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Should I let him stay?

11 replies

mpuddleduck · 24/08/2010 21:57

Should I let my H (seperated for 16 months) stay in my house to visit the children?

Iam worried it might give the youngest (age 3 and 7) the wrong message about our relationship.
H doesn't see them very often, and has only visited twice before (when I did let him stay). When we visit him we stay nearby at our expense or stay with a relative.

OP posts:
single1ds · 24/08/2010 22:49

i personally wouldnt as i think you need boundries and dont think that would be something you will maintain over the years. you also need your privacy.
start as you mean to go on??
could he stay at travel lodge or the like/b&b or with relative?

pinemartina · 26/08/2010 08:53

Agree with single1ds

I used to have xh1 to stay for the weekend when I moved 200 miles away with dd's,who were 2 and 3 at the time.

It became almost impossible to get him to have them to stay with him as he expected to come when convenient for him,became mates with - now also ex- h2,and treated the house like a B& fact,the pair of them going out for a drink,leaving me to clean up after dd2's birthday party,was the catalyst for my 2nd divorce!(Oh yes,I have made some great choices in my time...)

A few years on,xh1 has dd's every 3rd weekend,he moved 100 miles nearer and comes to collect them.
I do have to work at maintaining the boundaries with xh2 - if he comes in to share information about dc 3and4 one weekend,he'll be straight in and sat at the table the next,without knocking,and is surprised if I get cross....he feels hard done by that he doesn't get what xh1 had....

It all caused massive arguments with xp,too,as he didn't think it was normal for me even to be on speaking terms with my exes.

But that was his problem.And another story....

The dc have always been fine with whatever I am happy with - at any age....!

Tippychoocks · 26/08/2010 08:57

I have done this and it's not great - easy to have the same arguments. Mine slept on the sofa visiting DD for the whole of the last time we split. He also expected to be fed, once left a porn dvd behind (yuck face) and generally took the piss.
Now, second and final split, he sees DD in my house but does not stay.

cestlavielife · 26/08/2010 09:44

no dont let him stay in your house

mpuddleduck · 27/08/2010 00:13

Oh S**t, you have all said what I was thinking, but he arrives tommorrow and I haven't arranged for anywhere else for him to stay.
I have thought maybe I could stay somewhere else and let him have full access to the children, but dd2, the youngest came into my bed at 3am this morning and I am worrying about what she would do if I'm not there. (I've already packed away a box of post which might include stuff I don't want him nosing through).

We were married for 17 years and have 4 children, why do I keep focusing on the bad times and imagining he might just be coming back to kill us.(blush).Stupid I know.

OP posts:
colditz · 27/08/2010 00:19


pinemartina · 27/08/2010 11:23

What do you mean about him coming back to kill you? Are you afraid? Is this there a risk of violence?

mpuddleduck · 27/08/2010 23:58

Well he is here and in the spare room. I'm pretty sure its not the best idea, but I think my fears are irrational, he did have a problem with getting abusive/violent when we were together, but only after drinking.The last time he did threaten to kill me, but I guess thats bound to stick in my memory,so I feel I might be being stupid and have'nt confessed to anyone in RL, most people think he is lovely.
I have arranged to be out a lot of the time and did consider sleeping at a friends, but I think I will leave that as an option if I need it, after all my children will still be here.
Sorry, I've gone on a bit, thank you all for your replies, I feel a bit embarrassed that I am too weak to act on them.

OP posts:
pinemartina · 28/08/2010 10:07

puddleduck Don't be embarrassed,you are not weak - you are posting on her and giving this a lot of thought.

You are absolutely NOT being irrational.

Do you think your gut instinct - inner voice- is trying to tell you something?

The last time he did threaten to kill me

That is serious,and unsafe.

That's why it has stuck in your memory.

If a drunk man threatened to kill you in the supermarket/at work/the car park I am sure you would not have him to stay in your house ,look after your dc,or leave your dc at home with him...?

I hope you have made it clear that he MUST NOT drink in your house?

Please,do not sleep at a friends,leaving your dc alone with him.

Please get some RL support - Womens Aid can advise you.Do you have a solicitor to help arrange formal contact?

I really think this situation is a risk to you and your dc and that you need to take some some action.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

Don't let him stay again.

mpuddleduck · 29/08/2010 09:06

pinemartina, I would take the children with me if I decided to stay at my friends.
WA were great when I contacted them last year, but I don't feel he was abusive enough to keep pestering them. As a friend said the other day, he only hit me, didn't beat me up.
G*d I'm rambling again, and using MN to make up for not being able to talk to anyone in RL.Sorry Sad
I don't have any alcohol in the house so hopefully that won't be a problem.

OP posts:
pinemartina · 29/08/2010 16:30

There is no such thing as "not abusive enough"

You have been physically assaulted by this man in the past.WA will advise you regarding the situation you are currently in,and the concerns you have expressed here.

It is very important to use MN to talk - and ramble! - about situations like this one,especially when you have no one in RL.

It's good you have no alcohol in the house,and that you would not leave the children with him,but your own needs in your home - and your fears - are very important here,too.

Please think carefully about this ,and take care.

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