if I sound really selfish - I know I'm so lucky to have my boy as many people would give everything for one baby and I wouldn't change him for the world, I'm just being really honest about how I feel. But it is hard dating with a toddler as I'm sure it puts men off - why would they go out with someone with a toddler when there are plenty of women my age who don't have any baggage?

Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?

OP posts:

laloony · 25/08/2010 20:35

I know what you mean, i felt the same.

Its almost like a feeling of bereavement, loss and desperation. I know.

But you have had SO much loss to deal with. You are grieving for the loss of a future that you had planned in you heart and your head.
You marriage break up, your husband going and your plans gone.

You dont sound selfish, not at all, you sound like you are grieving and in a sad place right now, despite what you have its what you could have had too.

Big hugs to you sweet, i hope that you find happiness x

hairytriangle · 25/08/2010 22:05

Sorry you feel so down . Sounds like some counselling might help with getting over his having left you. At 37 you have time!

AnxiousLand · 08/09/2010 18:33

I FEEL THE SAME
SPERM DONOR?

expatinscotland · 08/09/2010 18:35

I'd have one on my own or co-parent with a gay man or gay couple who are interested in such an arrangement.

I was planning to do that before I met DH myself.

Rapscallion · 08/09/2010 18:54

Aww. I feel for you Petite, I really do.

Maybe things will work out with the new guy? How do you feel about him? x

Crumpton · 08/09/2010 19:09

I too would have one on my own.

twinkle1010 · 08/09/2010 19:30

I feel exactly the same. I have a DD who is three and I thought we were planning to try for another baby soon. However, my husband was actually planning on leaving.

It is like a bereavement, you plan your life and then nothing works out like you have planned.

Huge hugs xx

poshsinglemum · 08/09/2010 23:24

There are plenty of men on Match who don't mind that you have kids. Ive just signed up and I'm meeting lots of them. A lot have one kid but still want more children and are looking for another woman. Don't give up.

I did go through this feeling though. It's really sad and entiirely natural but don't give up hope.

salizchap · 16/09/2010 15:35

I really understand your feelings. I am 33, my DS is now 7, and I sometimes wonder if I will EVER have another baby. At times the desire for one is overwhelming, and I get worried that time is ticking away. Plus, now, even if I was to get PG now, the age gap would be huge. How would my DS cope?

You do still have some time. A friend of mine had a baby at the age of 42. Concentrate on being the best mum you can, and get out to have some fun. Enjoy the fact that it´s probably easier to get a baby sitter for one child than 2!!!

I hope you find the right man for you. xxx

Tippychoocks · 16/09/2010 15:41

Same for me. I m/c this year and then chucked Ex out so am sad that DD will never have a full sister or brother. But I am lucky as I am 31 so I have some options at least. Stay hopeful

justonemorethen · 16/09/2010 18:04

So with you on this one. I'm 39 so it's really all over. I think I would always be a bit sad when I hit 40 (and watched the fertility rate hit rock bottom) no matter how many sprogs I had.
To make it worse I had an ectopic last month.I was really excited and then nearly died. I took that as a sign that I shouldn't contemplate more.

girliefriend · 16/09/2010 18:12

Know how you feel also, have one gorgeous dd and struggle with the fact that its unlikely I'll have any more and also that dd is going to be an only child, she already complains that she has no one to play with
I know its not in anyway the same thing but we recently got ourselves a kitten and it has made us feel more like a proper family!!!

oliviasmama · 16/09/2010 19:31

Me too . I had DD a week before I was 41, I'm 44 in October, DD 3 in a couple of weeks.

There is just me, DD and our Dog Alf. XP and I split up a year ago, I long for another child but have to feel that my time is up.

Still, at 41 I was lucky to concieve her, she was meant to be. Be happy for what you have.

oliviasmama · 16/09/2010 19:32

To concieve her at 40 even...

PintandChips · 16/09/2010 21:53

Hey me too. I'd love another one. Chances very slim now, at 40 and single.

It may happen, for all of us, you can never know. However unlikely, it's still possible. More so for you, you have a bit more time.

But you know what? There are a lot of women out there who desperately wanted to have children, and didn't manage to have even one. I know this does not make it easier particularly, that you only have the one, but you have at least one child, and you can take great joy from that.

PintandChips · 16/09/2010 21:54

and BTW you don't sound selfish at all, your reactions sound perfectly natural. I feel for you.

Over40 · 16/09/2010 22:10

I felt exactly the same! My exh left when I was 33 and our DD 2. Since then (I'm 41 now) there has been no-one else and it has taken me a while to get my head around only having one. To be honest I have tried using some cognitive (sp?) behaviour techniques that helped me get over when ex left in the first place.
It is about training your mind to not let yourself get into a rut in the way you think. So if you find you mind wandering to "I feel sad I won't have another", you make yourself switch to positive aspects of only having one. And no matter how much you would like another there ARE advantages to only having one! It's tough, but I have found it has helped me. The other thing that has "helped" me get my head round it is that I have 3 friends who have been completly unable to have kids at all. All tried IVF and all failed. It just made me bloody grateful for what I had.

Remember you are grieving for the future you wanted and lost. It takes time to come to terms with it. Best of luck...

Anenome · 16/09/2010 23:55

You have time! There are at least 4 years for you to meet someone...anyway...children with no siblings DO benefit in ways which may not be visible to you at first. there is evidence that children with no siblings are more popular with peers for various reasons.

You have him and he has you...he will make friends....my DD has three special friends and all of them are single children...its more common these days.

If you really want another child you could think about the sperm donor thing.

Flip